In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by BuilTABear, another trans listener who, after hearing COL514, shared his feedback and brought some perspective that may not have been touched on at that time 4 years ago. The cubs revisit the topic of trans identity and the bear community while also getting to learn more about BuilTABear’s upcoming projects regarding the older trans community.
Show Topic
Trans Bear Listener 2
In the summer of 2019, we did an interview with listener Trans Bear, or T-bear, to discuss previous episodes where we here and there touched on transness in the broader bear community. In 15 years of the podcast, our understanding of being trans has evolved. True to our nature, we’re excited to come back to this topic with another listener that reached out to us with feedback on episode COL514 from almost 4 years ago amongst others. Thank you BuilTABear for joining us!
What was discovering you’re Trans like?
What has your experience been so far with self-image, coming out to family, friends, co-workers?
How has the Bear community responded to you in general/specifically?
The NEW podcast series OG Transmen: Life After Transition
New Facebook business page: BUILTABEAR PRODUCTIONS
Designed to be an information / networking hub for trans guys
There will be links to relevant articles, any trans producer podcasts, resource page links, trans guy product reviews, trans guy / LGBTQ merchandise, and whatever else comes up…
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for another Let’s Talk About Sex. For this episode, the cubs “cum” together to discuss ejaculation and orgasms. The first thing to learn is that they are not the same thing. Listen in as Ed breaks it down from the scientific to the emotional and all that’s in between.
Show Topic
Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasm vs Ejaculation
This topic is going to be super straight forward, y’all….
Orgasm refers to the subjective experience of pleasure associated with ejaculation.
Ejaculation is the process of pushing the seminal fluids out of the verumontanum (“balloon”) inside the prostate through the urethra and out of the penis.
Usually these are experienced at the same time, however they are two different physiological processes.
Basically, ejaculation happens between your legs, and orgasm happens between your ears.
Human Sexual Response Cycle (Kaplan, 1974; Masters & Johnson, 1966)
Desire
Excitement (Arousal)
Plateau
Orgasm/Ejaculation
Satisfaction
The Journey to Ejaculation
Erection (brain, nervous system, vascular system leads to penile rigidity….this process is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system…think “Point”)
Emission
Collection and transport of fluids that make up semen in preparation for ejaculation. Sperm travels from your testicles through the vas deferens, which meet at the prostate gland with the exiting your bladder to form your urethra tube. The urethra tube runs through the prostate gland and out through the penis. When we get an erection, the exit of the bladder closes (which it is why it is hard to pee in the morning when you have a hard on), your testicles are drawn up against your body, and semen collects in the verumontanum or the “balloon”, which is a balloonlike chamber inside the prostate gland. When someone gets so stimulated to the point of ejaculation, the verumontanum fills with semen to three times its size. The pressure triggers the ejaculatory inevitability sensation and then the reflex of ejaculation. Once we reach this point, there is no turning back, someone could walk in your room with gun’s ablazing, you are still going to shoot your load.
Ejaculation
Ejaculation does completely happen between your legs, your brain is involved too. When a critical level of nerve input from the verumontanum reaches the spinal cord, that triggers the ejaculatory response. The pelvic floor muscles play a role here too in contracting which helps in the pushing out of the semen. (This process is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system….think: s for shoot) Pro-tip: if you want to delay ejaculation, learn some relaxation pelvic floor exercises to use during sex.
What’s going on between our ears when we orgasm?
During sex, the logical part of our brain (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) shuts down. This is the part of the brain that is responsible for reason, decision making, and value judgements. Also, likely why we might not always make the best choices when we are having sex. We are less likely to experience a decrease of fear and anxiety during this time.
Oxytocin and vasopresin, the “cuddle hormones” are building up, and are released out of the hypothalamus at the point of orgasm with a rush of dopamine, the “the feel good hormone”.
As we are revving up closer to orgasm, the mix of endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, help to make us less sensitive to pain during sex (note to all you kink-folks out there). So, the same areas in our brain that process pleasure ALSO PROCESS PAIN THERE!
After we orgasm, the body releases serotonin, the happy hormones, which can also stimulate a sense to take a nap.
Questions:
What are some common problems men face during sex?
What are some other questions you guys want to ask me?
Final take-aways: Erection is not needed for orgasm; ejaculation is not required for orgasm; ejaculation and orgasm are not required for a positive sexual experience.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys present their next installment of the “What is…” series. For this installation, the cubs talk about being confident. The guys spend some time airing out their definitions of confidence and discussing what it means to them. Is confidence sexy? Where is the line between confidence and arrogance?
Show Topic
What is. . . Confidence?
Is confidence something we work on projecting? How do we see confidence in others? How sexy is confidence?
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys share the lowdown on shutdowns. Whether it’s online on your favorite website or in person at your neighborhood bar, everyone has dealt with being dismissed in some capacity. Here, the cubs share their feelings on this recurring issue and discuss how it has changed with the times.
Just wanted to send happy New Year’s wishes to the hosts at COL. I know you don’t know us listeners, but through the magic of podcasting you are like friends, keeping us company through chores and commutes. Thank you for being awesome people and for putting your time and effort into a wonderful show that makes our weeks brighter. May 2018 be everything you need it to be. Lots of love.
Huge thanks to TUBBS for the fan art sketches he’s been doing sending us.
Show Topic
Getting Shutdown by Men – In Real Life vs Online
Discussion of how our cruise culture has changed since the millennium.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by BuilTABear, another trans listener who, after hearing COL514, shared his feedback and brought some perspective that may not have been touched on at that time 4 years ago. The cubs revisit the topic of trans identity and the bear community while also getting to learn more about BuilTABear’s upcoming projects regarding the older trans community.
