In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another installment of Let’s Talk About Kink. The guys are again joined by Tony aka Cubziz as he quizzes them on the hanky code. From red to green and all the colors (and fabrics) in between, listen in as the cubs test their knowledge on the rainbow that is the code that guided cruising in the early days.
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Let’s Talk About Kink: Hanky Code Quiz Time
Once upon a time, kink folk used a rather colorful signal system to let others know what they were seeking and enjoyed. As time passed and culture changed, the hanky code has diminished in popularity. And since we’re cubs of a certain age, why not test our memories and see if we can recall what the various colors/patterns are when our quiz game host Cubziz put us to the test.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?
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Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]
How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”? This is WAY more common than you think it is. Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form.
John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings.
We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.
Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.
“Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers
Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.
Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment
Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship
Blames sense for rejection
Reassurance of their own worth and love.
Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment
Independent, social, high self-esteem
Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy
Feel they do not need emotional intimacy
Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment
Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt
Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
Self-fulfilling prophecy
Traits of a Secure Relationship
Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship
Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship
Able to bond and trust others
For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)
Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment
Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al., lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.
Bear community
Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment
BUT…..this is a two-step process.
Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.
Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.
Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves
Self-awareness and accountability
If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do.. What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself? What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken. This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.
Communicate
Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly.
Two-way street. Listening is part of the process too.
Practice intimacy
David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.” This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
It’s okay to be mysterious. Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.
Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.
Practice independence
Accept that you will struggle with this.
Ask questions.
Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support. “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
Google is your friend.
CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
Find secure people
Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another installment of Let’s Talk About Kink. The guys are again joined by Tony aka Cubziz to discuss their experiences with visiting the Leather Archives and Museum located in Chicago, IL. From rotating exhibits to archiving the leather kink dynamic, listen in as the cubs give their thoughts on the relevance of this piece of queer history. With connections to many aspects of the LGBTQ+ community, find out more about what the LA&M has to offer to everyone; from established kinksters to the fresh-eyed “baby gays”.
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Let’s Talk About Kink: The Leather Archives and Museum
We’re joined once again by kinky boy Tony aka Cubziz for a chat about their experiences with visiting and supporting the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, IL.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this episode, the guys show how they feel the love within the five love languages. From learning what the languages are to sharing their results, listen in as the guys gift us some touching acts of quality words to help understand how these languages affirm the love and affection one can feel for their loved ones. In addition, learn more about more recent developments in the love languages from neurodivergent to kink play dynamics.
Show Topic
Landscape of Relationships: Love Languages
Love Languages (Gary Chapman):
Words of Affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gifts
Physical Touch
The 5 Love Languages (according to Britney, Bitch!):
Physical Touch: My loneliness is killing me
Words of Affirmation: I must confess I still believe
Quality Time: When I’m not with you I lose my mind
Give Giving: Give me a sign
Acts of Service: Hit me baby one more time
The 5 Neurodivergent Love Languages:
Infodumping
Parallel Play
Support Swapping
Please Crush My Soul Back into My Body
“I found this cool rock/button/leaf/etc and thought you would like it”
Fear not: John Gottman and the Gottman approach, which I reference often, is a good overlap with the 5 languages of love….and allows some flexibility with the concepts.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys talk about some of the recent trends on social media. Whether they are reclaiming their time, doing it in front of salads or checking out the latest social anonymous commenting app, the cubs hit the talking points about these new alarming trends.
Freudian Spell Check: When spell check changes your word to the wrong word, but the wrong word is actually more appropriate.
I meant to text my friend that she should go to the U2 concert with me because it would be a “great” time. Spell check changed it to “grey” time. That Freudian Spell Check is pretty smart.
Weekly Topic
Trend Alert!
WTH have we been up to? And WTH has been happening in the world?