In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws
Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult. That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws. Is that the case with same-sex relationships?
Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
BOUNDARIES!!!!!
Know your values
Stay true to you.
Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.
Keep those conflict skills in check.
LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian. Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.
Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
Relationships usually improved with time
While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.
Be the subject of your life, not the object.
You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon find out which queens are lucky! As the top 4 head into the final lap, they are given a classic Drag Race challenge. Which queens dance, rap, sing and give us drag excellence to make into the finale?
In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon change the channel as all 13 queens come together to spread some holiday cheer. As the Winner’s Circle and the Pork Chop Queens clash, which ones keep the audience applauding and which queens have them reaching for the remote. Listen in as the guys share their trains of thought on the first elimination of the season.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys bring you another Let’s Talk About Sex. This time, the cubs get “holier-than-thou” on gloryholes. In this time of pandemic, recent health organizations are promoting gloryholes as a potential safe means of sexual contact and lessening the risk of passing on the coronavirus. Listen in as the cubs dissect the potential of this safer sex habit and share some of their personal feelings on the usage of gloryholes. Is anonymous sex through a wall what gets them going?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?
