Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Communication
DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital in all relationships….not just open relationships. Duh.
Cognitive Triangle
- Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
- Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
- Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)
Communication Traps
- Assumptions/Expectations
- “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda
- Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.
- Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors
- Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
- NEWS FLASH: We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.
- Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
- Extreme Language
- Lacking Empathy
- Arguing Perspective
- Keeping Score
Communication Styles
Passive/Submissive
- “I’m sorry…”
- People pleaser
Aggressive
- Phi Phi O’Hara
- “Your tone is very pointed right now.”
Passive-Aggressive
- “I’m fine!”
Manipulative
- Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara
Assertive Communication
- This is the goal
- Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt
Violent versus Non-Violent
- Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
- Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
- Observations
- Feelings
- Needs/Values/Desires
- Requests/Ask
Observing without Evaluation/Judgement
- Reading and Shade
- This shit is hard, yo! (….which is an evaluation)
- Specificity is key. Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations
Identifying and expressive feelings
- People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!! (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
- Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
- Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)
Taking Responsibility for our Feelings
- Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
- Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it”
- Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs
- Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)
- “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
- If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met.
- Emotional liberation
- Emotional slavery
- The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings”
- Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)
The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests
- All about the framing
- DO use the word do (and be specific)
- Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
- In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.
- Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.
- Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.
- Requests….not demands.
- Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect
- Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)
Empathy
- Empathy is not sympathy
- Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts
- Hearing vs Listening
- Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
- The library is officially closed. No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself
Review:
- BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC. B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
- Check assumptions of others
- Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
- Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
- State observations without judgments
- Identify feelings not thoughts
- Identify your needs
- Make requests not demands
Resources
Books:
- Opening Up: A Guide to Creating and Sustaining Open Relationships by Tristan Taormino
- Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall B Rosenberg, PhD
- Living Nonviolent Communication: Practical Tools to Connect and Communicate Skillfully in Every Situation by Marshall Rosenberg, PhD
- Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Dr. Sue Johnson
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