Tag Archives: anxiety

COL591: LTAS: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for another Let’s Talk About Sex. For this episode, the cubs “cum” together to discuss ejaculation and orgasms. The first thing to learn is that they are not the same thing. Listen in as Ed breaks it down from the scientific to the emotional and all that’s in between.

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

This topic is going to be super straight forward, y’all….

  • Orgasm refers to the subjective experience of pleasure associated with ejaculation. 
  • Ejaculation is the process of pushing the seminal fluids out of the verumontanum (“balloon”) inside the prostate through the urethra and out of the penis.  

Usually these are experienced at the same time, however they are two different physiological processes.  

Basically, ejaculation happens between your legs, and orgasm happens between your ears.  

Human Sexual Response Cycle (Kaplan, 1974; Masters & Johnson, 1966)

  • Desire 
  • Excitement (Arousal)
  • Plateau 
  • Orgasm/Ejaculation 
  • Satisfaction 

The Journey to Ejaculation 

  • Erection (brain, nervous system, vascular system leads to penile rigidity….this process is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system…think “Point”)
  • Emission
    • Collection and transport of fluids that make up semen in preparation for ejaculation.  Sperm travels from your testicles through the vas deferens, which meet at the prostate gland with the exiting your bladder to form your urethra tube.  The urethra tube runs through the prostate gland and out through the penis.  When we get an erection, the exit of the bladder closes (which it is why it is hard to pee in the morning when you have a hard on), your testicles are drawn up against your body, and semen collects in the verumontanum or the “balloon”, which is a balloonlike chamber inside the prostate gland. When someone gets so stimulated to the point of ejaculation, the verumontanum fills with semen to three times its size.  The pressure triggers the ejaculatory inevitability sensation and then the reflex of ejaculation.  Once we reach this point, there is no turning back, someone could walk in your room with gun’s ablazing, you are still going to shoot your load.  
  • Ejaculation 
    • Ejaculation does completely happen between your legs, your brain is involved too.  When a critical level of nerve input from the verumontanum reaches the spinal cord, that triggers the ejaculatory response.  The pelvic floor muscles play a role here too in contracting which helps in the pushing out of the semen.  (This process is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system….think: s for shoot) Pro-tip: if you want to delay ejaculation, learn some relaxation pelvic floor exercises to use during sex. 

What’s going on between our ears when we orgasm?

  • During sex, the logical part of our brain (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) shuts down.  This is the part of the brain that is responsible for reason, decision making, and value judgements.  Also, likely why we might not always make the best choices when we are having sex.  We are less likely to experience a decrease of fear and anxiety during this time.  
  • Oxytocin and vasopresin, the “cuddle hormones” are building up, and are released out of the hypothalamus at the point of orgasm with a rush of dopamine, the “the feel good hormone”.  
  • As we are revving up closer to orgasm, the mix of endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, help to make us less sensitive to pain during sex (note to all you kink-folks out there).  So, the same areas in our brain that process pleasure ALSO PROCESS PAIN THERE!  
  • After we orgasm, the body releases serotonin, the happy hormones, which can also stimulate a sense to take a nap.  

Questions: 

  • What are some common problems men face during sex?  
  • What are some other questions you guys want to ask me?

Final take-aways: Erection is not needed for orgasm; ejaculation is not required for orgasm; ejaculation and orgasm are not required for a positive sexual experience.

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COL578: What is. . .Gratitude?

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys present another “What is…” show. For this episode, the cubs explore the emotion known as gratitude. As Thanksgiving draws ever closer and the pandemic keeps us further apart, the guys reflect on what they are thankful for and what that means to themselves and the world as a whole.

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What is. . . Gratitude?

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COL569: LTAS: Bubbles/Pods

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex show. For this one, the guys discuss the concept of sex bubbles or sexpods, a safer sex practice of maintaining social/sexy time with a smaller group of people to help keep yourselves protected during the pandemic. Listen in as the guys tell more about “quaranteaming” and debate on its potential effectiveness. When thinking about it, is it really new or just necessary?

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Sex Bubbles/Pods 

  • Definition?
  • Safety?
  • Potential?
  • Interest?

How to Form a Pandemic Pod | Greater Good 

“quarantine pods” as an effective way to get our social, emotional, familial, and sexual needs met without unnecessarily endangering ourselves or others. Pods are small, self-contained networks of people who limit their non-distanced social interaction to one another—in other words, they’re the small group of people with whom you share air without using breath-control precautions such as masks.

Pods (or “bubbles” or “containers” or “quaranteams”) aren’t just ways for people to have social connections within a pandemic. They also serve an important epidemiological purpose—they help limit the size and spread of outbreaks. That’s one reason why in the Bay Area, where the authors live, public health officials recommend that pods be no larger than 12 people who live across three households, and that pods limit their non-distanced social contact to one another for at least three weeks.

Despite the centrality of sex to our lives, many of us are ashamed of having sexual needs. This is tragic, because we should be no more ashamed of needing sexual contact than we should be of needing food. So, be honest with yourself and others: If you want to form a pod to meet sexual needs, say so, rather than concealing or minimizing that purpose.

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COL555: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 4

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?

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The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy

Jealousy Quotes 

“Beware….of jealousy!  It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou 

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead 

Cognitive Triangle 

Emotions

  • Emotions are needed for survival 

Universally accepted expressions of feelings 

Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?

Complex Emotions 

examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy

  • Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components:  Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
  • Complex emotions  vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.

Jealousy

  • What is it?  Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear.  Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
  • DISCLAIMER:  This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships.  We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.  
  • Is it normal?  Absolutely.  Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy.  It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds.  While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.  
  • People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
  • Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.  
  • Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.  
  • Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers.  (Second Life study)

 

What Do We Do?

 

  • Work on yourself first….

 

      • What is your relationship with jealousy?  Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life?  How intense?  
      • What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?  
      • What evidence do we have?  What am I thinking about?  
      • Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious?  At whom or what?  
      • How am I experiencing this physically?  If I feel tense, can I relax? 
      • Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
      • Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
      • Communicate with your partner your feelings.  Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing.  Discuss boundaries.

 

  • If your partner is the one who is jealous….

 

    • Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
    • Don’t respond 
    • Reflect back what you are hearing
    • Practice empathy
    • Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.  

Addressing your Jealousy 

  • Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end 
    • Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment 
    • Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR) 
    • Positive affirmations
    • Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Compersion

  • Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.  
  • Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality.  Increase empathy.  Look through their eyes.
  • Constriction to expansion.
  • Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.  

Review:

  • Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
  • Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.  
  • Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
  • Communicate 
  • If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful. 

Resources 

Books:  

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COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

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