Tag Archives: negotiation

COL649: LoR: Red Flags, Green Flags

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the potential red, yellow and green flags in relationship and kink dynamics. While a potentially funny meme, these flags are no laughing matter. Listen in as the cubs unfurl some details and give some insight into looking out for the signals of a healthy (and unhealthy) relationship.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Red Flags, Green Flags

What are Relationship Flags?

  • Relationship flags are indicators of healthy, unhealthy, and dangerous behaviors or feelings within relationships.  
  • They can be red, yellow, or green.  

Red Flags 

  • Controlling behaviors 
  • Violence 
  • Emotional and verbal abuse 
  • Intentional sabotage or hurting of feelings
  • Walking on eggshells 
  • Friends and family (support) are not trusting of your partner
  • Using things against you that were told in confidence
  • Usually can improve for short periods of time but abuse is usually cyclical 

 Yellow Flags 

  • All or nothing communication 
  • Pushes boundaries 
  • Codependency or enmeshment 
  • Difficulty with finding things in common 
  • Lack of similarities with goals and values 
  • These can be improved upon in meaningful ways 

Green Flags 

  • Healthy communication 
  • Respecting boundaries 
  • Interdependence 
  • Supportive of goals and values 
  • Knowing love languages
  • Awareness that no relationship is perfect 

Let’s Get Kinky 

Red Flags in Kink 

  • Expect you to immediately obey them and call them an honorific or title before agreed upon/Call you a title one honorific immediately before agreed upon
  • Don’t ask you about your hard or soft limits
  • Tell you what “real” or “true” submissive or a dominant does 
  • Separate you from friends and family or kinky friends 
  • Tell you that they have no limits and expect you to have no limits as well
  • Expect you, as the Dominant, to take full responsibility for their health and wellbeing, both physically and emotionally
  • Dismiss opinions 
  • Dictate how your dynamic will go 

Green Flags in Kink 

  • Want to get to know you on a deeper level, and have an interest in more than just your kinks and sexual preferences
  • They won’t do anything without your expressed consent, and will respect your stated boundaries and limits, as well as sharing their own
  • They’re interested in hearing about your journey in kink, as well as what turns you on and off, along with your opinions on how you’d like your dynamic to grow
  • They respect your existing friendships and relationships, even if they may not be directly introduced to the other important people in your life
  • They emphasize the importance of safety, consent, negotiation, and safe words in kinky dynamics
  • They take responsibility for their actions, understanding that you are not the cure for their problems

If you feel you are in a dangerous relationship situation.  Please contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 800-799-7233

Resources 

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COL591: LTAS: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for another Let’s Talk About Sex. For this episode, the cubs “cum” together to discuss ejaculation and orgasms. The first thing to learn is that they are not the same thing. Listen in as Ed breaks it down from the scientific to the emotional and all that’s in between.

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

This topic is going to be super straight forward, y’all….

  • Orgasm refers to the subjective experience of pleasure associated with ejaculation. 
  • Ejaculation is the process of pushing the seminal fluids out of the verumontanum (“balloon”) inside the prostate through the urethra and out of the penis.  

Usually these are experienced at the same time, however they are two different physiological processes.  

Basically, ejaculation happens between your legs, and orgasm happens between your ears.  

Human Sexual Response Cycle (Kaplan, 1974; Masters & Johnson, 1966)

  • Desire 
  • Excitement (Arousal)
  • Plateau 
  • Orgasm/Ejaculation 
  • Satisfaction 

The Journey to Ejaculation 

  • Erection (brain, nervous system, vascular system leads to penile rigidity….this process is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system…think “Point”)
  • Emission
    • Collection and transport of fluids that make up semen in preparation for ejaculation.  Sperm travels from your testicles through the vas deferens, which meet at the prostate gland with the exiting your bladder to form your urethra tube.  The urethra tube runs through the prostate gland and out through the penis.  When we get an erection, the exit of the bladder closes (which it is why it is hard to pee in the morning when you have a hard on), your testicles are drawn up against your body, and semen collects in the verumontanum or the “balloon”, which is a balloonlike chamber inside the prostate gland. When someone gets so stimulated to the point of ejaculation, the verumontanum fills with semen to three times its size.  The pressure triggers the ejaculatory inevitability sensation and then the reflex of ejaculation.  Once we reach this point, there is no turning back, someone could walk in your room with gun’s ablazing, you are still going to shoot your load.  
  • Ejaculation 
    • Ejaculation does completely happen between your legs, your brain is involved too.  When a critical level of nerve input from the verumontanum reaches the spinal cord, that triggers the ejaculatory response.  The pelvic floor muscles play a role here too in contracting which helps in the pushing out of the semen.  (This process is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system….think: s for shoot) Pro-tip: if you want to delay ejaculation, learn some relaxation pelvic floor exercises to use during sex. 

