In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the cubs take a ride on the struggle bus. Discussing conflict and conflict resolution, listen and learn along with the guys as they reveal the common pitfalls and potential solutions to this common problem.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. Today’s topic is New Relationship Energy. That euphoric feeling one gets from their glorious new relationship! However, there can be some challenges. From Limerence of monogamy to the NRE of Polyamory, the cubs break down the pros and cons of this addiction to love.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: New Relationship Energy
How many songs can you think of that frame romantic love to addiction?
Dorothy Tennov, psychologist, coined the term limerence in her 1979 book Love and Limerence to describe the phenomenon of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of beginning a relationship. We also call it having a crush. These feelings are categorized as being intrusive and everything seems to be about this person. We can’t listen to the radio because every song seems to be about them. Everything we see seems to remind us about them. They become the central force of gravity in your life. A black hole of attraction. We have all had it at some time or another….and sometimes it is even reciprocated.
New Relationship Energy (NRE)
Similar to limererance but for individuals in polyamorous relationships to describe and help manage the thoughts and feelings that arise during new relationship among already existing ones. This is helpful to frame especially when feelings of jealousy from other partners are present.
NRE is a hot topic in poly circles because it often comes up.
You know that song “Your Love is a Drug” by Kesha?
She wasn’t lying.
The same chemical reactions that occur neurologically during the limerence phase of a new relationship also occur during crack cocaine addiction. The relationship gives us the all of that feel good dopamine and norepinephrine, but also comes with obsessive thoughts when you are not with that other person…similar to withdrawal. That is because we are experiencing low serotonin production at these times, which satiates us and lets us know “mmmm…..I’m full.” Like Alexander Hamilton, we can never be satisfied in those early months.
Cons of NRE
Hyperfocus on new relationship, neglect other relationships and responsibilities
Increases likelihood of negatively evaluating other partner’s behaviors.
Sometimes questionable behavior that is uncharacteristic (e.g. moving, big purchases)
Overlooking red flags
Pros of NRE
Good feelings
High energy
Increased likelihood to try new things
Community wisdom (you are not alone…there are MANY others who have been there too)
What to do?
Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Floor
Its okay to be feel the good feelings….but be practical.
Don’t make big purchases: ( e.g. sign anything anything over $500 without consulting outside party)
Check In’s with friends and date nights with partners
USE THAT ENERGY IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS!!!
This, too, shall pass.
Research suggests 6 months to 2 years.
Old Relationship Energy (aka Established Relationship Energy, Existing Relationship Energy)
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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness
Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.
According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree. I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you. The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.
So what is forgiveness?
“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven. And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.
Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.
Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.
The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems. Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.
In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain. They want to let go. We don’t have to forgive in order to let go. While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey. That is called radical forgiveness. Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.
To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.
Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded. “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”
Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing. We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between. It is up to you. And that is powerful.
Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion. We are oftentimes our own worst enemy. We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.
Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions. And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. First, we’re sorry that Damon is away this week. But fear not because our guest helps us navigate what makes up an apology and handling criticism. Take a seat, put your feet up, and listen to unexpected family insights.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Apologies
What is an apology?
An apology is a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure.
Dr. Harriet Lerner
Author of 2017’s “Why Don’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”
“I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, but you need to grow a thicker skin.”
Focus on your actions and not the other person’s response
“I’m sorry you feel that way”
“I’m sorry if you took what I said as offensive.”
KISS: Keep it simple, stupid.
Correct your behavior.
Stay consistent
Intend to heal, not silence
Do no harm
Recognizing “I’m sorry” is just a part of it.
“If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood. Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.” – Harriet Lerner
Responding to Criticism
Recognize your defensiveness.
Breathe
Listen only to understand.
Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand.
Find something you can agree with.
Apologize for your part. Period.
Let the offended party know they have been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation.
Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings.
Take the initiative to bring the conversation up again.
Draw the line at insults
Don’t listen when you can listen well.
Define your differences.
Why don’t people apologize?
Family history
Personal view
Men don’t apologize, Women over-apologize
Perfectionism
Self-esteem
Shame and guilt
“When our identity and sense of worth are at risk of being diminished or annihilated, we will not be able to offer a true apology and face all that the challenge of earning back trust entails.”
“Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. “ – Matt Kahn
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this installment, the cubs share their thoughts on FWBs, otherwise known as friends with benefits. What are the building blocks of this type of relationship and how do you make it work? And, what exactly are the benefits?
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits
Is a friendship a relationship????
Thoughts?
Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships
A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.
In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
Why? Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school. Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying. Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.
FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.
You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB. Those take time, trust, shared history, etc.
Must be mutually beneficial and convenient
If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.
“It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
“Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the cubs take a ride on the struggle bus. Discussing conflict and conflict resolution, listen and learn along with the guys as they reveal the common pitfalls and potential solutions to this common problem.
