intellectual | Cubs Out Loud – The Bear Podcast of Indeterminate Length

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process. These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable. People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond. Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

Dating culture

Premarital sex

Monogamy

Dominance and submission

Heteronormative

What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

Flirting/sexual negotiation

Consent/sexual assault

Top/Bottom

What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

Turn ons

Fantasy

Kinks and fetishes

Pleasure

Sexual Desire

What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

Rejection

Non-monogamy/Poly

Ace/Aro

Relationship anarchy

Sides

Sexual dysfunctions

Mental health/Trauma

What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv?

Yes, and….

Boundaries

Acknowledge

Allow

Accommodate

Appreciate and….

Communicate! (especially your boundaries)

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. For this second part, the guys delve into boundaries and rules. With Edward’s help, the cubs discuss the similarities and differences between these two terms, how they relate to each person and those involved in the relationship, and also discord on the potential minefield of expectations. How do we set our boundaries? Are expectations a good or a bad thing? What’s on your relationship checklist? The guys hash out these questions and more.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules

Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)

debated topic within relationship communities
Is this a rule or a boundary?
- Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
- Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control
Pros and Cons of Rules
- Pros:
  - Contracts
  - Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
  - Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
  - Spoken
- Cons:
  - Can be Controlling
  - Can be rigid and unhealthy
  - Can be Set up to be broken
  - Unspoken
Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows
Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

Kinds of Personal Boundaries

Emotional
- Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
Physical
- Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
Time
- Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
Sexual
- Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
Intellectual
- Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about
Material
- Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc

Open-Relationship Checklist

Fill this out separately for you, not your partner
- Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap

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