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Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits
Is a friendship a relationship????
- Thoughts?
- Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
- LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
- Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships
A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships. Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.
- Making contact / Flirting
- Initiation
- Claiming and defining
- Establishment
- Commitment
- Merging
- Conclusion
- Legacy
What does the science say about FWB relationships?
- In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
- Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
- They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
- Why? Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school. Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying. Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.
How to make a “friendship with benefits” work.
- FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.
- You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB. Those take time, trust, shared history, etc.
- Must be mutually beneficial and convenient
- If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.
- “It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
- “Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”
Tips for Having a FWB relationship that isn’t a mess
- Make sure you can handle the emotional complexities
- Define “friend” and “benefit” and make sure the other person is on the same page
- Don’t start an FWB with someone who wants something more
- Transparency with each other’s sexual history
- FWB’s and Fuck Buddies are two different things
- FWB relationships are about respect and boundaries
- Prioritize the friendship over the benefits
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