Tag Archives: judging

COL730: LoR: Tolerance vs Acceptance

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke returns and this time we discuss tolerating versus accepting behaviors in our relationships. Do we let the annoying Aunt Ida in?

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Landscape of Relationships: Tolerance vs Acceptance

What is tolerance?

  • Tolerance is the state of “putting up with something without directly opposing it.”  It brings up ideas of enduring or allowing certain behaviors.  But it doesn’t mean embracing or supporting these behaviors or actions.
  • It’s a head thing

What is acceptance?

  • Acceptance is the state of opening yourself up completely to a situation, not how your mind sees it.  Acknowledging the reality of a situation without the need to change it or resist it.  Being open to differences and embracing them through love and compassion.
  • It’s a heart thing

Tolerance 

  • It involves the suppression of difficult emotions.  Can lead to feelings of resentment and anger due to lack of acceptance or understanding.

Acceptance 

  • This process can lead to feelings of love, compassion, and empathy.  The more that we feel connected to someone the deeper our understanding is.  

ACT with Love by Russ Harris [purchase on Amazon]

DRAIN

  • Disconnect
  • Reactivity
  • Avoidance
  • Inside your mind
  • Neglecting Values

LOVE

  • Letting go
  • Opening up
  • Values 
  • Engage 

“Annoying Aunt Ida”

  • Acknowledge 
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate
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COL657: World Pet 2021

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, with Damon on assignment out of town, Gary and Jeff welcome AJ aka Pup Zeo, the first and current World Pet 2021! With the end of his reign coming to an end at World Bear Weekend in September 2022, Zeo discusses the joys of being a pet titleholder, the trials of being a new titleholder and the fun of having a title “family”. In addition, the guys welcome all to Orlando for WBW 2022 and invite all to attend as Zeo and his family steps aside to welcome aboard the 2022 title winners. And if you listen carefully, there’s a special code just for our listeners to get a deep discount.

Show Topic

World Pet 2021

We welcome back AJ / Pup Zeo to discuss the upcoming World Bear Weekend in Orlando FL this coming Sept ’22 as well as what it has been like as the first World Pet title holder.

World Bear Weekend – “Heroes & Villains”

Orlando, FL ~ September 22-25, 2022

WEEKEND PASS PRICING [per person]:

  • Basic: $129 + fees
  • Standard: $159 + fees
  • VIP: $229 + fees
  • Volunteers All-Weekend Pass: $79 + fees
  • Click HERE to Register for a Weekend Pass
  • Be sure to mention the price increase on 8/1. It’s a $20 increase on all-weekend passes.

DAY/NIGHT PASS PRICING [per person]:

  • Thursday 12pm-3am: $50
  • Friday 9am-3am: $80
  • Saturday 9am-3am: $100
  • Nightly after 7pm: $40 each pass
  • Sunday Drag Brunch: $35
  • Just for COL Listeners…WBW will Promo code COL2022 will give $25 off Standard or VIP passes. Expiration to redeem will be 11:59pm on 8/31/22

Yapp App is now live for WBW: The group code is WORLDBEAR. 

WBW Contestant Titles

  • Mr. World Bear
  • Ms. World Bear
  • World Cub
  • World Pet
  • Spirit of the Bear Award
  • Application deadline is 8/15. No exceptions.

Virtual Mock Interviews Event

  • Thursday August 4, 2022
  • 7pm-9pm ET
  • Via Zoom – link above is for the Facebook event 

Charities

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COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

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COL468: Mr. Chicago Cub

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys interview Jon Landvick, the current Mr. Chicago Cub 2018! From his humblest beginnings in the bear community to his fabulous bearded drag persona, learn more about this adorable cub and what he plans to do with the title (NAB anyone?).

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What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Bored at Work
  • Damon: Ready for vacation
  • Chester: Cub Club events, (Bathhouse, Confectionery Tour)
  • Gary: Finding Balance
  • Jon: B-Day and running a drag show

Feedback:

Twitter Followers:

Tumblr Followers:

Show Topic

Mr Chicago Cub 2018

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

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COLDR: S10E05: The Bossy Rossy Show

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, we have talk about the talk show and talk about the looks on the runway. Denim! Was this episode a diamond fantasy for you or just some shredded filler?

 

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WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 10

Mini/Maxi:

  • [Chester] – Main challenge lacked excitement
  • [Damon] – Ross Springer?
  • [Gary] – From Soldiers to Bossy Rossy to Denim & Diamonds?

Snatched:

  • [Chester] – Miz Cracker’s Self Realization
  • [Damon] – Let’s Talk About…/No Drama
  • [Gary] – Zzzzz…..

Snaps / Eyerolls:

  • [Chester] – Snaps… Mayhem/Blair speech
  • [Chester] – Eyerolls… The judges not Judging.
  • [Damon] – Snaps… Asia’s Runway Look/Ru’s crack up
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls… Monet’s Choices
  • [Gary] – Snaps… Hurricane Eureka

Last Call:

  • [Chester] – Make it or break it time! Bring on Snatch Game
  • [Damon] – Let’s Be Civil
  • [Gary] – Mid-season Lull

COLDR Merch in the COL Zazzle Store

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