Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules
Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)
- debated topic within relationship communities
- Is this a rule or a boundary?
- Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
- Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control
- Pros and Cons of Rules
- Pros:
- Contracts
- Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
- Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
- Spoken
- Cons:
- Can be Controlling
- Can be rigid and unhealthy
- Can be Set up to be broken
- Unspoken
- Pros:
- Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows
- Expectations are resentments waiting to happen
Kinds of Personal Boundaries
- Emotional
- Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
- Physical
- Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
- Time
- Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
- Sexual
- Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
- Intellectual
- Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about
- Material
- Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc
- Fill this out separately for you, not your partner
- Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap
Review:
- Communication
- Boundaries are like skin
- You Don’t Have to Be In an Open Relationship to Discuss Boundaries!!!!!
Books:
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