In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

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