Tag Archives: jealousy

COL601: Landscape of Relationships: FWB

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this installment, the cubs share their thoughts on FWBs, otherwise known as friends with benefits. What are the building blocks of this type of relationship and how do you make it work? And, what exactly are the benefits?

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits

Is a friendship a relationship????

  • Thoughts?
  • Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
    • LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
  • Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships

The relationship escalator

A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships.  Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.

  • Making contact / Flirting
  • Initiation 
  • Claiming and defining 
  • Establishment 
  • Commitment 
  • Merging 
  • Conclusion 
  • Legacy

What does the science say about FWB relationships?

  • In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
  • Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
  • They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
  • Why?  Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school.  Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying.  Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.  

How to make a “friendship with benefits” work.

  • FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.  
  • You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB.  Those take time, trust, shared history, etc. 
  • Must be mutually beneficial and convenient 
  • If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.  
  • It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
  • “Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”

Tips for Having a FWB relationship that isn’t a mess

  • Make sure you can handle the emotional complexities 
  • Define “friend” and “benefit” and make sure the other person is on the same page
  • Don’t start an FWB with someone who wants something more
  • Transparency with each other’s sexual history
  • FWB’s and Fuck Buddies are two different things
  • FWB relationships are about respect and boundaries
  • Prioritize the friendship over the benefits

 

Play

COL555: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 4

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy

Jealousy Quotes 

“Beware….of jealousy!  It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare

“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou 

“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead 

Cognitive Triangle 

Emotions

  • Emotions are needed for survival 

Universally accepted expressions of feelings 

Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?

Complex Emotions 

examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy

  • Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance).  Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components:  Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
  • Complex emotions  vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.

Jealousy

  • What is it?  Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear.  Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
  • DISCLAIMER:  This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships.  We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.  
  • Is it normal?  Absolutely.  Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy.  It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds.  While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.  
  • People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
  • Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.  
  • Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.  
  • Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers.  (Second Life study)

 

What Do We Do?

 

  • Work on yourself first….

 

      • What is your relationship with jealousy?  Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life?  How intense?  
      • What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?  
      • What evidence do we have?  What am I thinking about?  
      • Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious?  At whom or what?  
      • How am I experiencing this physically?  If I feel tense, can I relax? 
      • Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
      • Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
      • Communicate with your partner your feelings.  Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing.  Discuss boundaries.

 

  • If your partner is the one who is jealous….

 

    • Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
    • Don’t respond 
    • Reflect back what you are hearing
    • Practice empathy
    • Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.  

Addressing your Jealousy 

  • Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end 
    • Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment 
    • Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR) 
    • Positive affirmations
    • Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Compersion

  • Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.  
  • Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality.  Increase empathy.  Look through their eyes.
  • Constriction to expansion.
  • Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.  

Review:

  • Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
  • Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.  
  • Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
  • Communicate 
  • If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful. 

Resources 

Books:  

Play

COL540: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 2

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for an in depth discussion on relationships. For this second part, the guys delve into boundaries and rules. With Edward’s help, the cubs discuss the similarities and differences between these two terms, how they relate to each person and those involved in the relationship, and also discord on the potential minefield of expectations. How do we set our boundaries? Are expectations a good or a bad thing? What’s on your relationship checklist? The guys hash out these questions and more.

Show Topic

The Landscape of Relationships – Boundaries and Rules

Boundaries (“I Will/I Won’t”) v. Rules/Agreements/Expectations (“You/We Won’t”)

  • debated topic within relationship communities 
  • Is this a rule or a boundary?
    • Boundary as skin metaphor (protects us from bacteria, allows the good stuff in and sweats the bad stuff out, elastic with limitations [you can break skin], boundaries are about me
    • Rules are about us and you, jealousy, usually some form of control 
  • Pros and Cons of Rules 
    • Pros:
      • Contracts 
      • Establishing or Re-establishing solid foundation of connection and intimacy
      • Conditional…not unilateral or controlling
      • Spoken
    • Cons:
      • Can be Controlling
      • Can be rigid and unhealthy
      • Can be Set up to be broken 
      • Unspoken
  • Agreements are similar to the idea of a relationship contract or vows 
  • Expectations are resentments waiting to happen

Kinds of Personal Boundaries 

  • Emotional 
    • Example: Don’t go to the hardware store for bread
  • Physical
    • Examples: allergies, personal bubble, DON’T COME INTO MY ROOM, MOM!!!!
  • Time
    • Examples: don’t make plans within 24 hours, I have office hours on Tuesdays
  • Sexual
    • Examples: Consent, Refer to checklist
  • Intellectual 
    • Examples: Agree to disagree, awareness of who and what you are talking about 
  • Material 
    • Examples: Don’t lend out money, I need that sling back by Friday etc

Open-Relationship Checklist 

  • Fill this out separately for you, not your partner 
    • Find out your boundaries first THEN discuss your partner’s THEN discuss how they overlap or don’t overlap

Review:

  • Communication 
  • Boundaries are like skin 
  • You Don’t Have to Be In an Open Relationship to Discuss Boundaries!!!!!

Books:

Download Podcast

Play

COL332: OTR: We Have Pie! Part Two

COL332In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, we continue last week’s show where Gary and Damon are joined by guests Rockcub and Ronnie to talk about how the Bear Community changed their lives. Find out which of them is a star fucker, how long ago they learned about Bears, what’s changed in how we meet new people, and… yada yada yada.

Play

Weekly Topic

Friendships due to the bear community

Download Podcast

COL262: 30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

DorothyIn this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys discuss 30 Things You Should Stop Doing to Yourself. As we give our insights and personal advice to the list provided by LifeBuzz. Also, selfies, frozen coke, and the witty and sarcastic Dorothy Zbornak.

Play

What’s Going On?

  • [Gary] – Gay Camping

Feedback:

  • iTunes: pdxbearlover
  • Facebook:
  1. Alex Rodriguez
  2. Junet Menckelly Sandoval Valladolid
  3. Sean W
  4. Artist Steven Tilotta
  5. Billy Dolan
  6. Alex Crawley
  7. Daniel James Novak
  8. David Oleksiewicz
  9. Gary Copley
  10. Albert Luevano
  11. Mike Davis
  12. Rob Tippenhauer
  13. Ernest Spencer
  14. Dan Bridgwood
  15. Arctic Boston
  16. Seraph Wolfy
  17. Randy Palmer
  18. Dave O’Kelly
  19. Doug Mphsguyntn
  20. Dan Zapata
  21. Jennifer Hawkins
  22. AL-teronn Robinson
  23. Rob Veit
  24. Darrell Golby
  25. John Patrick Carroll
  26. Stanley Williams

Weekly Topic

I’ll Tumbl For You:

Links:

Download Podcast