Tag Archives: Landscape of Relationships

Podcasts

COL669: LoR: Relationship Anarchy

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Damon is away this week celebrating his birthday, but have no fear dear listeners – because Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke has returned! From scripts to relationship values, the guys discuss determining what each of us wants and needs.

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Landscape of Relationships: Relationship Anarchy

Landscape of Relationships is back with Dr. Angelini-Cooke to discuss the topic of Relationship Anarchy. Who doesn’t love disorder in their connections with others? Perhaps that isn’t what it means. Let’s learn together!

Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy post 

The term Relationship anarchist (also commonly called RA) was coined by Ardie Nordgren. Nordgren created the Instructional Manifesto for Relationship Anarchy in 2006. The Manifesto is a quick and easy read consisting of 9 principles of RA: 

  1. Love is abundant, and every relationship is unique
  2. Love and respect instead of entitlement 
  3. Find your core set of relationship values
  4. Heterosexism is rampant and out there, but don’t let fear lead you
  5. Build for the lovely unexpected
  6. Fake it til’ you make it
  7. Trust is better
  8. Change through communication
  9. Customize your commitments

“Relationship anarchy is a way of approaching relationships that rejects any rules and expectations other than the ones the involved people agree on. This approach ‘encourages people to let their core values guide how they choose and craft their relationship commitments rather than relying on social norms to dictate what is right for you,” Dedeker Winston, co-host of the Multiamory podcast

Relationship Anarchists is different and distinctive from polyamory and consensual non-monogamy because while a majority of RA practitioners may be poly and/or CNM, you can be monogamous and still practice RA.  

Choose your own adventure relationships. “Designer Relationships” by Mark A. Michaels

This is in line with our last LOR topic of amatonormativity. Many ace and aro individuals are using RA as a way to navigate their relationships and future relationships, because RA can apply to any and all types of relationships, not just romantic or sexual. There is no hierarchy.

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COL661: LoR: Queer Platonic Relationships

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss QPRs or Queer Platonic Relationships. QPRs are intimate relationships that are neither romantic nor sexual in nature. Listen in as Ed builds up the fundamentals of this different relationship dynamic and its origins and brings it up to date for modern audiences.

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Landscape of Relationships: Queer Platonic Relationships

Landscape of Relationships returns. Queer platonic relationships are our focus this month when it comes to relationships. QPRs are committed intimate relationships which are neither romantic nor sexual in nature and that differ from close friendship by having the same structure and status as a romantic relationship. The concept originates in aromantic and asexual spaces in the LGBT community. The term has begun to also be used in polyamorous communities to help describe the complex relationships.  The term “queers” social norms for defining relationships, it isn’t a friendship nor is it a romantic relationship.

Asexual (Ace)

  • “Sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone and/or does not experience desire for sexual contact” (aceandaros.com, 2021)

Aromantic (Aro)

  • “Romantic orientation, which describes people whose experience of romance is disconnected from normative societal expectations, commonly due to experiencing little to no romantic attraction, but also due to feeling repulsed by romance, or being uninterested in romantic relationships.” (AUREA FAQ on Aromanticism.org, 2021).  

Allosexual 

  • “Describes people who are not on the asexual spectrum. They can have any romantic orientation, including aromantic” (TAAAP.org, 2021).  

Alloromantic

  • “Described people who are not on the aromantic spectrum. They have any sexual orientation, including asexual” (TAAAP.org, 2001).

Historically speaking , QPR has been described as an “ancient practice made new again”. 

  • Boston Marriages – A Boston marriage was one in which two independent women chose to build a life and a household together, rather than marrying. 
  • Romantic Friendships – Close but often times non-sexual relationship. Used primarily in historical contexts (e.g. Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens; Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed).

Zucchini 

  • Term of endearment used to describe a queerplatonic partner.  
  • Also, “squish” has been used to describe a non-romantic crush.

