In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy

Jealousy Quotes 

“Beware….of jealousy!  It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou 

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead 

Cognitive Triangle 

Emotions

• Emotions are needed for survival 

Universally accepted expressions of feelings 

Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?

Complex Emotions 

examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy

• Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components:  Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
• Complex emotions  vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.

Jealousy

• What is it?  Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear.  Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
• DISCLAIMER:  This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships.  We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.  
• Is it normal?  Absolutely.  Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy.  It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds.  While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.  
• People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
• Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.  
• Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.  
• Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers.  (Second Life study)

 

What Do We Do?

 

• Work on yourself first….

 

• • • What is your relationship with jealousy?  Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life?  How intense?  
    • What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?  
    • What evidence do we have?  What am I thinking about?  
    • Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious?  At whom or what?  
    • How am I experiencing this physically?  If I feel tense, can I relax? 
    • Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
    • Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
    • Communicate with your partner your feelings.  Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing.  Discuss boundaries.

 

• If your partner is the one who is jealous….

 

• • Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
  • Don’t respond 
  • Reflect back what you are hearing
  • Practice empathy
  • Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.  

Addressing your Jealousy 

• Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end 
  • Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment 
  • Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR) 
  • Positive affirmations
  • Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Compersion

• Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.  
• Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality.  Increase empathy.  Look through their eyes.
• Constriction to expansion.
• Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.  

Review:

• Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
• Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.  
• Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
• Communicate 
• If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful. 

Resources 

• Listening to Jealousy 
• What is Jealousy?
• Basic and Complex Emotions
• Jealousy Hurts Love, or does it?
• Jealousy in a Polyamorous Relationship

Books:  

• Jealousy Workbook 
• Ester Perel’s Mating in Captivity 
• Opening Up 
• More Than Two 
• The Ethical Slut

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