Tag Archives: monogamy

COL692: LoR: Sexual Scripts

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!

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Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers  William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process.  These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable.  People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond.  Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

  • Dating culture 
  • Premarital sex 
  • Monogamy 
  • Dominance and submission
  • Heteronormative 
  • What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

  • Flirting/sexual negotiation
  • Consent/sexual assault 
  • Top/Bottom
  • What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

  • Turn ons
  • Fantasy
  • Kinks and fetishes
  • Pleasure
  • Sexual Desire 
  • What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

  • Rejection
  • Non-monogamy/Poly
  • Ace/Aro
  • Relationship anarchy 
  • Sides 
  • Sexual dysfunctions
  • Mental health/Trauma 
  • What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv? 

  • Yes, and….
  • Boundaries 
  • Acknowledge
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate and….
  • Communicate!  (especially your boundaries)

 

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COL569: LTAS: Bubbles/Pods

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex show. For this one, the guys discuss the concept of sex bubbles or sexpods, a safer sex practice of maintaining social/sexy time with a smaller group of people to help keep yourselves protected during the pandemic. Listen in as the guys tell more about “quaranteaming” and debate on its potential effectiveness. When thinking about it, is it really new or just necessary?

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Sex Bubbles/Pods 

  • Definition?
  • Safety?
  • Potential?
  • Interest?

How to Form a Pandemic Pod | Greater Good 

“quarantine pods” as an effective way to get our social, emotional, familial, and sexual needs met without unnecessarily endangering ourselves or others. Pods are small, self-contained networks of people who limit their non-distanced social interaction to one another—in other words, they’re the small group of people with whom you share air without using breath-control precautions such as masks.

Pods (or “bubbles” or “containers” or “quaranteams”) aren’t just ways for people to have social connections within a pandemic. They also serve an important epidemiological purpose—they help limit the size and spread of outbreaks. That’s one reason why in the Bay Area, where the authors live, public health officials recommend that pods be no larger than 12 people who live across three households, and that pods limit their non-distanced social contact to one another for at least three weeks.

Despite the centrality of sex to our lives, many of us are ashamed of having sexual needs. This is tragic, because we should be no more ashamed of needing sexual contact than we should be of needing food. So, be honest with yourself and others: If you want to form a pod to meet sexual needs, say so, rather than concealing or minimizing that purpose.

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COL540: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 2

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. For this second part, the guys delve into boundaries and rules. With Edward’s help, the cubs discuss the similarities and differences between these two terms, how they relate to each person and those involved in the relationship, and also discord on the potential minefield of expectations. How do we set our boundaries? Are expectations a good or a bad thing? What’s on your relationship checklist? The guys hash out these questions and more.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules

Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)

  • debated topic within relationship communities 
  • Is this a rule or a boundary?
    • Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
    • Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control 
  • Pros and Cons of Rules 
    • Pros:
      • Contracts 
      • Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
      • Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
      • Spoken
    • Cons:
      • Can be Controlling
      • Can be rigid and unhealthy
      • Can be Set up to be broken 
      • Unspoken
  • Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows 
  • Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

Kinds of Personal Boundaries 

  • Emotional 
    • Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
  • Physical
    • Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
  • Time
    • Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
  • Sexual
    • Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
  • Intellectual 
    • Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about 
  • Material 
    • Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc

Open-Relationship Checklist 

  • Fill this out separately for you, not your partner 
    • Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap

Review:

  • Communication 
  • Boundaries are like skin 
  • You Don’t Have to Be In an Open Relationship to Discuss Boundaries!!!!!

