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Podcasts

COL649: LoR: Red Flags, Green Flags

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

  • Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
  • They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

  • Controlling behaviors 
  • Violence 
  • Emotional and verbal abuse 
  • Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
  • Walking on eggshells 
  • Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
  • Using things against you that were told in confidence
  • Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

  • All or nothing communication 
  • Pushes boundaries 
  • Codependency or enmeshment 
  • Difficulty with finding things in common 
  • Lack of similarities with goals and values 
  • These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

  • Healthy communication 
  • Respecting boundaries 
  • Interdependence 
  • Supportive of goals and values 
  • Knowing love languages
  • Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

  • Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
  • Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
  • Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
  • Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
  • Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
  • Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
  • Dismiss opinions 
  • Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

  • Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
  • They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
  • They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
  • They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
  • They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
  • They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

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COL555: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 4

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy

Jealousy Quotes 

“Beware….of jealousy!  It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou 

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead 

Cognitive Triangle 

Emotions

  • Emotions are needed for survival 

Universally accepted expressions of feelings 

Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?

Complex Emotions 

examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy

  • Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components:  Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
  • Complex emotions  vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.

Jealousy

  • What is it?  Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear.  Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
  • DISCLAIMER:  This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships.  We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.  
  • Is it normal?  Absolutely.  Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy.  It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds.  While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.  
  • People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
  • Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.  
  • Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.  
  • Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers.  (Second Life study)

 

What Do We Do?

 

  • Work on yourself first….

 

      • What is your relationship with jealousy?  Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life?  How intense?  
      • What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?  
      • What evidence do we have?  What am I thinking about?  
      • Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious?  At whom or what?  
      • How am I experiencing this physically?  If I feel tense, can I relax? 
      • Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
      • Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
      • Communicate with your partner your feelings.  Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing.  Discuss boundaries.

 

  • If your partner is the one who is jealous….

 

    • Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
    • Don’t respond 
    • Reflect back what you are hearing
    • Practice empathy
    • Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.  

Addressing your Jealousy 

  • Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end 
    • Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment 
    • Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR) 
    • Positive affirmations
    • Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Compersion

  • Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.  
  • Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality.  Increase empathy.  Look through their eyes.
  • Constriction to expansion.
  • Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.  

Review:

  • Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
  • Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.  
  • Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
  • Communicate 
  • If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful. 

Resources 

Books:  

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COL551: Sex Needs vs COVID-19

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke of EAC Therapy and COL’s resident sex therapist. For this episode, the cubs acknowledge their thirst due to many states’ social distancing regulations during the COVID-19 pandemic. Because of this, we bring in the good doc to discuss the sexual needs during this crisis. We all have needs and need to find ways to address them safely.

Show Topic

COVID-19 isn’t going away. And now more than ever we’re facing challenges with having our sexual needs met. What’s a person to do?

This is an extended traumatic experience….which means that people are going to have traumatic reactions to this.  Here are some common traumatic reactions and ways to address them sexually:

IMPORTANT: Our reactions to this may be different therefore we may have different sexual libidos during this time (that is normal).

Overview:

The 5 Love Languages

    • Phone Sex 
    • Video sex
  • Looking into the future 
    • Research is seeing a decrease in STI rates
      • Decrease access to testing sites
    • Re-entry 
      • Sexual risk taking 

Additional Resources: 

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COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

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COL541: What’s Going On – January 2020

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s our What’s Going On for the month of January. From car troubles to new jobs, the guys share their going-ons for the first month of the new year. In addition, a discussion of credit history, the Dolly Parton challenge, and some Star Trek/Star Wars love.

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Renting a Car isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.
  • Damon: Back to the Grind
  • Gary: New Adventure and Ironic Sickness

Feedback 

Facebook Share:

  • Edward Angelini-Cooke  Re: COL540: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 2. – Here is the most recent episode of Cubs Out Loud I had the pleasure of guest hosting

Facebook Likes:

  • Tubbs Butler
  • Will Wilson

Facebook Comment/Post:

  • Re: COL535: The Santa Fantasy – Jay Yospa:  A couple of observations: not growing up Christian I could be wrong, but I think in the song I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus, Santa in this instance isn’t the real Santa but how kids see Santa-which is their Dad in costume. So Mom isn’t poly, she’s kissing her husband in his Santa suit. After all, Dad (and Mom) are ones really putting the presents under the tree. (I hope I’m not shocking anyone with this revelation). Also for movie Santas, it’s tough to beat ex-pro wrestler Goldberg as Santa in Santa’s Slay. A fun, but silly horror movie worth, if nothing else, watching the first scene from.

Instagram Followers: 

  • growlinggrooming

YouTube Subscribers:

  • duwan felipe esparza mendes

YouTube Comment:

  • Re: COL418: Handsome vs Sexy – Berty Bertface: Damon hit the nail on the head, handome could mean “physically you are wow and i want to know more”, sexy could mean “you’re hot, lets fxxk”. At least for me.
  • Re: COL450: Gay Genetics – Berty Bertface: Interesting show. Being a gay man has not been as easy as most of my hetero friends. Society made it seem wrong so there was shame, guilt attached to my younger self. Where i see science stepping in would be parents choosing to alter genetic code to avoid homosexual children. For me the question is, because there is not anything wrong with us so why changes us?
  • Re: COL537: What’s Going on December 2019 – Berty Bertface: Happy New Year guys! Thanks for all of your hard work. Cheers
  • Re: COL503: Gayming Characters – Berty Bertface: 1:19:53, Gary spoke about ai. If ai is to be as close to us (humans) as possible, could ai develop sexuality, gender roles etc? Then evolve to develop the need to bond with other ai, and eventually form hetero, gay, bi etc. ai? Sexual orientation is a fundamental component of our identity, so ai may need this too? As far as gayming is concerned for me, am gay and not bothered if my avatar is a trans-biscuit so long as i can achieve my goal completing the objective.
  • Re: COL538: 2019 Year in Review – Berty Bertface: Another great podcast/video guys. Especially Gary’s piece towards the end of the show. Comparison is the thief of joy, no one I’ve known has ever had it all worked out. I believe there is no harm in the admiration of another but be cautious when comparing yourself to them. I hope you guys fullfill your plans for 2020, chin-chin.
  • Re: COL472: Giving/Taking . . . Compliments – Berty Bertface: All three of you are pretty fxxking awesome. Take that as you will.
  • Re: COL471:Where is the body? – Berty Bertface: Not sure anyone is completely fine with their bodies, but it is what it is. It makes me sad to hear about anyone feeling shame towards themselves. My first crush/awakening happened during school, during gym class. I am medium build, he was the big kid in the class/school. Absolutely gorgeous person inside and out. We were friends but i always wanted desperately to tell what he truely meant to me. I am certain many larger men are not aware of their secret admirers, but i wish for this to change so we can all enjoy ourselves and each other.

Twitter Followers: 

  • @Alberto00688251
  • @riptidedrunk
  • @PepePepito87
  • @septemberrngade
  • @DominusPrime

Recent Shows

  • COL537: What’s Going On – December 2019
  • COL538: 2019 Year in Review 
  • COL539: What is. . . Partying?
  • COL540: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 2

Tweet Tweet:

https://twitter.com/squarebuddy/status/1212577882716946434?s=20

https://twitter.com/AM_loveyourself/status/1214193362187755522?s=20

Links:

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