Tag Archives: empathy

Podcasts

COL680: LoR: Parasocial Interactions

Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. The cubs are once again joined by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for this insightful look into one-sided parasocial interactions. From celebrities to social media influencers, learn how these types of relationships are formed without the others’ knowledge and also the positive and negative impacts they can have on the person creating it. Please like, comment and subscribe to learn more.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Parasocial Interactions

Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships where one person invests lots of time, energy, interest, and sometimes money where the other person is completely unaware of the other person’s existence.  Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations, television stars, and social media.  These relationships are created through parasocial interactions (PSI) through mediated encounters with performers through mass media.

Social media offers an added layer of interaction for these relationships to intensify through likes, comments, and direct messaging.  

Alief – def. knowing something isn’t real but feeling like it is

Positive Outcomes of Parasocial Relationships

*Identity Formation 

  • performers can offer autonomy in relationships where they can receive total acceptance outside of parents/family.  
  • provide a secure relationship without the fear of rejection.
  • feeling a part of a group 
  • empathy

*Learning

  • Bandura’s Social Learning Theory says that social behavior is learning and imitating the behaviors of others. 
  • Shows like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, and more recently Bluey all offer kids opportunities to learn through identification with these characters.  

Negative Outcomes of Parasocial Relationships 

*Body Image 

  • research has indicated a negative relationship between parasocial relationships and body image, as well as self-comparison, social comparison with characters increases negative body image 
  • interestingly among men, having a PSR with a superhero is likely to protect body image, where not having a PSR with a superhero is likely to hurt body image 
  • the usage of filters in social media (like airbrushing in print media) has greatly increased, giving a false reality of performers.

*Aggression 

  • more aggressive viewers were more likely to identify with aggressive characters and create PSR with them. 

*General 

  • anxiety media views are more likely to be more invested in parasocial relationships 
  • parasocial relationships are one-sided and different traditional friendships
  • the whole hegemonic masculinity thing
  • parasocial breakups and grief “what happens when they ‘betray’ you or they die?” Research indicated this follows the patterns of a relationship breakup
  • can create bias in reality 

Topics of PSR

  • Taylor Swift “Swifties”, Lizzo “Lizzbeans”
  • Twitter/Only Fans
  • Reality TV Stars 
  • Vloggers/Podcast hosts 
  • Fictional Characters 
  • Tiktok 
  • Politicians

Be mindful of the media you are consuming and how that translates into your other relationships and the real world.

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Podcasts

COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Podcasts

COL591: LTAS: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for another Let’s Talk About Sex. For this episode, the cubs “cum” together to discuss ejaculation and orgasms. The first thing to learn is that they are not the same thing. Listen in as Ed breaks it down from the scientific to the emotional and all that’s in between.

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

This topic is going to be super straight forward, y’all….

  • Orgasm refers to the subjective experience of pleasure associated with ejaculation. 
  • Ejaculation is the process of pushing the seminal fluids out of the verumontanum (“balloon”) inside the prostate through the urethra and out of the penis.  

Usually these are experienced at the same time, however they are two different physiological processes.  

Basically, ejaculation happens between your legs, and orgasm happens between your ears.  

Human Sexual Response Cycle (Kaplan, 1974; Masters & Johnson, 1966)

  • Desire 
  • Excitement (Arousal)
  • Plateau 
  • Orgasm/Ejaculation 
  • Satisfaction 

The Journey to Ejaculation 

  • Erection (brain, nervous system, vascular system leads to penile rigidity….this process is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system…think “Point”)
  • Emission
    • Collection and transport of fluids that make up semen in preparation for ejaculation.  Sperm travels from your testicles through the vas deferens, which meet at the prostate gland with the exiting your bladder to form your urethra tube.  The urethra tube runs through the prostate gland and out through the penis.  When we get an erection, the exit of the bladder closes (which it is why it is hard to pee in the morning when you have a hard on), your testicles are drawn up against your body, and semen collects in the verumontanum or the “balloon”, which is a balloonlike chamber inside the prostate gland. When someone gets so stimulated to the point of ejaculation, the verumontanum fills with semen to three times its size.  The pressure triggers the ejaculatory inevitability sensation and then the reflex of ejaculation.  Once we reach this point, there is no turning back, someone could walk in your room with gun’s ablazing, you are still going to shoot your load.  
  • Ejaculation 
    • Ejaculation does completely happen between your legs, your brain is involved too.  When a critical level of nerve input from the verumontanum reaches the spinal cord, that triggers the ejaculatory response.  The pelvic floor muscles play a role here too in contracting which helps in the pushing out of the semen.  (This process is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system….think: s for shoot) Pro-tip: if you want to delay ejaculation, learn some relaxation pelvic floor exercises to use during sex. 

