In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss the psychological concept of the inner child. Initiating from a conversation about Bluey (who knew?), the idea of finding connections to your inner child to heal from the potential harm caused by trauma comes to the forefront in this installment. Listen in as Ed leads the guys on ways to cope with and celebrate with their inner child to bring about healing and growth.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Healing Our Queer Inner Child
Our Inner Child is a self-state part of us that is still experiencing and processing emotions, thoughts, and memories from that time but also is playful, spontaneous, and creative. Erik Erikson’s stages of development suggests that we have MULTIPLE inner children/adolescent/emerging adults within us.
Inner Child is a common topic in therapy
Writing letters to your childhood self
Engaging in playful, creative, and spontaneous behaviors
Mindfulness or meditation
Current topic re: Inner Child “Bluey”
Queer Authenticity
“Queer people don’t grow up as themselves, we grow up playing a version of ourselves that sacrifices authenticity to minimize humiliation and prejudice. The massive task of our adult lives is to unpick which parts of ourselves that are truly us and which parts we created to protect us.” -Alexander Leon
How can we heal our queer inner child?
First, talk to a therapist
Start asking yourself what you needed growing up and do that
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]
How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”? This is WAY more common than you think it is. Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form.
John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings.
We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.
Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.
“Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers
Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.
Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment
Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship
Blames sense for rejection
Reassurance of their own worth and love.
Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment
Independent, social, high self-esteem
Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy
Feel they do not need emotional intimacy
Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment
Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt
Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Traits of a Secure Relationship
Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship
Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship
Able to bond and trust others
For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)
Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment
Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al., lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.
Bear community
Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment
BUT…..this is a two-step process.
Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.
Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.
Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves
Self-awareness and accountability
If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do.. What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself? What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken. This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.
Communicate
Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly.
Two-way street. Listening is part of the process too.
Practice intimacy
David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.” This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
It’s okay to be mysterious. Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.
Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.
Practice independence
Accept that you will struggle with this.
Ask questions.
Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support. “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
Google is your friend.
CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
Find secure people
Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs turn on the TV and get into a discussion about bears in the media today. The guys ponder the question about bear representation in films, TV and more and how it has changed over the years. Are there still stigmas about hirsute chubby men or have we become “mainstream”? Tune in as the cubs share their feelings on the subject while waxing nostalgia about bearish actors of yore.
Show Topic
Bears in Entertainment Media Today
Given the changes in the media landscape over the past decades, is there any bear representation today? Do we continue to see fatphobia in the entertainment media, especially when it comes to men regardless of their self-identified sexual orientation? Has the bear community peaked in the media as the broader LGBTQ+ family continues integrating into the broader world society?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss QPRs or Queer Platonic Relationships. QPRs are intimate relationships that are neither romantic nor sexual in nature. Listen in as Ed builds up the fundamentals of this different relationship dynamic and its origins and brings it up to date for modern audiences.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Queer Platonic Relationships
Landscape of Relationships returns. Queer platonic relationships are our focus this month when it comes to relationships. QPRs are committed intimate relationships which are neither romantic nor sexual in nature and that differ from close friendship by having the same structure and status as a romantic relationship. The concept originates in aromantic and asexual spaces in the LGBT community. The term has begun to also be used in polyamorous communities to help describe the complex relationships. The term “queers” social norms for defining relationships, it isn’t a friendship nor is it a romantic relationship.
Asexual (Ace)
“Sexual orientation where a person experiences little to no sexual attraction to anyone and/or does not experience desire for sexual contact” (aceandaros.com, 2021)
Aromantic (Aro)
“Romantic orientation, which describes people whose experience of romance is disconnected from normative societal expectations, commonly due to experiencing little to no romantic attraction, but also due to feeling repulsed by romance, or being uninterested in romantic relationships.” (AUREA FAQ on Aromanticism.org, 2021).
Allosexual
“Describes people who are not on the asexual spectrum. They can have any romantic orientation, including aromantic” (TAAAP.org, 2021).
Alloromantic
“Described people who are not on the aromantic spectrum. They have any sexual orientation, including asexual” (TAAAP.org, 2001).
Historically speaking , QPR has been described as an “ancient practice made new again”.
Boston Marriages – A Boston marriage was one in which two independent women chose to build a life and a household together, rather than marrying.
Romantic Friendships – Close but often times non-sexual relationship. Used primarily in historical contexts (e.g. Alexander Hamilton and John Laurens; Abraham Lincoln and Joshua Speed).
Zucchini
Term of endearment used to describe a queerplatonic partner.
Also, “squish” has been used to describe a non-romantic crush.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another All T, No Shade show. For this episode, the guys debate regarding the recent news regarding Disney and its original silence then missteps regarding the “Don’t Say Gay” Bill in Florida, due to be signed into law in July 2022. As a beloved international corporation, what happens when it steps into a pile of political crap? Can and should the LGBTQ+ community continue to support their business when they once again reveal they are not as supportive back? Can the House of Mouse fix their LGBTQ+ problem? The cubs share their thoughts and opinions on this and more in this heated discussion.
Show Topic
ATNS: The Disney Conundrum
The challenge of when an international corporation with multiple loved IPs steps into a pile of political crap. Can the House of Mouse fix their LGBTQ+ problem? Can we support the land where dreams come true when villains threaten to destroy the world we live actually in?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss the psychological concept of the inner child. Initiating from a conversation about Bluey (who knew?), the idea of finding connections to your inner child to heal from the potential harm caused by trauma comes to the forefront in this installment. Listen in as Ed leads the guys on ways to cope with and celebrate with their inner child to bring about healing and growth.
