In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

• Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
• Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
• Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

• Assumptions/Expectations
  • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
  • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
  • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
  • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
  • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
• Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
• Extreme Language 
• Lacking Empathy 
• Arguing Perspective 
• Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

• “I’m sorry…”
• People pleaser 

Aggressive

• Phi Phi O’Hara 
• “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

• “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

• Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

• This is the goal
• Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

• Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
• Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
  • Observations
  • Feelings
  • Needs/Values/Desires
  • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

• Reading and Shade 
• This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
• Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

• People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
• Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
• Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

• Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
  • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
• Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
• Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
  • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
• If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
• Emotional liberation 
  • Emotional slavery 
  • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
  • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

• All about the framing 
• DO use the word do (and be specific)
• Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
• In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
• Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
• Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
• Requests….not demands.  
• Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
• Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

• Empathy is not sympathy 
• Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
• Hearing vs Listening 
• Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
• The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

• BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
• Check assumptions of others
  • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
  • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
• State observations without judgments
• Identify feelings not thoughts 
• Identify your needs
• Make requests not demands 

Resources 

• The 36 Questions that Lead to Love
• Feelings/Need Inventories

Books:  

• Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
• Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B Rosenberg, PhD
• Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
• Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson

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