In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss self-care. From taking time for your personal needs to finding your stress levels minimize while out with friends, listen as the guys analyze the ins and outs of self-care. But is providing self-care selfish? Find out as Dr. Ed helps the guys learn more about it.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Self-care
What is self-care?
The National Institute in Mental Health says that “self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact” (NIMH, December, 2022).
Examples of self-care
Exercise
Eating well and hydration
Regular sleep
Relaxing activity
Goal setting (realistic goals, I mean)
Gratitude
Practice acceptance and mindfulness
Stay connected
What isn’t here?
Important question when it comes to self-care. Am I practicing self-care or am I avoiding something?
Short term discomfort for long-term gain
What does it mean to practice self-care in relationships?
Differentiation of Self
One of the cornerstones of Bowen family systems theory, which states that families are an emotional system. A person’s ability to manage the relationship between individualization and togetherness determines someone’s differentiation of self.
Differentiated individuals are able to manage conflict without emotional reactivity, maintain their I-state, reach compromises; whereas, undifferentiated individuals tend to fuse with others or blend their emotional state with others, or their will exhibit emotional cutoff, which is where someone will manage their own emotional process by creating emotional and physical distance with someone.
Social Self-care
No person is an island and neither are you, ok?
Sometimes self-care is connecting with others and working on our relationships with others.
Reach healthy differentiation of self by identifying your own needs in conjunction with your relationship needs….AND recognize, accept, and validate the individual needs of the members of your relationships. You will do yourself and everyone else a HUGE favor.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]
How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”? This is WAY more common than you think it is. Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form.
John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings.
We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.
Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.
“Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers
Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.
Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment
Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship
Blames sense for rejection
Reassurance of their own worth and love.
Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment
Independent, social, high self-esteem
Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy
Feel they do not need emotional intimacy
Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment
Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt
Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Traits of a Secure Relationship
Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship
Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship
Able to bond and trust others
For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)
Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment
Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al., lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.
Bear community
Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment
BUT…..this is a two-step process.
Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.
Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.
Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves
Self-awareness and accountability
If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do.. What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself? What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken. This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.
Communicate
Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly.
Two-way street. Listening is part of the process too.
Practice intimacy
David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.” This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
It’s okay to be mysterious. Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.
Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.
Practice independence
Accept that you will struggle with this.
Ask questions.
Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support. “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
Google is your friend.
CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
Find secure people
Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. Today’s topic is New Relationship Energy. That euphoric feeling one gets from their glorious new relationship! However, there can be some challenges. From Limerence of monogamy to the NRE of Polyamory, the cubs break down the pros and cons of this addiction to love.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: New Relationship Energy
How many songs can you think of that frame romantic love to addiction?
Dorothy Tennov, psychologist, coined the term limerence in her 1979 book Love and Limerence to describe the phenomenon of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of beginning a relationship. We also call it having a crush. These feelings are categorized as being intrusive and everything seems to be about this person. We can’t listen to the radio because every song seems to be about them. Everything we see seems to remind us about them. They become the central force of gravity in your life. A black hole of attraction. We have all had it at some time or another….and sometimes it is even reciprocated.
New Relationship Energy (NRE)
Similar to limererance but for individuals in polyamorous relationships to describe and help manage the thoughts and feelings that arise during new relationship among already existing ones. This is helpful to frame especially when feelings of jealousy from other partners are present.
NRE is a hot topic in poly circles because it often comes up.
You know that song “Your Love is a Drug” by Kesha?
She wasn’t lying.
The same chemical reactions that occur neurologically during the limerence phase of a new relationship also occur during crack cocaine addiction. The relationship gives us the all of that feel good dopamine and norepinephrine, but also comes with obsessive thoughts when you are not with that other person…similar to withdrawal. That is because we are experiencing low serotonin production at these times, which satiates us and lets us know “mmmm…..I’m full.” Like Alexander Hamilton, we can never be satisfied in those early months.
Cons of NRE
Hyperfocus on new relationship, neglect other relationships and responsibilities
Increases likelihood of negatively evaluating other partner’s behaviors.
Sometimes questionable behavior that is uncharacteristic (e.g. moving, big purchases)
Overlooking red flags
Pros of NRE
Good feelings
High energy
Increased likelihood to try new things
Community wisdom (you are not alone…there are MANY others who have been there too)
What to do?
Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Floor
Its okay to be feel the good feelings….but be practical.
Don’t make big purchases: ( e.g. sign anything anything over $500 without consulting outside party)
Check In’s with friends and date nights with partners
USE THAT ENERGY IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS!!!
This, too, shall pass.
Research suggests 6 months to 2 years.
Old Relationship Energy (aka Established Relationship Energy, Existing Relationship Energy)
Mina Beveney Dissertation Kinky POC Research Study
Are you a kinky person of color? You may be eligible to participate in an anonymous online survey about your experiences! This research will amplify and center the voices of kinky people of color, and results may benefit the larger community. Mina Beveney, a doctoral candidate and Black psychotherapist, is seeking participants for a 20 to 30-minute survey that will ask about experiences of racial or ethnic discrimination, sexual self-concept, and coping.
If you are a person of color age 18 or over that has participated in in-person BDSM spaces or contexts in the United States within the past 24 months, please follow this link (https://rebrand.ly/RaceKinkSurvey) to find out more and participate. Participants may choose to enter into a drawing to win a one of four $25 gift cards.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys continue their “What is…” series with an episode on pleasure. So, what’s your pleasure? What’s my pleasure? Is it a pleasure to meet you or a pleasure to make your acquaintance? Is pleasure just sexual or are there multiple types of pleasure? Listen in as the cubs get to the pleasure principle and break it all down for you. Will this episode be pleasurable to you?
Show Topic
What is… Pleasure?
Definition: noun – a feeling of happy satisfaction and enjoyment. Adjective – used or intended for entertainment rather than business. Verb – give sexual enjoyment or satisfaction to.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by guest Michael Q to discuss recent changes to the donation of blood. With COVID-19 affecting almost all avenues of life, the FDA removed its previous limitations; shortening the amount of time men who have sex with men are eligible to give blood. Listen as the cubs discuss and share their opinions on these restrictions and what it means for the gay male community.
Show Topic
The Blood Ban – the US FDA made news on April 2nd when updating their policy to allow MSM to donate blood if they have not been with another male for 3 months vs the previous 12 month limitation.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss self-care. From taking time for your personal needs to finding your stress levels minimize while out with friends, listen as the guys analyze the ins and outs of self-care. But is providing self-care selfish? Find out as Dr. Ed helps the guys learn more about it.
