In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts
What are sexual scripts?
In 1986, researchers William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process. These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable. People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond. Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:
Examples of cultural sexual scripts:
Dating culture
Premarital sex
Monogamy
Dominance and submission
Heteronormative
What else?
Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:
Flirting/sexual negotiation
Consent/sexual assault
Top/Bottom
What else?
Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:
Turn ons
Fantasy
Kinks and fetishes
Pleasure
Sexual Desire
What else?
Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)
In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.
What happens when we go off script or improvising?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss sexual desire. While not a usual LoR topic, it can be part of the conversation. Listen as Ed speaks on the complicated definition of sexual desire, where it comes from, and what impacts it in our day-to-day lives.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Desire
First, sexual desire is complicated.
Is it an emotion? Yes
Is it a motivation? Yes
Is it a state of being? Yes
Is it required to have sex? Not necessarily
Sexual desire is the interest (or lack of interest) toward engaging in sexual activity. This presents itself with thoughts, feelings, and fantasies. Some people look at sexual desire existing on a spectrum from disgust to neutral to excited.
One way I have heard sexual desire described is akin to hunger. And I like this analogy for a few reasons that we will discuss.
Let’s go back to the idea of a smorgasbord….let’s imagine that there is not a Golden Corral that can hold the variety of sexual desire (Rule 34 of the Internet). So when we talk about sexual desire, the limit does not seem to exist.
What impacts sexual desire?
Biology/Evolution
Age can be a factor, Propagation of the species (sex as a reward); amygdala (emotional center) and hypothalamus (responsible for sexual arousal) Men’s desire is more based on visual cues when compared to women, cued interest “we don’t know why we desire something” v. uncued interest “has an origin story”; the “absolute territory” (Japanese zettai ryouiki), the band of skin between the bottom of the end of the skirt and the top of the socks. Disclaimer: this is based on statistics and not all human behavior can be reduced to statistics. If this isn’t your experience, it does not mean you are not valid.
Anxiety, Unhelpful body/sexual narratives, other sexual disorders
Social
Cultural sexual narratives and scripts
“For most of Western Civilization low sexual desire has been a goal, not a problem.” – David Schnarch
In a sex negative world, no wonder people are so confused about their sexual desires or lack thereof. Remember the sexual smorgasbord idea? If dominating cultural narratives created the smorgasbord, then there would only be a few options for a few people….the rest would be closed.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]
How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”? This is WAY more common than you think it is. Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form.
John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings.
We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.
Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.
“Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers
Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.
Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment
Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship
Blames sense for rejection
Reassurance of their own worth and love.
Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment
Independent, social, high self-esteem
Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy
Feel they do not need emotional intimacy
Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment
Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt
Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Traits of a Secure Relationship
Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship
Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship
Able to bond and trust others
For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)
Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment
Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al., lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.
Bear community
Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment
BUT…..this is a two-step process.
Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.
Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.
Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves
Self-awareness and accountability
If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do.. What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself? What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken. This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.
Communicate
Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly.
Two-way street. Listening is part of the process too.
Practice intimacy
David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.” This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
It’s okay to be mysterious. Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.
Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.
Practice independence
Accept that you will struggle with this.
Ask questions.
Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support. “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
Google is your friend.
CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
Find secure people
Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. The cubs are once again joined by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for this insightful look into one-sided parasocial interactions. From celebrities to social media influencers, learn how these types of relationships are formed without the others’ knowledge and also the positive and negative impacts they can have on the person creating it. Please like, comment and subscribe to learn more.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Parasocial Interactions
Parasocial relationships are one-sided relationships where one person invests lots of time, energy, interest, and sometimes money where the other person is completely unaware of the other person’s existence. Parasocial relationships are most common with celebrities, organizations, television stars, and social media. These relationships are created through parasocial interactions (PSI) through mediated encounters with performers through mass media.
Social media offers an added layer of interaction for these relationships to intensify through likes, comments, and direct messaging.
Alief – def. knowing something isn’t real but feeling like it is
Positive Outcomes of Parasocial Relationships
*Identity Formation
performers can offer autonomy in relationships where they can receive total acceptance outside of parents/family.
provide a secure relationship without the fear of rejection.
feeling a part of a group
empathy
*Learning
Bandura’s Social Learning Theory says that social behavior is learning and imitating the behaviors of others.
Shows like Mr. Rogers Neighborhood, Sesame Street, Dora the Explorer, Blue’s Clues, and more recently Bluey all offer kids opportunities to learn through identification with these characters.
Negative Outcomes of Parasocial Relationships
*Body Image
research has indicated a negative relationship between parasocial relationships and body image, as well as self-comparison, social comparison with characters increases negative body image
interestingly among men, having a PSR with a superhero is likely to protect body image, where not having a PSR with a superhero is likely to hurt body image
the usage of filters in social media (like airbrushing in print media) has greatly increased, giving a false reality of performers.
*Aggression
more aggressive viewers were more likely to identify with aggressive characters and create PSR with them.
*General
anxiety media views are more likely to be more invested in parasocial relationships
parasocial relationships are one-sided and different traditional friendships
the whole hegemonic masculinity thing
parasocial breakups and grief “what happens when they ‘betray’ you or they die?” Research indicated this follows the patterns of a relationship breakup
can create bias in reality
Topics of PSR
Taylor Swift “Swifties”, Lizzo “Lizzbeans”
Twitter/Only Fans
Reality TV Stars
Vloggers/Podcast hosts
Fictional Characters
Tiktok
Politicians
Be mindful of the media you are consuming and how that translates into your other relationships and the real world.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs celebrate the show’s 15th anniversary! Many years ago, our producer, Jeff, got the itch to create a podcast and invited his friends to join him. Fifteen years, two generations of hosts, several guests and 100s of episodes later, COL is still going strong. Listen as the guys reminisce about the past and ponder the future.
Show Topic
15 Years and Counting
Many moons ago, a cub had an idea to get some people together and record their thoughts on dang near everything and anything. They called it Cubs Out Loud. Since then, 678 sequential episodes have been produced, two generations of hosts, thousands of hours for listening/watching guys yammering, and over 450 videos on YouTube. It’s been a wild ride for a decade and half. What comes next? Hell if we know!
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!
