assumption | Cubs Out Loud – The Bear Podcast of Indeterminate Length

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital in all relationships….not just open relationships. Duh.

Cognitive Triangle

Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps

Assumptions/Expectations
- “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda
- Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.
- Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors
- Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
- NEWS FLASH: We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.
Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
Extreme Language
Lacking Empathy
Arguing Perspective
Keeping Score

Communication Styles

Passive/Submissive

“I’m sorry…”
People pleaser

Aggressive

Phi Phi O’Hara
“Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

“I’m fine!”

Manipulative

Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara

Assertive Communication

This is the goal
Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent

Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs/Values/Desires
- Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement

Reading and Shade
This shit is hard, yo! (….which is an evaluation)
Specificity is key. Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings

People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!! (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings

Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
- Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it”
Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs
Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)
- “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met.
Emotional liberation
- Emotional slavery
- The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings”
- Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

All about the framing
DO use the word do (and be specific)
Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.
Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
Requests….not demands.
Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect
Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy

Empathy is not sympathy
Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts
Hearing vs Listening
Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
The library is officially closed. No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself

Review:

BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC. B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
Check assumptions of others
- Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
- Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
State observations without judgments
Identify feelings not thoughts
Identify your needs
Make requests not demands