In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. This time the guys discuss trust. For this first part, the guys begin to break down the anatomy of trust. From the romantic to the familial, Ed leads the cubs through the initial tenets as they begin to break down what trust truly is.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Trust
What is trust?
“Trust is choosing to make something important to you vulnerable to the actions of someone else” – Charles Feldman
“Mistrust is what I shared with you that is important to me is not safe with you.” – Charles Feldman
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs present another chapter of our “What Is…” series. The guys are joined by COL Resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to unravel authenticity. As many folks had time on their hands in 2020 to be introspective, the idea of being authentic to themselves and what that means rang true. But, what does this mean and what steps can one take to find authenticity?
Show Topic
Our ‘What is…’ series – focusing on Authenticity. We survived 2020 which tried us in so many ways. Some took the opportunity to look inward and reflect on self-improvement.
Authenticity is a process, that involves progress and context
“The Good Place” – We can’t just forget our progress
Phones don’t allow us to do that….every video can be interpreted as a present moment in time
YouTube creators deleting content reduces authenticity similar to ripping up pages in a diary so you are only seeing “the good stuff”
Similar to “Burn” in Hamilton
Brené Brown is a social worker and researcher with the University of Houston’s Graduate School of Social Work. She has spent the past two decades studying courage, shame, empathy, and vulnerability.
Basically, in order for us to practice authenticity, we need courage, compassion, and connection.
Fear keeps us distant from courage where vulnerability gets us closer
Sympathy keeps us distant from compassion where empathy gets us closer
Shame keeps us distant from connection where vulnerability, empathy, power, and freedom get us closer.
“The Compass” analogy
Values = North, West, South, East
Action = Points on the map
Ten Questions to explore authenticity
What is my greatest strength? What is my greatest weakness?
What is my proudest achievement? What is my biggest failure?
What am I worried about? (Think about a room where all your worries live…what is in there?)
What do I believe in? What are my values?
What am I interested in that I haven’t tried?
How are my relationships?
What do I like and dislike about my job?
What does my inner critic tell me?
Is your inner monologue more critical than not?
I know when I am stressed when I ____.
Think of a recent experience with a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker where you wanted to be authentic but weren’t. Imagine pausing at the height of this interaction and asking yourself the following questions:
What am I afraid would happen if I shared my experience right now with this person?
How will I feel if I don’t share what I’m thinking and feeling?
If I weren’t afraid, what would I most want to say to this person right now?
How can I share this with even more vulnerability?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by guest Michael Q to discuss recent changes to the donation of blood. With COVID-19 affecting almost all avenues of life, the FDA removed its previous limitations; shortening the amount of time men who have sex with men are eligible to give blood. Listen as the cubs discuss and share their opinions on these restrictions and what it means for the gay male community.
Show Topic
The Blood Ban – the US FDA made news on April 2nd when updating their policy to allow MSM to donate blood if they have not been with another male for 3 months vs the previous 12 month limitation.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Communication
DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital in all relationships….not just open relationships. Duh.
Cognitive Triangle
Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)
Communication Traps
Assumptions/Expectations
“Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. This time the guys discuss trust. For this first part, the guys begin to break down the anatomy of trust. From the romantic to the familial, Ed leads the cubs through the initial tenets as they begin to break down what trust truly is.
