Tag Archives: protection

COL586: What is. . . Authenticity?

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs present another chapter of our “What Is…” series. The guys are joined by COL Resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to unravel authenticity. As many folks had time on their hands in 2020 to be introspective, the idea of being authentic to themselves and what that means rang true. But, what does this mean and what steps can one take to find authenticity?

Show Topic

Our ‘What is…’ series – focusing on Authenticity. We survived 2020 which tried us in so many ways. Some took the opportunity to look inward and reflect on self-improvement. 

Background – Jenna Marbles and the End of Authenticity 

  • Authenticity is a process, that involves progress and context
  • “The Good Place” – We can’t just forget our progress
  • Phones don’t allow us to do that….every video can be interpreted as a present moment in time
  • YouTube creators deleting content reduces authenticity similar to ripping up pages in a diary so you are only seeing “the good stuff”
  • Similar to “Burn” in Hamilton 

Brené Brown is a social worker and researcher with the University of Houston’s Graduate School of Social Work.  She has spent the past two decades studying courage, shame, empathy, and vulnerability.  

Basically, in order for us to practice authenticity, we need courage, compassion, and connection.

  • Fear keeps us distant from courage where vulnerability gets us closer 
  • Sympathy keeps us distant from compassion where empathy gets us closer 
  • Shame keeps us distant from connection where vulnerability, empathy, power, and freedom get us closer.

“The Compass” analogy 

  • Values = North, West, South, East
  • Action = Points on the map 

Ten Questions to explore authenticity 

  1. What is my greatest strength?  What is my greatest weakness?
  2. What is my proudest achievement? What is my biggest failure?
  3. What am I worried about? (Think about a room where all your worries live…what is in there?)
  4. What do I believe in? What are my values?
  5. What am I interested in that I haven’t tried?
  6. How are my relationships?
  7. What do I like and dislike about my job?
  8. What does my inner critic tell me?
  9. Is your inner monologue more critical than not?
  10. I know when I am stressed when I  ____.

Think of a recent experience with a partner, friend, family member, or co-worker where you wanted to be authentic but weren’t. Imagine pausing at the height of this interaction and asking yourself the following questions:

  1. What am I afraid would happen if I shared my experience right now with this person?
  2. How will I feel if I don’t share what I’m thinking and feeling?
  3. If I weren’t afraid, what would I most want to say to this person right now?
  4. How can I share this with even more vulnerability?

Resources

Play

COL555: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 4

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy

Jealousy Quotes 

“Beware….of jealousy!  It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou 

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead 

Cognitive Triangle 

Emotions

  • Emotions are needed for survival 

Universally accepted expressions of feelings 

Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?

Complex Emotions 

examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy

  • Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components:  Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
  • Complex emotions  vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.

Jealousy

  • What is it?  Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear.  Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
  • DISCLAIMER:  This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships.  We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.  
  • Is it normal?  Absolutely.  Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy.  It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds.  While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.  
  • People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
  • Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.  
  • Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.  
  • Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers.  (Second Life study)

 

What Do We Do?

 

  • Work on yourself first….

 

      • What is your relationship with jealousy?  Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life?  How intense?  
      • What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?  
      • What evidence do we have?  What am I thinking about?  
      • Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious?  At whom or what?  
      • How am I experiencing this physically?  If I feel tense, can I relax? 
      • Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
      • Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
      • Communicate with your partner your feelings.  Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing.  Discuss boundaries.

 

  • If your partner is the one who is jealous….

 

    • Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
    • Don’t respond 
    • Reflect back what you are hearing
    • Practice empathy
    • Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.  

Addressing your Jealousy 

  • Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end 
    • Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment 
    • Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR) 
    • Positive affirmations
    • Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Compersion

  • Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.  
  • Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality.  Increase empathy.  Look through their eyes.
  • Constriction to expansion.
  • Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.  

Review:

  • Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
  • Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.  
  • Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
  • Communicate 
  • If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful. 

