COL604: Landscape of Relationships: Apologies

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. First, we’re sorry that Damon is away this week. But fear not because our guest helps us navigate what makes up an apology and handling criticism. Take a seat, put your feet up, and listen to unexpected family insights.

https://dts.podtrac.com/redirect.mp3/archive.org/download/col-604/COL604.mp3?_=1

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Apologies

What is an apology?

• An apology is a regretful acknowledgement of an offense or failure.

Dr. Harriet Lerner 

• Author of 2017’s “Why Don’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Everyday Hurts”
  • Dr. Lermer’s TED Talk 

• • “When we don’t get an apology that we deserve, it can crack the foundation of a relationship.”
  • Regardless of the situation, the rules of apology are the same.

Process of An Apology 

1. Say your sorry 
2. Acknowledge the damage caused 
3. Resist the temptation to say “but”
4. Take responsibility for your actions 

Ingredients of an Apology

• Don’t say “but”
  • “I’m sorry that I hurt your feelings, but you need to grow a thicker skin.”
• Focus on your actions and not the other person’s response
  • “I’m sorry you feel that way”
  • “I’m sorry if you took what I said as offensive.”
• KISS: Keep it simple, stupid.
• Correct your behavior.
• Stay consistent
• Intend to heal, not silence
• Do no harm 
• Recognizing “I’m sorry” is just a part of it.
• “If only our passion to understand others were as great as our passion to be understood.  Were this so, all our apologies would be truly meaningful and healing.” – Harriet Lerner

Responding to Criticism

1. Recognize your defensiveness.
2. Breathe
3. Listen only to understand.
4. Ask questions about whatever you don’t understand. 
5. Find something you can agree with.
6. Apologize for your part. Period.
7. Let the offended party know they have been heard and that you will continue to think about the conversation.
8. Thank the critical person for sharing their feelings.
9. Take the initiative to bring the conversation up again.
10. Draw the line at insults 
11. Don’t listen when you can listen well. 
12. Define your differences.

Why don’t people apologize?

• Family history
• Personal view 
• Men don’t apologize, Women over-apologize
• Perfectionism 
• Self-esteem
• Shame and guilt
• “When our identity and sense of worth are at risk of being diminished or annihilated, we will not be able to offer a true apology and face all that the challenge of earning back trust entails.”
• “Remember: despite how open, peaceful and loving you attempt to be, people can only meet you, as deeply as they’ve met themselves. “ – Matt Kahn

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