Tag Archives: edward angelini-cooke

COL640: LoR: Chosen Family

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, Damon is on assignment in Detroit, Michigan and will fill us in on his experience in a future episode while Jeff and Gary chat with Edward about what is a chosen family. From our origins to the aunties, cousins, sisters, and brothers we choose, the LGBTQ community has developed its own families. But are they still needed today?

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Landscape of Relationships: Chosen Family

Rina Sawayama and Elton John (2021)

Where do I belong?

Tell me your story and I’ll tell you mine

I’m all ears, take your time, we got all night

Show me the rivers crossed, the mountains scaled

Show me who made you walk all the way here

Settle down, put your bags down

(Ooh) You’re alright now

We don’t need to be related to relate

We don’t need to share genes or a surname

You are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

So what if we don’t look the same?

We been going through the same thing

Yeah, you are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

What is a Chosen Family?

  • “chosen families are nonbiological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not, deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.
  • Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship, cultural anthropologist Kath Weston defines chosen family as consisting of “friends, partners and ex-partners, biological and non-biological children, and others who provide kinship support.”
  • The term originated within the LGBTQ community and was used to describe early queer gatherings like the Harlem Drag Balls of the late nineteenth century.
  • Movies like Paris is Burning, shows like Pose as well as RENT highlighted the concept of chosen families 
  • Often times a protective factor against forms of discrimination and violence at home and helps create positive and, hopefully, secure, attachments with others.

Chosen Families and COVID

 People Need Paid Leave Policies That Cover Chosen Family 

  • Last year, New York City began allowing workers to use paid time off to care for anyone they personally define as family, whether they’re “related by blood or affinity.” In doing so, NYC joined other major metropolises like Chicago, San Francisco, and St. Paul, MN, as well as states like Arizona and Rhode Island, in honoring non-biological kinship.

Chosen Family by Them 

  • A list of articles/blogs that include content on the topic of Chosen Families 
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COL636: LoR: Love Languages

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys show how they feel the love within the five love languages. From learning what the languages are to sharing their results, listen in as the guys gift us some touching acts of quality words to help understand how these languages affirm the love and affection one can feel for their loved ones. In addition, learn more about more recent developments in the love languages from neurodivergent to kink play dynamics.

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Landscape of Relationships: Love Languages

Love Languages (Gary Chapman):

  1. Words of Affirmation 
  2. Quality Time
  3. Acts of Service 
  4. Gifts
  5. Physical Touch 

The 5 Love Languages (according to Britney, Bitch!):

  • Physical Touch: My loneliness is killing me
  • Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
  • Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
  • Give Giving: Give me a sign
  • Acts of Service: Hit me baby one more time

The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages:

  • Infodumping
  • Parallel Play
  • Support Swapping
  • Please Crush My Soul Back into My Body
  • “I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc and thought you would like it”

Comparison of Results:

Gary Chapman, PhD, 1992, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts 

Fear not: John Gottman and the Gottman approach, which I reference often, is a good overlap with the 5 languages of love….and allows some flexibility with the concepts.

BDSM and Love Languages  

Have Fun With It

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COL632: LoR: Goals & Accountability

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys come together in the new year to discuss goals and accountability. As many begin each year making new year’s resolutions that they often never keep,  listen in as Ed and the cubs break down the reasons why this may be a regular occurrence. From creating your goal roadmap to making yourself accountable for the roads you take, listen in as the guys give yet another perspective on the wandering journey of relationship building.

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Landscape of Relationships: Goals & Accountability

New Years resolutions

The Hobbit and LOTR “The Road Goes Ever On”

The Road goes ever on and on,

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can,

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.

  • Gotta know what “The Road” or our values are.  

Values List 

Four Domains 

  • Work/Education 
  • Relationships
  • Leisure 
  • Personal Health and Wellness 

Translating Values into Goals – “Be a mapmaker”

  • Chose three guiding values 
  • SMART goals (Specific, Meaningful, Adaptive, Realistic, Timely)
  • Immediate (24 hours), Short Term, Medium-Term goals, Long-Term goals
  • Living Goals vs Dead Person Goals
  • Make sure you are heading in the right direction.  Ex. downhill skiing
  • Expected barriers 

Accountability 

  • We are ultimately responsible for our actions 
  • We get to be accountable to the goals we set for ourselves and the map that we make.
  • Feelings, situations, emotions, urges, memories are going to happen.  Make sure you have the needed resources.
  • Be mindful of avoidance and unhelpful sticky thought patterns
  • Be willing to address unhelpful patterns
  • Remember: you can always change your course, but at what and whose expense?  Honor your values and your commitments 
  • Let someone know your goals and work towards shared accountability.
  • Feeling guilty?  Good. You have values. 
  • Remember, not all those who wander are lost. Keep going.  
  • Progress is not always a straight line.  

 

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COL628: LoR: In-Laws

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

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Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult.  That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws.  Is that the case with same-sex relationships? 

Meeting the In-Laws

  1. Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
  2. Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
  3. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
    1. Know your values
    2. Stay true to you.
  4. Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.  
    1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian.  Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

  1. Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
  2. Relationships usually improved with time
  3. While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
  4. Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
  5. Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.  

  • You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
  • What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
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COL624: LoR: Unfriending

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the topic of unfriending. Whether it be friends, family or “framily”, there are situations which may require a need to remove people from your lives. Listen in as the cubs share some advice on when, how and who should be unfriended.

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Landscape of Relationships: Unfriending

  • Top 8
  • Close Friends
  • Feed
  • Limited Feed
  • Unfollow 
  • Block

ParentsMyCounselor article – Healthy Relationships with Adult Children 

  • This comes from a Christian counseling website  
  • Look at this like a checklist to see if you have them 
  • Setting expectations of how you are to be treated is HUGE.  
  • Check out the boundaries podcast 
  • Think of boundaries like the rules of D&D

FriendsPsychology Today: 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends 

This is a great article on using yourself as a reference point to assess your friendships with others. (If we want honesty from others we have to make sure we are honest.)

  • Advice my Mom gave me growing up that I didn’t always take, “stick with the winners.”  I have adapted it to, “Stay close to the ones who know where they are headed.” I don’t like the winners/losers dichotomy, but it has the same idea. 
  • Like D&D, be mindful about who you party with. 

Friends and Family – Personal Excellence article – Unsupportive People 

  • Don’t go to the hardware store for bread. 
  • Find out where the hardware store is.
  • If I’m out of life, unless I have someone on my party who has regeneration….I need to get it from someone else.
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