Tag Archives: avoidance

COL725: LoR: Adulting

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss how adulting is a part of our lives. From anxiety to accomplishments, it’s a discussion about how we move through avoiding responsibilities to the other side.

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Landscape of Relationships: Adulting

What is adulting? 

“The characteristic of behaving in a way characteristic of a responsible adult; especially the accomplishments of mundane but necessary tasks.”

Avoidance

  • the action of keeping away from or not doing something. 

Experiential avoidance 

  • the unwillingness to remain in contact with aversive experiences such as painful feelings, thoughts, and emotions
  • the relief that comes after you don’t do something 
  • instead of doing things that i need to do, i end up playing videos on tiktok or playing little games, or a get distracted 

Workability 

  • the concept of how our reaction to our thoughts are helpful or unhelpful and moving us towards the person we want to be.  Less focus on whether our thoughts are right or not.  

Example 

EAC Therapy 2023 Business goals 

  • Moving completely independent, get credentialed with insurance companies, and get my Sex Therapy Certification 
  • I was unwilling to make room for the anxiety that came along with the thought of failure 
  • Not doing them was easier than doing them….and I ALWAYS had an excuse NOT to do them.

Bullet Journal method 

  • an analog productivity tool that is designed to help someone structure their tasks with rapid logging.  
  • Ryder Carrol designed this method to help get people into action faster 
  • separated into rapid logging, monthly logs, weekly logs, and then daily logs
  • think of it like a more structured to-do list

1-2-3-4 Method

  1. Quick and easy task
  2. Cleaning task 
  3. In-depth task 
  4. Something fun to you
  • Categorize your rapid log into the 1,2,3 or 4
  • Pick one thing from each category and do each of them until you are done….then repeat as much as your can until you are done for your day 
  • The science tells us that if you can do something quick and easy then you have the momentum into a cleaning task.  Then you are already up, might as well complete that big task you have been putting off.  Once you are done, you can watch the season finale of that show you have been watching.  

Dr. Edward’s suggestions:

  • Be kind to yourself, Be realistic, Be brave and you will be ready.  
  • Get an accountability partner 
  • “Of course, I don’t want to do this. It’s okay to feel scared about this.”
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COL710: LoR: Self-care

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss self-care. From taking time for your personal needs to finding your stress levels minimize while out with friends, listen as the guys analyze the ins and outs of self-care. But is providing self-care selfish? Find out as Dr. Ed helps the guys learn more about it.

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Landscape of Relationships: Self-care

What is self-care?

The National Institute in Mental Health says that “self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact” (NIMH, December, 2022).

Examples of self-care 

  • Exercise 
  • Eating well and hydration 
  • Regular sleep 
  • Relaxing activity 
  • Goal setting (realistic goals, I mean)
  • Gratitude 
  • Practice acceptance and mindfulness 
  • Stay connected 

What isn’t here? 

  • Important question when it comes to self-care.  Am I practicing self-care or am I avoiding something?
  • Short term discomfort for long-term gain

What does it mean to practice self-care in relationships?

Differentiation of Self

  • One of the cornerstones of Bowen family systems theory, which states that families are an emotional system.  A person’s ability to manage the relationship between individualization and togetherness determines someone’s differentiation of self.  
  • Differentiated individuals are able to manage conflict without emotional reactivity, maintain their I-state, reach compromises; whereas, undifferentiated individuals tend to fuse with others or blend their emotional state with others, or their will exhibit emotional cutoff, which is where someone will manage their own emotional process by creating emotional and physical distance with someone.  

Social Self-care 

  • No person is an island and neither are you, ok?
  • Sometimes self-care is connecting with others and working on our relationships with others. 
  • Six Hours to a Better Relationship 

Final thoughts 

  • Reach healthy differentiation of self by identifying your own needs in conjunction with your relationship needs….AND recognize, accept, and validate the individual needs of the members of your relationships.  You will do yourself and everyone else a HUGE favor.  
  • “Self-care ain’t selfish” – Adoom 
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COL632: LoR: Goals & Accountability

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys come together in the new year to discuss goals and accountability. As many begin each year making new year’s resolutions that they often never keep,  listen in as Ed and the cubs break down the reasons why this may be a regular occurrence. From creating your goal roadmap to making yourself accountable for the roads you take, listen in as the guys give yet another perspective on the wandering journey of relationship building.

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Landscape of Relationships: Goals & Accountability

New Years resolutions

The Hobbit and LOTR “The Road Goes Ever On”

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

  • Gotta know what “The Road” or our values are.  

Values List 

Four Domains 

  • Work/Education 
  • Relationships
  • Leisure 
  • Personal Health and Wellness 

Translating Values into Goals – “Be a mapmaker”

  • Chose three guiding values 
  • SMART goals (Specific, Meaningful, Adaptive, Realistic, Timely)
  • Immediate (24 hours), Short Term, Medium-Term goals, Long-Term goals
  • Living Goals vs Dead Person Goals
  • Make sure you are heading in the right direction.  Ex. downhill skiing
  • Expected barriers 

Accountability 

  • We are ultimately responsible for our actions 
  • We get to be accountable to the goals we set for ourselves and the map that we make.
  • Feelings, situations, emotions, urges, memories are going to happen.  Make sure you have the needed resources.
  • Be mindful of avoidance and unhelpful sticky thought patterns
  • Be willing to address unhelpful patterns
  • Remember: you can always change your course, but at what and whose expense?  Honor your values and your commitments 
  • Let someone know your goals and work towards shared accountability.
  • Feeling guilty?  Good. You have values. 
  • Remember, not all those who wander are lost. Keep going.  
  • Progress is not always a straight line.  

 

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COL617: LoR: Struggle Bus

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the cubs take a ride on the struggle bus. Discussing conflict and conflict resolution, listen and learn along with the guys as they reveal the common pitfalls and potential solutions to this common problem.

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Landscape of Relationships: Struggle Bus

Four Horsemen 

  • Stonewalling
  • Criticism
  • Defensiveness
  • Contempt

Antidotes

  • Psychological Self-soothing [for Stonewalling]
  • Gentle Start Up [for Criticism]
  • Take Responsibility [for Defensiveness] – it’s okay to be wrong, make mistakes, own our limits, be vulnerable
  • Appreciation [for Contempt] – consider a ratio with 5 for 1 [5 appreciative thoughts for 1 contempt]

The Conflict BluePrint 

  • Current Conflicts
  • Attachment Injuries
  • Gridlock Issues 
    • Conflict is ongoing and recurring
    • 69% of conflicts are unsolvable
    • Utilize conversation/discussion to unearth the underlying source/cause

Resources:

The Marriage Minute – email newsletter signup site

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert – Amazon ordering info

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Amazon ordering info

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