In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]

How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”?  This is WAY more common than you think it is.  Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form. 

John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings. 

• We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
• Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
• Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.

• “Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers 
• Secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, avoidant-insecure attachment 

Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.  

Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment 

• Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship 
• Blames sense for rejection 
• Reassurance of their own worth and love.

Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment 

• Independent, social, high self-esteem 
• Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
• Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy 
• Feel they do not need emotional intimacy 

Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment 

• Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt 
• Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
• Self-fulfilling prophecy

Traits of a Secure Relationship 

• Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship 
• Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship 
• Able to bond and trust others

For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)

• Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment 
• Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
• Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
• Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al.,  lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.

Bear community 

• Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
• Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
• Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment 

BUT…..this is a two-step process.

Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.

• Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
• If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.  

Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves

• Self-awareness and accountability
  • If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do..  What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself?  What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken.  This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.  
• Communicate
  • Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly. 
  • Two-way street.  Listening is part of the process too.
• Practice intimacy 
  • David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.”  This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
  • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
  • It’s okay to be mysterious.  Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.  
  • Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.  
• Practice independence
  • Accept that you will struggle with this.  
  • Ask questions.  
  • Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support.  “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
  • Google is your friend.
  • CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
• Find secure people
  • Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
  • Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.

References/Resources

• Quick Attachment Quiz
• Normalizing Attachment 
• Millennial Therapist – great attachment content 
• Integrated Attachment and Sexual Minority Stress Model

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