What’s going on between our ears when we orgasm?

  • During sex, the logical part of our brain (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) shuts down.  This is the part of the brain that is responsible for reason, decision making, and value judgements.  Also, likely why we might not always make the best choices when we are having sex.  We are less likely to experience a decrease of fear and anxiety during this time.  
  • Oxytocin and vasopresin, the “cuddle hormones” are building up, and are released out of the hypothalamus at the point of orgasm with a rush of dopamine, the “the feel good hormone”.  
  • As we are revving up closer to orgasm, the mix of endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, help to make us less sensitive to pain during sex (note to all you kink-folks out there).  So, the same areas in our brain that process pleasure ALSO PROCESS PAIN THERE!  
  • After we orgasm, the body releases serotonin, the happy hormones, which can also stimulate a sense to take a nap.  

Questions: 

  • What are some common problems men face during sex?  
  • What are some other questions you guys want to ask me?

Final take-aways: Erection is not needed for orgasm; ejaculation is not required for orgasm; ejaculation and orgasm are not required for a positive sexual experience.

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COL580: LTAS: Sides

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Let’s Talk About Sex!  The guys are joined by resident Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss “sides”. You know of tops, bottoms, and versatiles; but do you know about sides? Listen in as the cubs define this role in the MSM community and what it means in the sexual spectrum.

Show Topic

Sides 

  • Definition?

Joe Kort developed the term in 2013 after not engaging in anal intercourse and feeling frustrated answering the “top or bottom” question.  “Can I be a side?”

A side is typically a man who has sex with another man (MSM) who does not engage in anal intercourse or penetration as it is not part of their erotic orientation.  Erotic orientation reflects your sexual fantasies, desires, and sexual behaviors.  

Self-labels (labels used to describe anal sex behaviors….or does it):

  • Top 
  • Bottom 
  • Versatile 
    • What if you don’t fit into any of those groups?  shame…guilt….FOMO…et al. 
  • Sides 

Articles:

Videos: Barry Birkholz

Book: Erotic Mind: Unlocking the Inner Sources of Passion and Fulfillment 

Podcast: Smart Sex, Smart Love: Episode 50 Side Guys

  • Awareness?
    • Side Guys Facebook Group  (currently 323 members)
    • Many different presentations of sides 
    • Sex is not just penetration 
    • Navigating conversations about being a “side” 
    • Inclusive language verse exclusive language 
  • Acceptance?

Backlash from gay community…

  • Interest?
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COL561: LTAS: Asking and Receiving

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex! For this episode, the guys are joined again by COL Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the concept of asking and receiving. As we explore romantic relationships, the cubs review negotiations, consent, and getting your needs met and fulfilled. Also sandwiches, pizzas, and tea and what they mean in the grand scheme of things (Don’t worry Gary, there’s no food play involved).

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Sex – Asking and Receiving

  • Why is it so hard to ask for something during sex?
  • Are you being rude if you don’t show appreciation for the other participant during sex?
  • What do you do if you wanted a blow job but they aren’t doing that thing that you really like when you are getting a blowjob?  You know that thing…

The Good Touch Games….Drenched Fur….Gabe and Edward

Consent 

  • “An agreement between two parties who are about to engage in sexual activity”-RAINN
  • Consent is just as much about no as it is about yes.  
  • Consent is about both parties getting what they want
  • Consent Tea Video 

Asking 

    • Asking leads to intimacy

Receiving 

  • Periodic Checking in (Verbal and non-verbal)
  • How to receive (Compliment Sandwich)
  • Show appreciation 
  • Room for improvement 
  • Show appreciation again
  • Repeat till orgasm (if that is what you want on your pizza)

NPR Safe Sex Communication Skills and COVID-19 Social Bubbles

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COL436: Smokin’ in the Bears Den

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, we are without Gary, but are joined by Ches and Tony aka cubziz. The guys pull out their pipes and take some good long draws on the topic of smoking. From cigars and pipes to smoke and ash play, breathe in all the knowledge as these aficionados show the cubs how it’s done. So, cut off your tips and light them up.

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Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Washing clothes is better when you can be nekkid
  • Damon: Stingerfest
  • Chester: Dog problems, lots of gaming, Mask or Raid,
  • Ches: GLLA Bootblack Judge, Leather History, and FLEAS!!
  • Tony: Just started cpap this week. Avoiding Facebook.

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Brian Clarke
  • Li Yun
  • Adiv Abramson

YouTube Subscribers:

  • Trey Gehring
  • Ches Clark
  • Jody
  • Mark McCandless

Live Listener Feedback:

  • Bruce from Dayton
Weekly Topic

‘Bears that Smoke’ cigars and pipes tabacco recreationally, and for kink/scene play.

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

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