Tag Archives: trauma

COL717: LoR: Healing Our Queer Inner Child

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss the psychological concept of the inner child. Initiating from a conversation about Bluey (who knew?), the idea of finding connections to your inner child to heal from the potential harm caused by trauma comes to the forefront in this installment. Listen in as Ed leads the guys on ways to cope with and celebrate with their inner child to bring about healing and growth.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Healing Our Queer Inner Child

Our Inner Child is a self-state part of us that is still experiencing and processing emotions, thoughts, and memories from that time but also is playful, spontaneous, and creative. Erik Erikson’s stages of development suggests that we have MULTIPLE inner children/adolescent/emerging adults within us.  

Inner Child is a common topic in therapy 

  • Writing letters to your childhood self
  • Engaging in playful, creative, and spontaneous behaviors 
  • Mindfulness or meditation 

Current topic re: Inner Child “Bluey”

Queer Authenticity 

“Queer people don’t grow up as themselves, we grow up playing  a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice.  The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves that are truly us and which parts we created to protect us.” -Alexander Leon

How can we heal our queer inner child?

  • First, talk to a therapist
  • Start asking yourself what you needed growing up and do that
  • Edward’s Disney adventure
  • Music
  • Concerts
  • Playing games
  • Watching cartoons
  • ….get creative!
Play

COL692: LoR: Sexual Scripts

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers  William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process.  These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable.  People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond.  Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

  • Dating culture 
  • Premarital sex 
  • Monogamy 
  • Dominance and submission
  • Heteronormative 
  • What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

  • Flirting/sexual negotiation
  • Consent/sexual assault 
  • Top/Bottom
  • What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

  • Turn ons
  • Fantasy
  • Kinks and fetishes
  • Pleasure
  • Sexual Desire 
  • What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

  • Rejection
  • Non-monogamy/Poly
  • Ace/Aro
  • Relationship anarchy 
  • Sides 
  • Sexual dysfunctions
  • Mental health/Trauma 
  • What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv? 

  • Yes, and….
  • Boundaries 
  • Acknowledge
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate and….
  • Communicate!  (especially your boundaries)

 

Play

COL622: LTAS: Horror Stories

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another installment of Let’s Talk About Sex. This time around, the cubs (sans Jeff) get into the spooky season with some sex horror stories. From bathrooms to bathhouses, the guys share their bad hookups while also giving advice on safer consensual practices to hopefully soften the blow of your next sex slip up.

Show Topic

Lets Talk About Sex: Horror Stories

Play

COLDR: AS6E05: Pink Table Talk

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon have a seat as the All Stars give us daytime talk show realness! With frank discussions and clashing charms, listen in as the guys get editorial on the queens’ roundtables and fashion.

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race All Stars Season 

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

Overall Thoughts: Pink Table Talk

  • [Damon] – RuPaul: Exposing Queens’ Personal Traumas for Fun & Profit
  • [Gary] – Rather impressive

Cruise the Runway:

Category/Theme: Clash of the Patterns

  • [Damon] – Many Great Choices
  • [Gary] – Some Real Beauties

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Ginger’s Last Line…
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Honesty and Heart
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Stankface / Really, Ru?
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Acting While Not Vulnerable
Play

COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

Play