Resources 

Books:  

Play

COL436: Smokin’ in the Bears Den

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, we are without Gary, but are joined by Ches and Tony aka cubziz. The guys pull out their pipes and take some good long draws on the topic of smoking. From cigars and pipes to smoke and ash play, breathe in all the knowledge as these aficionados show the cubs how it’s done. So, cut off your tips and light them up.

Play

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Washing clothes is better when you can be nekkid
  • Damon: Stingerfest
  • Chester: Dog problems, lots of gaming, Mask or Raid,
  • Ches: GLLA Bootblack Judge, Leather History, and FLEAS!!
  • Tony: Just started cpap this week. Avoiding Facebook.

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Brian Clarke
  • Li Yun
  • Adiv Abramson

YouTube Subscribers:

  • Trey Gehring
  • Ches Clark
  • Jody
  • Mark McCandless

Live Listener Feedback:

  • Bruce from Dayton
Weekly Topic

‘Bears that Smoke’ cigars and pipes tabacco recreationally, and for kink/scene play.

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

Download Podcast

COL378: State of the Podcast

COL378In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs are joined again by Chester aka Shutter to discuss some feedback they’ve received from recent episodes. From marriage equality to men on the DL, listen in as the guys dig into some comments from our fans.

Play

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: DIABLO! And glasses.
  • Damon: It’s HOT and Suicide Squad
  • Gary: No Gamping but Bestie Time
  • Chester: Pokemon Go can go fuck itself. Brighton Pride. Personal life is being turned upside down.

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Justin Bowman
  • Rick Hunter

Facebook Comment:

Re: COL376: WYR: International Edition

  • Andrew Ealy: Fun show… Made my long road trip more enjoyable!… FYI… Car over Fridge, Muzzle over Glasses, Book over Song, Tape over Tree, Speeding Tickets over Gas, Clean/Colonic over Dirty Toilet, Light Cold over Dark Warm, Facts over Emotions, Push over Pull, Wonder Woman over Batman,

YouTube Subscriber:

  • walid youssef

BU:

Re: COL372: LTAS: THE DL DEAL

  • chubnerdchaser:Really loved this episode! As someone who is one of the (mostly) D/L guys, it was good to hear more from the other side of the coin. Also really glad you touched on the type of D/L guys who aren’t “out” about being into chubs or bears, even if they’re otherwise out as gay. It’s one of my pet peeves! Keep up the great work!

Re: COL374: OTR: BEAR ORIGINS

  • chubnerdchaser: Highly recommend listening to at least 374 if you’re not a regular listener. It’s really good. I laughed, I cried, I got a semi. Thanks for recording it!

Weekly Topic

State of the Podcast

New comment on your post “COL371: HNU: State of the Community2016″ From Jay

Email feedback from listener RJ:

Hello guys its RJ i thought it was easier to send an email rather than leave a very lengthy message in the comments section, first off one of my earliest experiences with a guy was the DL

Richard and I both worked at Meijer and as time went on we developed a relationship of sorts..which included messing around at work (how we were never caught is an honest to god miracle..LOL) then as time went on we would see each other outside of work once neither of us worked there he was of course married and neglected which his how and why things happened between us (btw even though he is still single we still mess around)

next up is Robert…I actually poached him from another mostly straight fuck buddy and Robert and I still mess around though once i did see him out in public and did not approach him as he was with his daughters girlfriend at the time and did not want to make things odd for him.

Oh i have also managed to play around currently with a guy from Chaturbate..hes married but has a really high sex drive for a man in his mid to late 50s…LOL

And you also asked if there were ever any guys we have hooked up with that were kind of odd or secretive about playing with them…actually Gary there are guys and mutual friends between us i have played with and that have asked for discretion..not sure if its due to me being more effeminate or what but its all about having a good time.

BTW..you had asked me about some show ideas Gary..i was thinking about dating deal breakers…or perhaps how apps are almost eliminating traditional dating..

Stalkers was another show topic i suggested

Thanks guys take care and keep up the good work

RJ

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For You:

Links:

Download Podcast