Tag Archives: BRAVING

Podcasts

COL669: LoR: Relationship Anarchy

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Damon is away this week celebrating his birthday, but have no fear dear listeners – because Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke has returned! From scripts to relationship values, the guys discuss determining what each of us wants and needs.

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Landscape of Relationships: Relationship Anarchy

Landscape of Relationships is back with Dr. Angelini-Cooke to discuss the topic of Relationship Anarchy. Who doesn’t love disorder in their connections with others? Perhaps that isn’t what it means. Let’s learn together!

Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy post 

The term Relationship anarchist (also commonly called RA) was coined by Ardie Nordgren. Nordgren created the Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy in 2006. The Manifesto is a quick and easy read consisting of 9 principles of RA: 

  1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
  2. Love and respect instead of entitlement 
  3. Find your core set of relationship values
  4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
  5. Build for the lovely unexpected
  6. Fake it til’ you make it
  7. Trust is better
  8. Change through communication
  9. Customize your commitments

“Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach ‘encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, co-host of the Multiamory podcast

Relationship Anarchists is different and distinctive from polyamory and consensual non-monogamy because while a majority of RA practitioners may be poly and/or CNM, you can be monogamous and still practice RA.  

Choose your own adventure relationships. “Designer Relationships” by Mark A. Michaels

This is in line with our last LOR topic of amatonormativity. Many ace and aro individuals are using RA as a way to navigate their relationships and future relationships, because RA can apply to any and all types of relationships, not just romantic or sexual. There is no hierarchy.

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COL649: LoR: Red Flags, Green Flags

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

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Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

  • Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
  • They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

  • Controlling behaviors 
  • Violence 
  • Emotional and verbal abuse 
  • Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
  • Walking on eggshells 
  • Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
  • Using things against you that were told in confidence
  • Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

  • All or nothing communication 
  • Pushes boundaries 
  • Codependency or enmeshment 
  • Difficulty with finding things in common 
  • Lack of similarities with goals and values 
  • These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

  • Healthy communication 
  • Respecting boundaries 
  • Interdependence 
  • Supportive of goals and values 
  • Knowing love languages
  • Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

  • Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
  • Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
  • Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
  • Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
  • Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
  • Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
  • Dismiss opinions 
  • Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

  • Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
  • They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
  • They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
  • They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
  • They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
  • They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

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COL628: LoR: In-Laws

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

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Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult.  That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws.  Is that the case with same-sex relationships? 

Meeting the In-Laws

  1. Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
  2. Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
  3. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
    1. Know your values
    2. Stay true to you.
  4. Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.  
    1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian.  Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

  1. Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
  2. Relationships usually improved with time
  3. While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
  4. Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
  5. Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.  

  • You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
  • What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
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COL624: LoR: Unfriending

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the topic of unfriending. Whether it be friends, family or “framily”, there are situations which may require a need to remove people from your lives. Listen in as the cubs share some advice on when, how and who should be unfriended.

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Landscape of Relationships: Unfriending

  • Top 8
  • Close Friends
  • Feed
  • Limited Feed
  • Unfollow 
  • Block

Parents – MyCounselor article – Healthy Relationships with Adult Children 

  • This comes from a Christian counseling website  
  • Look at this like a checklist to see if you have them 
  • Setting expectations of how you are to be treated is HUGE.  
  • Check out the boundaries podcast 
  • Think of boundaries like the rules of D&D

Friends – Psychology Today: 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends 

This is a great article on using yourself as a reference point to assess your friendships with others. (If we want honesty from others we have to make sure we are honest.)

  • Advice my Mom gave me growing up that I didn’t always take, “stick with the winners.”  I have adapted it to, “Stay close to the ones who know where they are headed.” I don’t like the winners/losers dichotomy, but it has the same idea. 
  • Like D&D, be mindful about who you party with. 

Friends and Family – Personal Excellence article – Unsupportive People 

  • Don’t go to the hardware store for bread. 
  • Find out where the hardware store is.
  • If I’m out of life, unless I have someone on my party who has regeneration….I need to get it from someone else.
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COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

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Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

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