In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex. This time around, the cubs show their age and reveal what has or hasn’t changed regarding sex. From growing pains to changing stigmas, the guys share their feelings about what is different for them from sex in their 20s to sex as they approach 50 and beyond.
Show Topic
LTAS: Now That We’re Older
As we’ve aged out of our 20s and 30s, how have things changed for us when it comes to sex? Are we falling in lock step with stereotypes? Or is this a natural occurrence? What does getting older mean in general when it comes to sexual activities?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Let’s Talk About Sex! The guys are joined by resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss “sides”. You know of tops, bottoms, and versatiles; but do you know about sides? Listen in as the cubs define this role in the MSM community and what it means in the sexual spectrum.
Show Topic
Sides
Definition?
Joe Kort developed the term in 2013 after not engaging in anal intercourse and feeling frustrated answering the “top or bottom” question. “Can I be a side?”
A side is typically a man who has sex with another man (MSM) who does not engage in anal intercourse or penetration as it is not part of their erotic orientation. Erotic orientation reflects your sexual fantasies, desires, and sexual behaviors.
Self-labels (labels used to describe anal sex behaviors….or does it):
Top
Bottom
Versatile
What if you don’t fit into any of those groups? shame…guilt….FOMO…et al.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Gary and Jeff EAT IT! While Damon is singing his butt off, the guys talk about the foods and drinks they see, share, make and love during the holidays. From family gatherings to festive holiday parties, the cubs dish on their favorite dishes.
Show Topic
The things we look most forward to when it comes to food and the holidays.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, we are joined again by Daddy Hadrian to talk about current events in social media. Earlier last week, Tumblr decided to ban NSFW content as of December 17th and Facebook has changed its terms regarding “sexual expression”. The guys discuss how this impacts both themselves and the community at large.
Verizon owned Tumblr has announced they’re banning NSFW content starting Dec 17th. [Oath Inc. is a subsidiary of Verizon Communications that serves as the umbrella company of its digital content subdivisions, including AOL and Yahoo!. Verizon acquired AOL on June 23, 2015 and Yahoo!’s operating business on June 13, 2017. Within Oath, AOL and Yahoo! maintain their respective brands.]
What do we think of this policy/content change?
Does anyone know the numbers? As in, what %s of user accounts/posts are NSFW vs SFW.
As noted in Section 8 of our Community Standards (Sexual Exploitation of Adults), people use Facebook to discuss and draw attention to sexual violence and exploitation. We recognize the importance of and want to allow for this discussion. We draw the line, however, when content facilitates, encourages or coordinates sexual encounters between adults. We also restrict sexually explicit language that may lead to solicitation because some audiences within our global community may be sensitive to this type of content and it may impede the ability for people to connect with their friends and the broader community.
Do not post:
Content that attempts to coordinate or recruit for adult sexual activities including but not limited to:
Filmed sexual activities
Pornographic activities, strip club shows, live sex performances, erotic dances
Sexual, erotic, or tantric massages
Content that engages in explicit sexual solicitation by, including but not limited to the following, offering or asking for:
Sex or sexual partners
Sex chat or conversations
Nude images
Content that engages in implicit sexual solicitation, which can be identified by offering or asking to engage in a sexual act and/or acts identified by other suggestive elements such as any of the following:
Vague suggestive statements, such as “looking for a good time tonight”
Sexualized slang
Using sexual hints such as mentioning sexual roles, sex positions, fetish scenarios, sexual preference/sexual partner preference, state of arousal, act of sexual intercourse or activity (sexual penetration or self-pleasuring), commonly sexualized areas of the body such as the breasts, groin, or buttocks, state of hygiene of genitalia or buttocks
Content (hand drawn, digital, or real-world art) that may depict explicit sexual activity or suggestively posed person(s).
Content that offers or asks for other adult activities such as:
Commercial pornography
Partners who share fetish or sexual interests
Sexually explicit language that adds details and goes beyond mere naming or mentioning of:
A state of sexual arousal (wetness or erection)
An act of sexual intercourse (sexual penetration, self-pleasuring or exercising fetish scenarios)
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex. This time around, the cubs show their age and reveal what has or hasn’t changed regarding sex. From growing pains to changing stigmas, the guys share their feelings about what is different for them from sex in their 20s to sex as they approach 50 and beyond.