Amatonormativity (Elizabeth Brake)

  • The idea that everyone needs to be in a romantic relationship 
  • Hallmark movies 
  • Laws surrounding marriage 
  • Chosen families 

Other Resources

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COL649: LoR: Red Flags, Green Flags

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

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Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

  • Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
  • They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

  • Controlling behaviors 
  • Violence 
  • Emotional and verbal abuse 
  • Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
  • Walking on eggshells 
  • Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
  • Using things against you that were told in confidence
  • Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

  • All or nothing communication 
  • Pushes boundaries 
  • Codependency or enmeshment 
  • Difficulty with finding things in common 
  • Lack of similarities with goals and values 
  • These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

  • Healthy communication 
  • Respecting boundaries 
  • Interdependence 
  • Supportive of goals and values 
  • Knowing love languages
  • Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

  • Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
  • Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
  • Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
  • Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
  • Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
  • Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
  • Dismiss opinions 
  • Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

  • Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
  • They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
  • They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
  • They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
  • They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
  • They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

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COL644: LoR: Intimacy & Arousal

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode we discuss Intimacy and Arousal. We let you in on the secret of the types and levels of intimacy and work the runway of arousal.

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Landscape of Relationships: Intimacy & Arousal

Intimacy 

David Shnarch – “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone in on the secret.”

Types of Intimacy 

  • Sexual
  • Emotional
  • Intellectual 
  • Aesthetic
  • Creative
  • Recreational
  • Work
  • Crisis
  • Commitment 
  • Conflict 
  • Communication
  • Spiritual 
  • Celebration
  • Physical 

Good Intimacy Tool 

Levels of Intimacy 

  • Safe communication
  • Other’s opinions and beliefs
  • Personal opinions and beliefs
  • Me feelings and experiences 
  • My needs, emotions, and desires

Example: Farting stage of a relationship 

Arousal 

  • Physical response to stimuli 

Problem 

  • Experiential avoidance

The Arousal Runway 

  • Psychological arousal 
  • Face-to-face arousal (role place a sexy scene)
  • Side-by-side (listening to a erotic story, watching ethical porn)

Himeros.tv

“Our fantasies are our allies”

“Fantasies are fantasies”

“People have sex within the limits of their sexual development. We stick to having sex in familiar ways that keep us comfortable. Having sex beyond your sexual development creates anxiety and makes you nervous. Mastering this anxiety is how you become a sexually mature adult.” – David Shnarch

Wrap Up

  • Intimacy is important for arousal in relationships
  • Shame and guilt can negatively impact intimacy and arousal 
  • Take baby steps
  • Explore your fantasies….they might be the doorway to some great experiences 
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COL640: LoR: Chosen Family

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, Damon is on assignment in Detroit, Michigan and will fill us in on his experience in a future episode while Jeff and Gary chat with Edward about what is a chosen family. From our origins to the aunties, cousins, sisters, and brothers we choose, the LGBTQ community has developed its own families. But are they still needed today?

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Landscape of Relationships: Chosen Family

Rina Sawayama and Elton John (2021)

Where do I belong?

Tell me your story and I’ll tell you mine

I’m all ears, take your time, we got all night

Show me the rivers crossed, the mountains scaled

Show me who made you walk all the way here

Settle down, put your bags down

(Ooh) You’re alright now

We don’t need to be related to relate

We don’t need to share genes or a surname

You are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

So what if we don’t look the same?

We been going through the same thing

Yeah, you are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

What is a Chosen Family?

  • “chosen families are nonbiological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not, deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.
  • Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship, cultural anthropologist Kath Weston defines chosen family as consisting of “friends, partners and ex-partners, biological and non-biological children, and others who provide kinship support.”
  • The term originated within the LGBTQ community and was used to describe early queer gatherings like the Harlem Drag Balls of the late nineteenth century.
  • Movies like Paris is Burning, shows like Pose as well as RENT highlighted the concept of chosen families 
  • Often times a protective factor against forms of discrimination and violence at home and helps create positive and, hopefully, secure, attachments with others.

Chosen Families and COVID

 People Need Paid Leave Policies That Cover Chosen Family 

  • Last year, New York City began allowing workers to use paid time off to care for anyone they personally define as family, whether they’re “related by blood or affinity.” In doing so, NYC joined other major metropolises like Chicago, San Francisco, and St. Paul, MN, as well as states like Arizona and Rhode Island, in honoring non-biological kinship.

Chosen Family by Them 

  • A list of articles/blogs that include content on the topic of Chosen Families 
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