Tag Archives: support

COL684: LoR: Attachment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?

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Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]

How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”?  This is WAY more common than you think it is.  Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form. 

John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings. 

  • We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
  • Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
  • Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.

  • “Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers 
  • Secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, avoidant-insecure attachment 

Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.  

Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment 

  • Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship 
  • Blames sense for rejection 
  • Reassurance of their own worth and love.

Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment 

  • Independent, social, high self-esteem 
  • Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
  • Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy 
  • Feel they do not need emotional intimacy 

Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment 

  • Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt 
  • Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
  • Self-fulfilling prophecy

Traits of a Secure Relationship 

  • Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship 
  • Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship 
  • Able to bond and trust others

For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)

  • Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment 
  • Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
  • Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
  • Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al.,  lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.

Bear community 

  • Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
  • Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
  • Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment 

BUT…..this is a two-step process.

Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.

  • Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
  • If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.  

Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves

  • Self-awareness and accountability
    • If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do..  What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself?  What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken.  This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.  
  • Communicate
    • Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly. 
    • Two-way street.  Listening is part of the process too.
  • Practice intimacy 
    • David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.”  This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
    • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
    • It’s okay to be mysterious.  Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.  
    • Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.  
  • Practice independence
    • Accept that you will struggle with this.  
    • Ask questions.  
    • Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support.  “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
    • Google is your friend.
    • CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
  • Find secure people
    • Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
    • Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.

References/Resources

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COL671: LTAK: Drummer Magazine Returns

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another installment of Let’s Talk About Kink. The guys are again joined by Tony aka Cubziz and reminisce about the adult magazines of yore. As Drummer Magazine makes a resurgence in both print and digital forms, the cubs discuss the shift from physical materials to digital ones to fap to and whether there is an audience for it. From Honcho to American Grizzly and from BEAR to Mandate, listen in as the guys peruse their porno roots to wonder about the future.

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Let’s Talk About Kink: Drummer Magazine Returns

Once upon a time, bears, cubs, admirers and more around the world enjoyed turning the pages of hard copy print magazines until the pages stuck together. Then the internet appeared on the scene, shifting focus for where we got our smut. 2007 sees the landscape change with turning a mobile phone into this thing called a smartphone. Soon after paper pages are replaced by swiping and sexting. Over a decade after the iPhone’s debut, the once very much enjoyed Drummer Men adult magazine is coming back on the scene. Is there an audience for a ‘zine’ – be it online with a print option?

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COL649: LoR: Red Flags, Green Flags

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

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Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

  • Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
  • They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

  • Controlling behaviors 
  • Violence 
  • Emotional and verbal abuse 
  • Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
  • Walking on eggshells 
  • Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
  • Using things against you that were told in confidence
  • Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

  • All or nothing communication 
  • Pushes boundaries 
  • Codependency or enmeshment 
  • Difficulty with finding things in common 
  • Lack of similarities with goals and values 
  • These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

  • Healthy communication 
  • Respecting boundaries 
  • Interdependence 
  • Supportive of goals and values 
  • Knowing love languages
  • Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

  • Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
  • Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
  • Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
  • Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
  • Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
  • Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
  • Dismiss opinions 
  • Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

  • Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
  • They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
  • They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
  • They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
  • They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
  • They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

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COL640: LoR: Chosen Family

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, Damon is on assignment in Detroit, Michigan and will fill us in on his experience in a future episode while Jeff and Gary chat with Edward about what is a chosen family. From our origins to the aunties, cousins, sisters, and brothers we choose, the LGBTQ community has developed its own families. But are they still needed today?

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Landscape of Relationships: Chosen Family

Rina Sawayama and Elton John (2021)

Where do I belong?

Tell me your story and I’ll tell you mine

I’m all ears, take your time, we got all night

Show me the rivers crossed, the mountains scaled

Show me who made you walk all the way here

Settle down, put your bags down

(Ooh) You’re alright now

We don’t need to be related to relate

We don’t need to share genes or a surname

You are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

So what if we don’t look the same?

We been going through the same thing

Yeah, you are, you are

My chosen, chosen family

What is a Chosen Family?

  • “chosen families are nonbiological kinship bonds, whether legally recognized or not, deliberately chosen for the purpose of mutual support and love.
  • Families We Choose: Lesbians, Gays, Kinship, cultural anthropologist Kath Weston defines chosen family as consisting of “friends, partners and ex-partners, biological and non-biological children, and others who provide kinship support.”
  • The term originated within the LGBTQ community and was used to describe early queer gatherings like the Harlem Drag Balls of the late nineteenth century.
  • Movies like Paris is Burning, shows like Pose as well as RENT highlighted the concept of chosen families 
  • Often times a protective factor against forms of discrimination and violence at home and helps create positive and, hopefully, secure, attachments with others.

Chosen Families and COVID

 People Need Paid Leave Policies That Cover Chosen Family 

  • Last year, New York City began allowing workers to use paid time off to care for anyone they personally define as family, whether they’re “related by blood or affinity.” In doing so, NYC joined other major metropolises like Chicago, San Francisco, and St. Paul, MN, as well as states like Arizona and Rhode Island, in honoring non-biological kinship.

Chosen Family by Them 

  • A list of articles/blogs that include content on the topic of Chosen Families 
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COL624: LoR: Unfriending

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the topic of unfriending. Whether it be friends, family or “framily”, there are situations which may require a need to remove people from your lives. Listen in as the cubs share some advice on when, how and who should be unfriended.

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Landscape of Relationships: Unfriending

  • Top 8
  • Close Friends
  • Feed
  • Limited Feed
  • Unfollow 
  • Block

ParentsMyCounselor article – Healthy Relationships with Adult Children 

  • This comes from a Christian counseling website  
  • Look at this like a checklist to see if you have them 
  • Setting expectations of how you are to be treated is HUGE.  
  • Check out the boundaries podcast 
  • Think of boundaries like the rules of D&D

FriendsPsychology Today: 13 Essential Traits of Good Friends 

This is a great article on using yourself as a reference point to assess your friendships with others. (If we want honesty from others we have to make sure we are honest.)

  • Advice my Mom gave me growing up that I didn’t always take, “stick with the winners.”  I have adapted it to, “Stay close to the ones who know where they are headed.” I don’t like the winners/losers dichotomy, but it has the same idea. 
  • Like D&D, be mindful about who you party with. 

Friends and Family – Personal Excellence article – Unsupportive People 

  • Don’t go to the hardware store for bread. 
  • Find out where the hardware store is.
  • If I’m out of life, unless I have someone on my party who has regeneration….I need to get it from someone else.
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