Tag Archives: criticism

COL585: ATNS: LGBTQ Being Messy

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another All T, No Shade show. This time, the cubs spill the tea on some of the messes in recent weeks among the LGBTQ+ community. From partying during a pandemic to thirsting after terrorists, the guys spare no amount of shade and give their honest opinions about their feelings on this misbehavior.

Show Topic

From circuit parties, secret orgies, to Puerto Vallarta New Years fallout. What do we think of the ‘misbehavior’ by members of our very own community? How much criticism is fair? Can we do better? 

History teaches us. One example is the ‘First they came…’ poem from the Holocaust.

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COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

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COL517: What is…Self-Hatred?

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys present their next installment of the “What is…” series. After COL508, where the cubs talked about self-love, this time they’re talking about the opposite: self-hatred.  What does self-hate involve? Can you truly love yourself and still knock other people down?

Show Topic

What is…Self-Hatred?

  • Discussion of what ‘Self-Hatred’ encompasses. Does the LGB community truly hate itself? Are our own micro aggressions ways of inflicting self-hatred? Can we talk about ‘love’ and still beat ourselves and others down? And what if you just don’t care? Is that self-hatred?

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COLDR: S11E06-08: Draglympics, Farm to Runway, and Snatch Game at Sea

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’,  Gary and Damon catch up after forces beyond their control kept them from spilling the tea the past few weeks. Anyway, they are back and are smashing together 3 episodes in one SUPA SIZED SPECTACULAR! To bring it all to the present, the guys share their thoughts on the Draglympics athletic challenge and golden runway, the design challenge that’s farm to runway, and finalize with this season’s version of the Snatch Game. All this, plus the drama really builds up in Untucked as the queens are feeling the pressure.

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 11

Episode 6 – Draglympics

Mini Challenge:

  • [Damon] – LOVED THIS!
  • [Gary] – Silly But Fun

Maxi Challenge:

  • [Damon] – Could Have Done More
  • [Gary] – Too Much Fear

Stomp the Runway:

  • [Damon] – Angel Plastique/Norma Brooke Lyn
  • [Gary] – A’keria SLAYED

Let It All Hang Out Hunty:

  • [Damon] – Tough Love
  • [Gary] – The Giving of Gifts [aka criticism]

Lip Sync for Your Life:

  • [Damon] – I’m “Shocked”….
  • [Gary] – Lacking Drama and Excitement

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Yvie Pushing Through
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Ra’Jah delusions
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Non-Ru Guest Love Connie!
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Vanjie, Vanjie, Vanjie

Episode 7 – From Farm to Runway

Mini Challenge:

  • [Damon] –  Ummmmm…..
  • [Gary] – WTH is this bafoonery?

Maxi Challenge:

  • [Damon] – Hoedown Seemed Forced/Runway was uneven
  • [Gary] – I dunno…welcome to the potluck episode?

Stomp the Runway:

  • [Damon] – Good Job Yvie/Brooke/Plastique
  • [Gary] – Challenging…But Mostly Underwhelming

Let It All Hang Out Hunty:

  • [Damon] – Drama HITS THE FAN
  • [Gary] – Drama…who cares? Not me.

Lip Sync for Your Life:

  • [Damon] –  I knew who was going home…
  • [Gary] – It was….okay?

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Yvie showing glamour
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Ra’Jah Delusions….
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Alyssa Edwards Notes!
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Vanjie, Vanjie, Vanjie

Episode 8 – Snatch Game At Sea

Mini Challenge:

  • [Damon] –  Nina Made Me Laugh
  • [Gary] – Not That Easy, Now is it Vanessie?

Maxi Challenge:

  • [Damon] – You Know What I’m Going to Say….
  • [Gary] – Belly Flops and Swan Dives

Stomp the Runway:

  • [Damon] – Someone was Robbed
  • [Gary] – Shuga Serving Eggplant

Let It All Hang Out Hunty:

  • [Damon] – First Untucked in a while I’ve liked
  • [Gary] – Nerves On Display

Lip Sync for Your Life:

  • [Damon] – GOTDAMN!!
  • [Gary] – FINALLY!

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Brookie’s Runway/LSFYL
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Silky’s Face…
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Nina’s Runway
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Shuga’s Non-Win…WTF!

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COLDR: S10E03: Tap That App

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, the guys swipe left as they take on the social network of drag. Who gets plucky in the feather runway and whose goose is cooked? Find this out and listen in as the cubs realize that drag queens are real people too.

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WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10

Mini/Maxi:

  • [Chester] – Get your head in the game
  • [Damon] – They could have done more
  • [Gary] – WTF? / No One Molted Their Looks?

Snatched:

  • [Chester] – Laganja 2.0
  • [Damon] – Leave her alone
  • [Gary] – Social World Commentary

Snaps / Eyerolls:

  • [Chester] – Snaps for… Mayhem’s self realization
  • [Chester] – Eyerolls for… Ru’s workroom editing.
  • [Damon] – Snaps for…Team Blair/Kameron’s runway look
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Yuhua’s excuses
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Jaw Dropping Runway Looks
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Are You High Clairee?

Last Call:

  • [Chester] – Lead pack forming
  • [Damon] – The Social T
  • [Gary] – Drag Queens are Real People Too

COLDR Merch in the COL Zazzle Store

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