Tag Archives: conflict

COL688: LoR: Sexual Desire

March 21, 2023 boxtech Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss sexual desire. While not a usual LoR topic, it can be part of the conversation. Listen as Ed speaks on the complicated definition of sexual desire, where it comes from, and what impacts it in our day-to-day lives.

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Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Desire

First, sexual desire is complicated.

Is it an emotion? Yes
Is it a motivation? Yes
Is it a state of being? Yes
Is it required to have sex? Not necessarily

Sexual desire is the interest (or lack of interest) toward engaging in sexual activity. This presents itself with thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. Some people look at sexual desire existing on a spectrum from disgust to neutral to excited.

One way I have heard sexual desire described is akin to hunger. And I like this analogy for a few reasons that we will discuss.

Let’s go back to the idea of a smorgasbord….let’s imagine that there is not a Golden Corral that can hold the variety of sexual desire (Rule 34 of the Internet). So when we talk about sexual desire, the limit does not seem to exist.

What impacts sexual desire?

Biology/Evolution
- Age can be a factor, Propagation of the species (sex as a reward); amygdala (emotional center) and hypothalamus (responsible for sexual arousal) Men’s desire is more based on visual cues when compared to women, cued interest “we don’t know why we desire something” v. uncued interest “has an origin story”; the “absolute territory” (Japanese zettai ryouiki), the band of skin between the bottom of the end of the skirt and the top of the socks. Disclaimer: this is based on statistics and not all human behavior can be reduced to statistics. If this isn’t your experience, it does not mean you are not valid.
Medical
- Low testosterone, heart disease, Cancer, physical pain, psychotropic medications
Relational
- Relationship conflict, and sexual scripts
Intergenerational
- Abuse and religiosity and culture
Psychological
- Anxiety, Unhelpful body/sexual narratives, other sexual disorders
Social
- Cultural sexual narratives and scripts

“For most of Western Civilization low sexual desire has been a goal, not a problem.” – David Schnarch

In a sex negative world, no wonder people are so confused about their sexual desires or lack thereof. Remember the sexual smorgasbord idea? If dominating cultural narratives created the smorgasbord, then there would only be a few options for a few people….the rest would be closed.

Resources:

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COL673: LoR: Smörgåsbord

November 29, 2022 boxtech Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. For this one, it’s time to belly up to the table as Dr. Ed scoops up a heaping helping of the smorgasbord relationship dynamic. Chow down with the cubs as they sink their teeth into this idea of understanding relationship anarchy. As the guys get to the meat of this topic, will you keep asking for seconds or will you be full up?

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Landscape of Relationships: Smörgåsbord

Landscape of Relationships is back with Dr. Angelini-Cooke to discuss the yummy idea of a Smörgåsbord. Belly up and get ready to sink your teeth into some tasty discussion.

Last month we discussed relationship anarchy, a relationship philosophy developed by Andie Nordgren, that suggests that relationships shouldn’t be bound by any rules not agreed upon by the involved parties.

The relationship anarchy Smorgasbord finds its origins in December 2016 by Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr in Vancouver polyamory. This was updated by Maxx Hill in April and September of 2018. The fifth version was created in January 2019.

“This board includes a number of concepts antithetical to many understandings of RA. Not all who use this are Relationship Anarchists, and those who are may need to discuss how their relational style differs from cultural norms.

The categories are loose generalizations to help conversation, and are arranged with those relating to the larger social/political systems toward the outside, and the more personal toward the center.

To form your relationships: you and another can pick any number of “items” from any number of “platters,” take a huge helping or just a scoop. The dish the two of you hold is your relationship. Remember you must agree together on what is in it! No sneaking items in without the other knowing, or there will likely be conflict or disappointment later. Also: it’s your dish, so if you decide to change what you want from the smörgåsbord later, that’s cool.”

Categories: Physical Intimacy, Kink, Emotional Intimacy, Power Exchange, Partnership, Sexual, Romanctic Collaborative, Professional/Work, Creative, Co-caregivers, Companionship Playfulness, Public Displays of Affection, Emotional Support, Communication, Financial, Legal, Power/Hierarchy, Exclusivity, Caregiving, Religious/Spirituality, Labels/terms, Systems of Oppression (within each of these categories are related items).

“Suggested Notations:

Yes, Maybe, Maybe in the Future, and Let’s Talk, Definitely No. Color-coding and highlighting is fun too.”

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COL628: LoR: In-Laws

December 14, 2021 boxtech Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

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Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult. That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws. Is that the case with same-sex relationships?

Meeting the In-Laws

Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
BOUNDARIES!!!!!
1. Know your values
2. Stay true to you.
Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.
1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian. Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
Relationships usually improved with time
While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.

You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?

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COL617: LoR: Struggle Bus

September 21, 2021 boxtech Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the cubs take a ride on the struggle bus. Discussing conflict and conflict resolution, listen and learn along with the guys as they reveal the common pitfalls and potential solutions to this common problem.

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Landscape of Relationships: Struggle Bus

Four Horsemen

Stonewalling
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt

Antidotes

Psychological Self-soothing [for Stonewalling]
Gentle Start Up [for Criticism]
Take Responsibility [for Defensiveness] – it’s okay to be wrong, make mistakes, own our limits, be vulnerable
Appreciation [for Contempt] – consider a ratio with 5 for 1 [5 appreciative thoughts for 1 contempt]

The Conflict BluePrint

Current Conflicts
Attachment Injuries
Gridlock Issues
- Conflict is ongoing and recurring
- 69% of conflicts are unsolvable
- Utilize conversation/discussion to unearth the underlying source/cause

Resources:

The Marriage Minute – email newsletter signup site

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert – Amazon ordering info

Eight Dates: Essential Conversations for a Lifetime of Love – Amazon ordering info

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COL571: ATNS: Pedestal 2 Cancel

September 30, 2020 boxtech Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys present another All T, No Shade! This time around, the cubs discuss the recent fall of “pedestal level” celebrities due to their actions and beliefs both on and offline. Possibly attributed to social media spreading information faster, famous people are being canceled. Listen in as the guys discuss some recent “victims” of cancel culture and share their opinions and observations on its effect throughout society at large.