Welcome to another Flashback episode this week! We’re off this week. However, I present to you a COL Flashback to episode 321 on July 12th, 2015 – five years ago. In this episode you will hear us interview the truly amazing, one and only special guest Ms. Tammy! Let’s take a listen to our discussion with her about women and their involvement in the Bear community in this special Flashback show to COL Episode 321!
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by the lovely Ms Tammy to chat about “Goldilocks”, women who are friendly with the bear community. As we discuss the idea of allowing biological women into bear clubs and bars (& even Growlr), we learn more about why Ms Tammy got involved in the community.
Introduction Topics
What’s Going On?
Jeff – Contract ended
Damon – First Holiday at the House…sort of
Gary – Gay camping recovery mode
Urbandictionary With Gary
sausage fears – a term to describe the actions of straight men who are afraid of showing any physical or emotional bond to the men they are friends with. This is akin to saying “no homo,” and is a result of toxic masculinity and homophobia
“Why is Derek afraid of hugging Jonathan?” “He’s got mad sausage fears, bro.”
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Communication
DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital in all relationships….not just open relationships. Duh.
Cognitive Triangle
Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)
Communication Traps
Assumptions/Expectations
“Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by the lovely Ms Tammy to chat about “Goldilocks”, women who are friendly with the bear community. As we discuss the idea of allowing biological women into bear clubs and bars (& even Growlr), we learn more about why Ms Tammy got involved in the community.
sausage fears – a term to describe the actions of straight men who are afraid of showing any physical or emotional bond to the men they are friends with. This is akin to saying “no homo,” and is a result of toxic masculinity and homophobia
“Why is Derek afraid of hugging Jonathan?” “He’s got mad sausage fears, bro.”
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another hostful news update! In today’s episode, the ass takes center stage as the cubs present some in-depth articles related to buttsex. From tips to making it as pain free as possible to the joys of celebrating the BJ, we hope this news is a good to you as it is for us. And…sphincter!