Tag Archives: spectrum

Podcasts

COL580: LTAS: Sides

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Let’s Talk About Sex!  The guys are joined by resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss “sides”. You know of tops, bottoms, and versatiles; but do you know about sides? Listen in as the cubs define this role in the MSM community and what it means in the sexual spectrum.

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Sides 

  • Definition?

Joe Kort developed the term in 2013 after not engaging in anal intercourse and feeling frustrated answering the “top or bottom” question.  “Can I be a side?”

A side is typically a man who has sex with another man (MSM) who does not engage in anal intercourse or penetration as it is not part of their erotic orientation.  Erotic orientation reflects your sexual fantasies, desires, and sexual behaviors.  

Self-labels (labels used to describe anal sex behaviors….or does it):

  • Top 
  • Bottom 
  • Versatile 
    • What if you don’t fit into any of those groups?  shame…guilt….FOMO…et al. 
  • Sides 

Articles:

Videos: Barry Birkholz

Book: Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment 

Podcast: Smart Sex, Smart Love: Episode 50 Side Guys

  • Awareness?
    • Side Guys Facebook Group  (currently 323 members)
    • Many different presentations of sides 
    • Sex is not just penetration 
    • Navigating conversations about being a “side” 
    • Inclusive language verse exclusive language 
  • Acceptance?

Backlash from gay community…

  • Interest?
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Podcasts

COL561: LTAS: Asking and Receiving

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex! For this episode, the guys are joined again by COL Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the concept of asking and receiving. As we explore romantic relationships, the cubs review negotiations, consent, and getting your needs met and fulfilled. Also sandwiches, pizzas, and tea and what they mean in the grand scheme of things (Don’t worry Gary, there’s no food play involved).

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Let’s Talk About Sex – Asking and Receiving

  • Why is it so hard to ask for something during sex?
  • Are you being rude if you don’t show appreciation for the other participant during sex?
  • What do you do if you wanted a blow job but they aren’t doing that thing that you really like when you are getting a blowjob?  You know that thing…

The Good Touch Games….Drenched Fur….Gabe and Edward

Consent 

  • “An agreement between two parties who are about to engage in sexual activity”-RAINN
  • Consent is just as much about no as it is about yes.  
  • Consent is about both parties getting what they want
  • Consent Tea Video 

Asking 

    • Asking leads to intimacy

Receiving 

  • Periodic Checking in (Verbal and non-verbal)
  • How to receive (Compliment Sandwich)
  • Show appreciation 
  • Room for improvement 
  • Show appreciation again
  • Repeat till orgasm (if that is what you want on your pizza)

NPR Safe Sex Communication Skills and COVID-19 Social Bubbles

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Podcasts

COL540: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 2

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. For this second part, the guys delve into boundaries and rules. With Edward’s help, the cubs discuss the similarities and differences between these two terms, how they relate to each person and those involved in the relationship, and also discord on the potential minefield of expectations. How do we set our boundaries? Are expectations a good or a bad thing? What’s on your relationship checklist? The guys hash out these questions and more.

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The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules

Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)

  • debated topic within relationship communities 
  • Is this a rule or a boundary?
    • Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
    • Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control 
  • Pros and Cons of Rules 
    • Pros:
      • Contracts 
      • Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
      • Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
      • Spoken
    • Cons:
      • Can be Controlling
      • Can be rigid and unhealthy
      • Can be Set up to be broken 
      • Unspoken
  • Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows 
  • Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

Kinds of Personal Boundaries 

  • Emotional 
    • Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
  • Physical
    • Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
  • Time
    • Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
  • Sexual
    • Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
  • Intellectual 
    • Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about 
  • Material 
    • Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc

Open-Relationship Checklist 

  • Fill this out separately for you, not your partner 
    • Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap

Review:

  • Communication 
  • Boundaries are like skin 
  • You Don’t Have to Be In an Open Relationship to Discuss Boundaries!!!!!

Books:

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COL518: Favorite Fantasies

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys discuss some of their favorite fantasies. From locker rooms to truck stops and campgrounds to blindfolds, the cubs delve into their memories to pull out some fantastic moments and also try to understand where their fantasies come from. Can the fantasy become reality or is it best to keep it unattainable?

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The guys discuss their favorite fantasies; be they since puberty or last week.

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COL473: More Fats, More Femmes

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys talk about the diversity of the bear community. In its over 30 years of existence, the guys give their opinions how much or how little it has changed in terms of inclusion, diversity, body positivity and more. Is this a trend heading towards inclusivity or a sign of the end of bear times?

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What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Insomnia and the Pokèmon addiction
  • Damon: Coworker Fun/Board Retreat
  • Gary: Rebalancing

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Gaith Shablow
  • Marco Gomez John Slater

YouTube Comment:

  • Re: COL472: Giving/Taking… Compliments
    • Woofy – I have a habit of when I get a compliment I have a compulsive need to throw one back, even if I’m not interested. Something I need to work on, to just accept the compliment with a thanks.

Social Media Comment:

  • To Jeff: RE: COL472: bostonareabear on Bear411: “Are you gonna talk or are you gonna gloss your lips?” Funniest line of the last COL podcast.
  • To Damon: RE: COL471: Gonzo Gonzales “I just heard your podcast on body positivity and wanna thank you for thinking of me. I was in tears. Love you so much.”

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More Fats, More Femmes – we like to see diversity, but …

    • Where is the diversity in the Bear Community?
    • How much have things changed in nearly 30 years?
    • Are we satisfied with what is represented today?
    • Is Tumblr the new bear porn for showing the reality of bodies and sex?

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

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