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The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
- Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
- Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
- Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
- What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
- DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
- Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
- People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
- Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
- Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
- Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
- Work on yourself first….
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- What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
- What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
- What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
- Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
- How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
- Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
- Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
- Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
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- If your partner is the one who is jealous….
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- Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
- Don’t respond
- Reflect back what you are hearing
- Practice empathy
- Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
- Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
- Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
- Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
- Positive affirmations
- Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
- Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
- Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
- Constriction to expansion.
- Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
- Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
- Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
- Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
- Communicate
- If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
Resources
- Listening to Jealousy
- What is Jealousy?
- Basic and Complex Emotions
- Jealousy Hurts Love, or does it?
- Jealousy in a Polyamorous Relationship
Books:
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