Tag Archives: individual

COL710: LoR: Self-care

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss self-care. From taking time for your personal needs to finding your stress levels minimize while out with friends, listen as the guys analyze the ins and outs of self-care. But is providing self-care selfish? Find out as Dr. Ed helps the guys learn more about it.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Self-care

What is self-care?

The National Institute in Mental Health says that “self-care means taking the time to do things that help you live well and improve both your physical health and mental health. When it comes to your mental health, self-care can help you manage stress, lower your risk of illness, and increase your energy. Even small acts of self-care in your daily life can have a big impact” (NIMH, December, 2022).

Examples of self-care 

  • Exercise 
  • Eating well and hydration 
  • Regular sleep 
  • Relaxing activity 
  • Goal setting (realistic goals, I mean)
  • Gratitude 
  • Practice acceptance and mindfulness 
  • Stay connected 

What isn’t here? 

  • Important question when it comes to self-care.  Am I practicing self-care or am I avoiding something?
  • Short term discomfort for long-term gain

What does it mean to practice self-care in relationships?

Differentiation of Self

  • One of the cornerstones of Bowen family systems theory, which states that families are an emotional system.  A person’s ability to manage the relationship between individualization and togetherness determines someone’s differentiation of self.  
  • Differentiated individuals are able to manage conflict without emotional reactivity, maintain their I-state, reach compromises; whereas, undifferentiated individuals tend to fuse with others or blend their emotional state with others, or their will exhibit emotional cutoff, which is where someone will manage their own emotional process by creating emotional and physical distance with someone.  

Social Self-care 

  • No person is an island and neither are you, ok?
  • Sometimes self-care is connecting with others and working on our relationships with others. 
  • Six Hours to a Better Relationship 

Final thoughts 

  • Reach healthy differentiation of self by identifying your own needs in conjunction with your relationship needs….AND recognize, accept, and validate the individual needs of the members of your relationships.  You will do yourself and everyone else a HUGE favor.  
  • “Self-care ain’t selfish” – Adoom 
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COL688: LoR: Sexual Desire

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke joins the cubs again to discuss sexual desire. While not a usual LoR topic, it can be part of the conversation. Listen as Ed speaks on the complicated definition of sexual desire, where it comes from, and what impacts it in our day-to-day lives.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Desire

First, sexual desire is complicated. 

  • Is it an emotion? Yes
  • Is it a motivation? Yes
  • Is it a state of being? Yes
  • Is it required to have sex? Not necessarily

Sexual desire is the interest (or lack of interest) toward engaging in sexual activity.  This presents itself with thoughts, feelings, and fantasies.   Some people look at sexual desire existing on a spectrum from disgust to neutral to excited.

One way I have heard sexual desire described is akin to hunger.  And I like this analogy for a few reasons that we will discuss.  

Let’s go back to the idea of a smorgasbord….let’s imagine that there is not a Golden Corral that can hold the variety of sexual desire (Rule 34 of the Internet).  So when we talk about sexual desire, the limit does not seem to exist.  

What impacts sexual desire?

  • Biology/Evolution
    • Age can be a factor, Propagation of the species (sex as a reward); amygdala (emotional center) and hypothalamus (responsible for sexual arousal) Men’s desire is more based on visual cues when compared to women, cued interest “we don’t know why we desire something” v. uncued interest “has an origin story”; the “absolute territory” (Japanese zettai ryouiki), the band of skin between the bottom of the end of the skirt and the top of the socks.  Disclaimer: this is based on statistics and not all human behavior can be reduced to statistics.  If this isn’t your experience, it does not mean you are not valid.  
  • Medical
    • Low testosterone, heart disease, Cancer, physical pain, psychotropic medications
  • Relational
    • Relationship conflict, and sexual scripts 
  • Intergenerational
    • Abuse and religiosity and culture 
  • Psychological
    • Anxiety, Unhelpful body/sexual narratives, other sexual disorders
  • Social
    • Cultural sexual narratives and scripts 

“For most of Western Civilization low sexual desire has been a goal, not a problem.” – David Schnarch 

  • In a sex negative world, no wonder people are so confused about their sexual desires or lack thereof.  Remember the sexual smorgasbord idea?  If dominating cultural narratives created the smorgasbord, then there would only be a few options for a few people….the rest would be closed.

Resources:

 

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COL585: ATNS: LGBTQ Being Messy

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another All T, No Shade show. This time, the cubs spill the tea on some of the messes in recent weeks among the LGBTQ+ community. From partying during a pandemic to thirsting after terrorists, the guys spare no amount of shade and give their honest opinions about their feelings on this misbehavior.

Show Topic

From circuit parties, secret orgies, to Puerto Vallarta New Years fallout. What do we think of the ‘misbehavior’ by members of our very own community? How much criticism is fair? Can we do better? 

History teaches us. One example is the ‘First they came…’ poem from the Holocaust.

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COLFB321: Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Welcome to another Flashback episode this week! We’re off this week. However, I present to you a COL Flashback to episode 321 on July 12th, 2015 – five years ago. In this episode you will hear us interview the truly amazing, one and only special guest Ms. Tammy! Let’s take a listen to our discussion with her about women and their involvement in the Bear community in this special Flashback show to COL Episode 321!

321In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by the lovely Ms Tammy to chat about “Goldilocks”, women who are friendly with the bear community. As we discuss the idea of allowing biological women into bear clubs and bars (& even Growlr), we learn more about why Ms Tammy got involved in the community.

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff – Contract ended
  • Damon – First Holiday at the House…sort of
  • Gary – Gay camping recovery mode

Urbandictionary With Gary

sausage fears – a term to describe the actions of straight men who are afraid of showing any physical or emotional bond to the men they are friends with. This is akin to saying “no homo,” and is a result of toxic masculinity and homophobia

“Why is Derek afraid of hugging Jonathan?” “He’s got mad sausage fears, bro.”

Weekly Topic

Goldilocks [women in the bear community]

  • History
  • Involvement
  • Representation
  • Experience
  • Future outcomes

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For You:

I’ll Tumbl For You:

 

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COL417: LTAK: Consent & Respect 2 Part 2

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s another Let’s Talk About Kink. This time around we bring back an old topic in light of recent discussions on social media. The guys are joined by kink favorites Ms Tammy and Ches as well as Brady, Mr. North American Bear Cub 2017 and Ray, Mr. North American Bear 2016 to contemplate consent and respect. In this second part, the guys talk about how to stop things from going wrong with consent and what to do when things do go wrong. Listen in as we continue talking about this deep subject.

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Weekly Topic

Let’s Talk About Kink: Respect and Consent

Our previous episode COL314 [found here] was nearly two years ago. Some things though do not change with time…

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For Ya:

Links:

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