In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series.  Today’s topic is New Relationship Energy.  That euphoric feeling one gets from their glorious new relationship! However, there can be some challenges.  From Limerence of monogamy to the NRE of Polyamory, the cubs break down the pros and cons of this addiction to love.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: New Relationship Energy

How many songs can you think of that frame romantic love to addiction?

• Rolling Stone article 

Limerence

• Dorothy Tennov, psychologist, coined the term limerence in her 1979 book Love and Limerence to describe the phenomenon of the thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of beginning a relationship.  We also call it having a crush.  These feelings are categorized as being intrusive and everything seems to be about this person.  We can’t listen to the radio because every song seems to be about them.  Everything we see seems to remind us about them.  They become the central force of gravity in your life.  A black hole of attraction.  We have all had it at some time or another….and sometimes it is even reciprocated. 

New Relationship Energy (NRE)

• Similar to limererance but for individuals in polyamorous relationships to describe and help manage the thoughts and feelings that arise during new relationship among already existing ones.  This is helpful to frame especially when feelings of jealousy from other partners are present.  
• NRE is a hot topic in poly circles because it often comes up.

You know that song “Your Love is a Drug” by Kesha?  

• She wasn’t lying.
• The same chemical reactions that occur neurologically during the limerence phase of a new relationship also occur during crack cocaine addiction.  The relationship gives us the all of that feel good dopamine and norepinephrine, but also comes with obsessive thoughts when you are not with that other person…similar to withdrawal.  That is because we are experiencing low serotonin production at these times, which satiates us and lets us know “mmmm…..I’m full.”  Like Alexander Hamilton, we can never be satisfied in those early months.  

Cons of NRE 

• Hyperfocus on new relationship, neglect other relationships and responsibilities 
• Increases likelihood of negatively evaluating other partner’s behaviors.
• Sometimes questionable behavior that is uncharacteristic (e.g. moving, big purchases)
• Overlooking red flags 

Pros of NRE

• Good feelings
• High energy
• Increased likelihood to try new things
• Community wisdom (you are not alone…there are MANY others who have been there too)

What to do?

• Head in the Clouds, Feet on the Floor
  • Its okay to be feel the good feelings….but be practical.
• Don’t make big purchases: ( e.g. sign anything anything over $500 without consulting outside party)
• Check In’s with friends and date nights with partners 
• USE THAT ENERGY IN OTHER RELATIONSHIPS!!!
• This, too, shall pass.
  • Research suggests 6 months to 2 years.

Old Relationship Energy (aka Established Relationship Energy, Existing Relationship Energy)

• Old Relationship Energy: (noun) The dynamic of a long-standing established romantic or sexual relationship. Related to the Greek concept of pragma or mature love. Also known as companionate love. Also known as ORE. Its opposite is New Relationship Energy (or NRE).
• Companionate love (secure) vs limerence (insecure)
• Playing an instrument you are comfortable with….

Resources

• NRE: Head In the Clouds 
• NRE: What is it and how to deal with it
• Old Relationship Energy
• What is Limerence?
• Seven Ways to Make NRE Last Long-Term
• Established Relationship Energy

Mina Beveney Dissertation Kinky POC Research Study

Are you a kinky person of color?  You may be eligible to participate in an anonymous online survey about your experiences!  This research will amplify and center the voices of kinky people of color, and results may benefit the larger community. Mina Beveney, a doctoral candidate and Black psychotherapist, is seeking participants for a 20 to 30-minute survey that will ask about experiences of racial or ethnic discrimination, sexual self-concept, and coping.

If you are a person of color age 18 or over that has participated in in-person BDSM spaces or contexts in the United States within the past 24 months, please follow this link (https://rebrand.ly/RaceKinkSurvey) to find out more and participate. Participants may choose to enter into a drawing to win a one of four $25 gift cards.

Thank you for your interest in this research!

Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Subscribe: Apple Podcasts | RSS