Books:

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COL532: The Landscape of Relationships

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by previous guest Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. Based on some of Edward’s research for his doctoral dissertation, the cubs breakdown some of the various dynamics in the vast landscape of relationships. From monogamy to polycules, listen as the cubs give some insight to the “It’s Complicated” relationship statuses and more.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships

    • Relationship Anarchy – belief that relationships should not be bound by rules aside from what the people involved mutually agree upon
    • Closed Relationships – relationships that limits sexual and romantic to strictly the parties involved in the relationship
      • Monogamy – a two-person relationship in which an individual has only one partner during their lifetime—alternately, only one partner at any one time (Serial Monogamy)
        • Infidelity – violation of a couple’s assumed or stated contract regarding emotional and/or sexual exclusivity (synonyms include: cheating, straying, adultery (when married), being unfaithful, or having an affair)
      • Polyfidelity – a relationship structure where all members are considered equal partners and agree to restrict sexual activity to only other members of the group [considered both closed and open at the same time]
    • Open Relationships – a relationship that is non-monogamous; generally indicates a relationship where there is a primary relationship between two partners, who agree to at least the possibility of other people
      • Monogamish – In a July 20, 2011 column, Dan Savage coined the term, applying it to his own relationship with his partner; describing couples who are “mostly” but not 100% monogamous; such couples have an understanding that allows for some amount of sexual activity outside the relationship
      • Poly
        • Polyamory – the practice of, or desire for, relationships with more than one partner, with the consent of all partners involved; described as “consensual, ethical, and responsible non-monogamy”
        • Polygamy – the practice of marrying multiple spouses
          • Polygyny – most common/accepted form of polygamy; marriage of a man with several women
          • Polyandry – marriage in which a woman takes two or more husbands at the same time
    • Bigamy – In cultures where monogamy is mandated, bigamy is the act of entering into a marriage with one person while still legally married to another
      • Swinging – [sometimes called wife swapping, husband swapping, or partner swapping] sexual activity in which both singles and partners in a committed relationship engage in such activities with others as a recreational or social activity

Resources 

Books:

Podcasts 

  • Loving Without Boundaries 
  • Polamory Weekly 
  • Touch of Flavor [kink centric]
  • Non-monogamy Help
  • Savage Lovecast

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COL329: HNU: Is an Open Relationship for Me?

HostfulNewsUpdateIn this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another hostful news update! In today’s episode, the cubs discuss open relationships. From the articles presented, we talk about the joys and potential pains of opening a relationship, monogamy and whether or not it’s natural. Plus, are we still hungover from our Power Hour celebration?

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Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff – Yu-Gi-Oh obsession has returned
  • Damon – Low Key week
  • Gary – My body hates me

Feedback:

Facebook Comments for COL 327:

Randall Stratton

my favorite on this list is shut up and dance with me….

for COL328:

Vince Dragulin

What an amazing power hour it was!

YouTube Comments for COL328:

comicfan1023

That was fun to watch and Gary you are so sexy.

Alex Rodriguez

That was a great stream, I had a lot of fun watching and even asked my roommate to go get beer for me but sadly when he returned it was over. Still had a blast an I look forward to the next Power Hour!

GROWLr Message: re: COL328 video show:

It looked like a lot of fun.

Email 

Hey guys,

I happened to be listening to another podcast and they mentioned “cubsoutloud”.  I was thinking where did I hear that and then it dawned on me that was the podcast I used to listen to several years ago.  I’m assuming this is the same one that had Griff and Timcub, and Jeff..  I had not thought about you guys in years and was so happy to hear that is back on.  My question is how long have you guys been back.  My partner and I listened back in the day when it was Jeff, Griff, Tim and Kudzucub.  I’m assuming this was around 2010ish and thought yall stopped the podcast.  Was it ever stopped?  Wow, this made my day.  Who are the new hosts and what happened to the old ones.  My partner and I used to be friends with Griff (Keith).  I know you don’t remember me but I was the flight attendant for USAirways and now Delta and we moved from Charlotte to Atlanta.  We hung out with Griff a few times but lost contact with him.  Is he still here??  So excited to be listening again.

Excited to hear from you,

Greg

Urbandictionary with Gary

Trap Queen

A bomb-ass female. The baddest female. She is loyal to her friends,lives for her family,and gives no fucks to bitter,petty bitches. She also enjoys listening to trap music.

CL is a trap queen imo.

Weekly Topic

Hostful News Update

Cooldown Topics

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Links:

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