Tag Archives: guilt

Podcasts

COL632: LoR: Goals & Accountability

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys come together in the new year to discuss goals and accountability. As many begin each year making new year’s resolutions that they often never keep,  listen in as Ed and the cubs break down the reasons why this may be a regular occurrence. From creating your goal roadmap to making yourself accountable for the roads you take, listen in as the guys give yet another perspective on the wandering journey of relationship building.

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Landscape of Relationships: Goals & Accountability

New Years resolutions

The Hobbit and LOTR “The Road Goes Ever On”

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

  • Gotta know what “The Road” or our values are.  

Values List 

Four Domains 

  • Work/Education 
  • Relationships
  • Leisure 
  • Personal Health and Wellness 

Translating Values into Goals – “Be a mapmaker”

  • Chose three guiding values 
  • SMART goals (Specific, Meaningful, Adaptive, Realistic, Timely)
  • Immediate (24 hours), Short Term, Medium-Term goals, Long-Term goals
  • Living Goals vs Dead Person Goals
  • Make sure you are heading in the right direction.  Ex. downhill skiing
  • Expected barriers 

Accountability 

  • We are ultimately responsible for our actions 
  • We get to be accountable to the goals we set for ourselves and the map that we make.
  • Feelings, situations, emotions, urges, memories are going to happen.  Make sure you have the needed resources.
  • Be mindful of avoidance and unhelpful sticky thought patterns
  • Be willing to address unhelpful patterns
  • Remember: you can always change your course, but at what and whose expense?  Honor your values and your commitments 
  • Let someone know your goals and work towards shared accountability.
  • Feeling guilty?  Good. You have values. 
  • Remember, not all those who wander are lost. Keep going.  
  • Progress is not always a straight line.  

 

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Podcasts

COL604: Landscape of Relationships: Apologies

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. First, we’re sorry that Damon is away this week. But fear not because our guest helps us navigate what makes up an apology and handling criticism. Take a seat, put your feet up, and listen to unexpected family insights.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Apologies

What is an apology?

  • An apology is a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure.

Dr. Harriet Lerner 

    • “When we don’t get an apology that we deserve, it can crack the foundation of a relationship.”
    • Regardless of the situation, the rules of apology are the same.

Process of An Apology 

  1. Say your sorry 
  2. Acknowledge the damage caused 
  3. Resist the temptation to say “but”
  4. Take responsibility for your actions 

Ingredients of an Apology

  • Don’t say “but”
    • “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, but you need to grow a thicker skin.”
  • Focus on your actions and not the other person’s response
    • “I’m sorry you feel that way”
    • “I’m sorry if you took what I said as offensive.”
  • KISS: Keep it simple, stupid.
  • Correct your behavior.
  • Stay consistent
  • Intend to heal, not silence
  • Do no harm 
  • Recognizing “I’m sorry” is just a part of it.
  • “If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood.  Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.” – Harriet Lerner

Responding to Criticism

  1. Recognize your defensiveness.
  2. Breathe
  3. Listen only to understand.
  4. Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. 
  5. Find something you can agree with.
  6. Apologize for your part. Period.
  7. Let the offended party know they have been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation.
  8. Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings.
  9. Take the initiative to bring the conversation up again.
  10. Draw the line at insults 
  11. Don’t listen when you can listen well. 
  12. Define your differences.

Why don’t people apologize?

  • Family history
  • Personal view 
  • Men don’t apologize, Women over-apologize
  • Perfectionism 
  • Self-esteem
  • Shame and guilt
  • “When our identity and sense of worth are at risk of being diminished or annihilated, we will not be able to offer a true apology and face all that the challenge of earning back trust entails.”
  • “Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. “ – Matt Kahn
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