Tag Archives: legacy

COL628: LoR: In-Laws

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult.  That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws.  Is that the case with same-sex relationships? 

Meeting the In-Laws

  1. Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
  2. Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
  3. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
    1. Know your values
    2. Stay true to you.
  4. Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.  
    1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian.  Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

  1. Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
  2. Relationships usually improved with time
  3. While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
  4. Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
  5. Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.  

  • You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
  • What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
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COL601: Landscape of Relationships: FWB

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this installment, the cubs share their thoughts on FWBs, otherwise known as friends with benefits. What are the building blocks of this type of relationship and how do you make it work? And, what exactly are the benefits?

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits

Is a friendship a relationship????

  • Thoughts?
  • Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
    • LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
  • Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships

The relationship escalator

A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships.  Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.

  • Making contact / Flirting
  • Initiation 
  • Claiming and defining 
  • Establishment 
  • Commitment 
  • Merging 
  • Conclusion 
  • Legacy

What does the science say about FWB relationships?

  • In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
  • Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
  • They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
  • Why?  Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school.  Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying.  Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.  

How to make a “friendship with benefits” work.

  • FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.  
  • You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB.  Those take time, trust, shared history, etc. 
  • Must be mutually beneficial and convenient 
  • If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.  
  • It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
  • “Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”

Tips for Having a FWB relationship that isn’t a mess

  • Make sure you can handle the emotional complexities 
  • Define “friend” and “benefit” and make sure the other person is on the same page
  • Don’t start an FWB with someone who wants something more
  • Transparency with each other’s sexual history
  • FWB’s and Fuck Buddies are two different things
  • FWB relationships are about respect and boundaries
  • Prioritize the friendship over the benefits

 

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COLDR: S13E03: Phenomenon

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon review the next episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race! It’s the Pork Chopped Queens’ turn to bring to the runway! After sitting idle, are these ladies ready to take their laps? Find out who are phenomenal sensations and who’s just a regular bore as the guys critique their onstage debut.

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 13

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

Overall Thoughts

  • [Damon] – Losing is the New Winning!
  • [Gary] – Losers to the Stage

Stomp the Runway:

Category/Theme – We’re Here. We’re SHEER. Get Used to It!

  • [Damon] – Tamisha Betta Look Out!/ Rose’, We Have a Problem…
  • [Gary] –  Some yes, some meh

Snaps & Eyerolls:

What was a high point and low point for you

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… All the Porkchop Queens
  • [Gary] – Snaps for…  Rose’s transformation from guy to lass
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for…Kahmora’s “Drag Walk”/ Unformulaic Formula
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for…  Kah-bore-ah Hall
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COL553: LTAK: Gear Part 2

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another Let’s Talk About Kink. The guys are again joined by Tony aka Cubziz to discuss gear. In this second part, the cubs get into the ownership and usage of gear. From intent of the usage to safety and storage, listen as the cubs start getting deeper into the larger aspects of gear.

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Kink: Gear – Part 2

We’re joined one again by kinky boy Tony aka Cubziz for a chat about the ‘gear’ we see and experience when it comes to leather/BDSM/kink. 

  • General Terminology – see episode COL549
  • Kinds/Types/Categories – see episode COL549
    • Common
    • Social Acceptability
  • Owning/Usage
    • Storage/Cleaning
    • Safety

Part 2:

  • What’s involved in owning/using
    • The hardest part is figuring out your intent.
      • For yourself, your jollies or for others’ and/or their jollies.
      • Not always for yourself. Especially in role playing, you may not have an interest in a particular “gear” set, but they may, so your purpose is to arouse them and you enjoy the benefit, in that case.
        • But this CAN change… and frequently does. Someone who learns that they look damned hot in gear and they can get more action that way… will probably begin associating that extra sex with the gear, and thus it becomes seuxalized.
    • I mention because this will adjust the approach.
      • For yourself, being aroused by the wearing of the uniform… you may be happy with just a basic piecemeal uniform.
      • For yourself, but maybe for an image or concept of power… you may put your best into that uniform to achieve EXACTLY what you want.
        • Use Leather as an example here. I can throw a harness on or I can be dressed in full cow, both would make me a leatherman, but one is a bit more involved. Neither is more important, but today I may want a full cow attire, the next day a jock and harness are fine. But you determine your level of involvement for yourself there. (Likewise, if I’m going to a formal leather dinner, just the harness may not be acceptable in that context…)
      • Lastly, some people want it because of how it looks.
        • It isn’t necessarily a fetish, but it does get attention from others.
          • For example, this is a gear fetish item, but penis “packers” can be used as a confidence builder, showing a bit of a bulge. Even if it isn’t flesh, THEY feel better with their projection and thus enjoy it. (Even if it isn’t in a sexual way, just in a “normal” capacity.)
            • Each person determines their own purpose for the gear.
          • Cups are another example of an item that crosses between toy gear and fetish gear. Worn with a football uniform, it would be part of that uniform. Worn under a pair of tight fitting jeans… that may just be the toy gear side of things. Worn with a speedo… that might confuse people. But it could excite someone with that same fetish. 😉
    • On owning and using…
      • Before buying, determine your proper storage and cleaning.
        • Some sportsgear, for example, wrestling singlets needs to be treated better than your daily jeans.  (Never throw a singlet in with anything that has a zipper in fact, or the zippers will shred the lycra and you’ll have a billion burrs.)
        • But fireman’s attire? Pfft… Chuck that into the fastest roughest cycle in the washer and it’ll be the exact same when it comes out. It is desire to survive freaking fire after all.
      • And on storage, leather needs certain levels of conditioning and needs to stay in certain humidity levels, can’t get wet, etc.
        • Whereas a white football uniform can have grass/whatever stains and it’s acceptable. Likewise to clean you throw it into the washer with a ton of bleach. Don’t do that with your leather!
      • Safety is another factor.
        • If you want to get into football attire because you want to do tackling drills, then you probably want a full set of pads.
        • If you are wearing it to the crowded bar, you probably DON’T want the full set of pads *unless it is a uniform night where you might*.
        • Don’t wear JUST a speedo to the bar in the middle of winter. But in summer, by all means.
        • Don’t wear a ghillie suit in the hottest part of summer either. You risk your life there from overheating. (fireman gear is the same problem.)
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COLDR: S12E01: I’m That Bitch

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, WE’RE BACK BITCHES!! That’s right, queens: Gary and Damon are back back back again! It’s time to hit the track as Season 12 of RuPaul’s Drag Race starts its first lap! The guys are switching things up and apparently so is RuPaul. As the first 7 queens come together in a fashionable hip hop bitch battle, listen as the guys get down as the race begins for the crown.

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 12

  • 12 Seasons – 147/153 Queens

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

  • [Damon] – Fun Choices, but I’ve seen it before
  • [Gary] – Rinse, Repeat [Fashion Show Season 7, Musical Numbers – pick any season]

Stomp the Runway:

  • [Damon] – Some Great Lewks
  • [Gary] – They Got the Memo

Lip Sync for Your Life:

  • [Damon] – Too Much Too Soon
  • [Gary] – First One Out That Gate DELIVERS

Shante they both stay and Widow Von’Du wins $5K

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Nicky Doll
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… All Stars Twist Realness & Freddy Kruger Fashion Hunty
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Heidi N Closet’s hair & makeup
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… ½ Cast Split…so far
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