Tag Archives: language

COL710: LoR: Self-care

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss self-care. From taking time for your personal needs to finding your stress levels minimize while out with friends, listen as the guys analyze the ins and outs of self-care. But is providing self-care selfish? Find out as Dr. Ed helps the guys learn more about it.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Self-care

What is self-care?

The National Institute in Mental Health says that “self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact” (NIMH, December, 2022).

Examples of self-care 

  • Exercise 
  • Eating well and hydration 
  • Regular sleep 
  • Relaxing activity 
  • Goal setting (realistic goals, I mean)
  • Gratitude 
  • Practice acceptance and mindfulness 
  • Stay connected 

What isn’t here? 

  • Important question when it comes to self-care.  Am I practicing self-care or am I avoiding something?
  • Short term discomfort for long-term gain

What does it mean to practice self-care in relationships?

Differentiation of Self

  • One of the cornerstones of Bowen family systems theory, which states that families are an emotional system.  A person’s ability to manage the relationship between individualization and togetherness determines someone’s differentiation of self.  
  • Differentiated individuals are able to manage conflict without emotional reactivity, maintain their I-state, reach compromises; whereas, undifferentiated individuals tend to fuse with others or blend their emotional state with others, or their will exhibit emotional cutoff, which is where someone will manage their own emotional process by creating emotional and physical distance with someone.  

Social Self-care 

  • No person is an island and neither are you, ok?
  • Sometimes self-care is connecting with others and working on our relationships with others. 
  • Six Hours to a Better Relationship 

Final thoughts 

  • Reach healthy differentiation of self by identifying your own needs in conjunction with your relationship needs….AND recognize, accept, and validate the individual needs of the members of your relationships.  You will do yourself and everyone else a HUGE favor.  
  • “Self-care ain’t selfish” – Adoom 
Play

COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

Play

COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

Play

COL418: Handsome vs Sexy

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by Ray to discuss a recent phenomenon; the ever increasing debate of being called “handsome” and being called “sexy”. From online dating to social apps, the guys chime in our their thoughts on what being complimented with these (and other) words means to them. Also, the cubs look at how accepting the compliment can have some positive and negative consequences.

Play

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Don’t You Know That It’s Hot, Hot, Hot
  • Damon: Reliving old stories
  • Chester: Post Tidal Wave/WDW & US w/ Evan
  • Gary: It’s betting busy
  • Ray: Taking care of Big Junk and Company

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Peeter Griffin
  • Christopher Ehlers
  • Thom Schneider
  • حسام البدريHossam El Badry
  • Corey B Brown
  • Jenn Riley
  • John Davies
  • Justin Bond
  • Arturo Rojas Bear
  • Cubby Christopher Prado

Facebook Comment:

  • From Paul Hobby, re: COL408 WYR Hardest Sex Ever: “In the spirit of the “Mary Anne or Ginger” debate, let’s go to Little House on the Prairie and ask Merlin Olsen or Victor French?”
  • From Erick Lungren re: CLAW17 co-hosts Pup Shutter’s pic: “DAM… Gary THAT short?”

Facebook Share:

  • Tom Fleetwood shared COL416: LTAK: Consent and Respect 2: Part 1 “How fun!! with Ms. Tammy. It was cool hearing you on this podcast. I suggest everyone to take a lesson.”

 

YouTube Subscribers:

  • Yuujeekow
  • Gabriel Garzón

 

Vimeo:

  • Terrence Jones started following us

BearUnderground Message:

  • Andybear21: “Hi”
  • OtterDave: “Thanks Damon and the rest of the COL crew, I finally got the chance to catch up on some of the podcasts this week and appreciated the shoutout during the feedback episode (COL412). Your podcasts are always fun even when discussing serious topics and I can’t wait to hear more. If you’re looking for some ideas I’d like to see a poll option for the would-you-rather episodes so the listeners can play along. Woof, Dave”

Twitter Messages:

Twitter Followers:

  • @gnsnyder

Tumblr Followers:

Tumblr Comment:

Weekly Topic

“Handsome” Vs “Sexy”

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

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COL406: All T, No Shade: Racism

In this episode Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by two CA pups, Pup Beacon and Pup Yoshi, to do another “All T, No Shade” episode. This time around, the topic is the sensitive subject of racism and the gay community. In this first part, we dig deep into the subject of preference versus prejudice and the issue with “No blacks, no asians” that is seen in online profiles. Get ready for a very thought provoking discussion.

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Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Getting back into Raiding .  . . and farming?
  • Damon: Best Laid Plans..
  • Chester: Birthday party for Pugsley!
  • Gary: Brain Break Roadtrip
  • Beacon: MAL a couple months ago, CLAW next month
  • Yoshi: Recently became an ONYX member, Japan vacation

Feedback:

Twitter Followers:

Tumblr Followers:

Tumblr Comment:

  • curvesandcrevices
    • Re: COL398: Bud Sex – Catching up on some missed episodes; this one was SO educational! I’ve clearly missed out on a lot in life. ? Thanks guys!
    • Re: COL404: Show Topic Not Found – I’m with Damon, back hair is sexy

Weekly Topic

All T, No Shade: Racism

To Be Continued

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