In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

• Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
• They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

• Controlling behaviors 
• Violence 
• Emotional and verbal abuse 
• Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
• Walking on eggshells 
• Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
• Using things against you that were told in confidence
• Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

• All or nothing communication 
• Pushes boundaries 
• Codependency or enmeshment 
• Difficulty with finding things in common 
• Lack of similarities with goals and values 
• These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

• Healthy communication 
• Respecting boundaries 
• Interdependence 
• Supportive of goals and values 
• Knowing love languages
• Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

• Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
• Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
• Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
• Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
• Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
• Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
• Dismiss opinions 
• Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

• Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
• They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
• They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
• They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
• They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
• They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

• YWCA Red, Yellow, and Green lights 
• Kinky Red and Green Flags

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