What’s going on between our ears when we orgasm?

  • During sex, the logical part of our brain (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) shuts down.  This is the part of the brain that is responsible for reason, decision making, and value judgements.  Also, likely why we might not always make the best choices when we are having sex.  We are less likely to experience a decrease of fear and anxiety during this time.  
  • Oxytocin and vasopresin, the “cuddle hormones” are building up, and are released out of the hypothalamus at the point of orgasm with a rush of dopamine, the “the feel good hormone”.  
  • As we are revving up closer to orgasm, the mix of endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, help to make us less sensitive to pain during sex (note to all you kink-folks out there).  So, the same areas in our brain that process pleasure ALSO PROCESS PAIN THERE!  
  • After we orgasm, the body releases serotonin, the happy hormones, which can also stimulate a sense to take a nap.  

Questions: 

  • What are some common problems men face during sex?  
  • What are some other questions you guys want to ask me?

Final take-aways: Erection is not needed for orgasm; ejaculation is not required for orgasm; ejaculation and orgasm are not required for a positive sexual experience.

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Podcasts

COL586: What is. . . Authenticity?

Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs present another chapter of our “What Is…” series. The guys are joined by COL Resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to unravel authenticity. As many folks had time on their hands in 2020 to be introspective, the idea of being authentic to themselves and what that means rang true. But, what does this mean and what steps can one take to find authenticity?

Show Topic

Our ‘What is…’ series – focusing on Authenticity. We survived 2020 which tried us in so many ways. Some took the opportunity to look inward and reflect on self-improvement. 

Background – Jenna Marbles and the End of Authenticity 

  • Authenticity is a process, that involves progress and context
  • “The Good Place” – We can’t just forget our progress
  • Phones don’t allow us to do that….every video can be interpreted as a present moment in time
  • YouTube creators deleting content reduces authenticity similar to ripping up pages in a diary so you are only seeing “the good stuff”
  • Similar to “Burn” in Hamilton 

Brené Brown is a social worker and researcher with the University of Houston’s Graduate School of Social Work.  She has spent the past two decades studying courage, shame, empathy, and vulnerability.  

Basically, in order for us to practice authenticity, we need courage, compassion, and connection.

  • Fear keeps us distant from courage where vulnerability gets us closer 
  • Sympathy keeps us distant from compassion where empathy gets us closer 
  • Shame keeps us distant from connection where vulnerability, empathy, power, and freedom get us closer.

“The Compass” analogy 

  • Values = North, West, South, East
  • Action = Points on the map 

Ten Questions to explore authenticity 

  1. What is my greatest strength?  What is my greatest weakness?
  2. What is my proudest achievement? What is my biggest failure?
  3. What am I worried about? (Think about a room where all your worries live…what is in there?)
  4. What do I believe in? What are my values?
  5. What am I interested in that I haven’t tried?
  6. How are my relationships?
  7. What do I like and dislike about my job?
  8. What does my inner critic tell me?
  9. Is your inner monologue more critical than not?
  10. I know when I am stressed when I  ____.

Think of a recent experience with a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker where you wanted to be authentic but weren’t. Imagine pausing at the height of this interaction and asking yourself the following questions:

  1. What am I afraid would happen if I shared my experience right now with this person?
  2. How will I feel if I don’t share what I’m thinking and feeling?
  3. If I weren’t afraid, what would I most want to say to this person right now?
  4. How can I share this with even more vulnerability?

Resources

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS

Podcasts

COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

Leave a comment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

Play

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS