Tag Archives: Friendships

COL687: LTA… Aging

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About… For this episode the topic is…ummm…aging! While they may refer to themselves as cubs, the hosts have definitely gotten older over time. And with that passage of time, things have also changed for them physically, mentally and beyond. With Gary reaching a milestone birthday later this year, what are some of the new experiences the guys have had in recent years and are there any lessons of wisdom that others could learn? What might younger members of the community have in store for their future? Listen in as these old gays–I mean cubs–wax nostalgia about getting older, but wiser.

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LTA… Aging

While we may refer to ourselves as cubs, it’s been a bit o’time since COL got started. And with that passage of time, things have also changed for us physically and beyond. As Gary leads the pack in reaching a new milestone birthday later this year, what are some of the new experiences we’ve had in recent years? Are there any lessons of wisdom that others could learn from? What might younger members of the community have in store for their future?

 

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COL673: LoR: Smörgåsbord

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. For this one, it’s time to belly up to the table as Dr. Ed scoops up a heaping helping of the smorgasbord relationship dynamic. Chow down with the cubs as they sink their teeth into this idea of understanding relationship anarchy. As the guys get to the meat of this topic, will you keep asking for seconds or will you be full up?

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Landscape of Relationships: Smörgåsbord

Landscape of Relationships is back with Dr. Angelini-Cooke to discuss the yummy idea of a Smörgåsbord. Belly up and get ready to sink your teeth into some tasty discussion.

Last month we discussed relationship anarchy, a relationship philosophy developed by Andie Nordgren, that suggests that relationships shouldn’t be bound by any rules not agreed upon by the involved parties.  

The relationship anarchy Smorgasbord finds its origins in December 2016 by Lyrica Lawrence and Heather Orr in Vancouver polyamory.  This was updated by Maxx Hill in April and September of 2018.  The fifth version was created in January 2019.  

“This board includes a number of concepts antithetical to many understandings of RA. Not all who use this are Relationship Anarchists, and those who are may need to discuss how their relational style differs from cultural norms.

The categories are loose generalizations to help conversation, and are arranged with those relating to the larger social/political systems toward the outside, and the more personal toward the center.

To form your relationships: you and another can pick any number of “items” from any number of “platters,” take a huge helping or just a scoop. The dish the two of you hold is your relationship. Remember you must agree together on what is in it! No sneaking items in without the other knowing, or there will likely be conflict or disappointment later. Also: it’s your dish, so if you decide to change what you want from the smörgåsbord later, that’s cool.”

Categories: Physical Intimacy, Kink, Emotional Intimacy, Power Exchange, Partnership, Sexual, Romanctic Collaborative, Professional/Work, Creative, Co-caregivers, Companionship Playfulness, Public Displays of Affection, Emotional Support, Communication, Financial, Legal, Power/Hierarchy, Exclusivity, Caregiving, Religious/Spirituality, Labels/terms, Systems of Oppression (within each of these categories are related items).  

“Suggested Notations:

Yes, Maybe, Maybe in the Future, and Let’s Talk, Definitely No.  Color-coding and highlighting is fun too.”



 

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COL601: Landscape of Relationships: FWB

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this installment, the cubs share their thoughts on FWBs, otherwise known as friends with benefits. What are the building blocks of this type of relationship and how do you make it work? And, what exactly are the benefits?

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Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits

Is a friendship a relationship????

  • Thoughts?
  • Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
    • LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
  • Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships

The relationship escalator

A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships.  Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.

  • Making contact / Flirting
  • Initiation 
  • Claiming and defining 
  • Establishment 
  • Commitment 
  • Merging 
  • Conclusion 
  • Legacy

What does the science say about FWB relationships?

  • In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
  • Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
  • They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
  • Why?  Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school.  Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying.  Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.  

How to make a “friendship with benefits” work.

  • FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.  
  • You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB.  Those take time, trust, shared history, etc. 
  • Must be mutually beneficial and convenient 
  • If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.  
  • It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
  • “Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”

Tips for Having a FWB relationship that isn’t a mess

  • Make sure you can handle the emotional complexities 
  • Define “friend” and “benefit” and make sure the other person is on the same page
  • Don’t start an FWB with someone who wants something more
  • Transparency with each other’s sexual history
  • FWB’s and Fuck Buddies are two different things
  • FWB relationships are about respect and boundaries
  • Prioritize the friendship over the benefits

 

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COL331: OTR: We Have Pie! Part One

COL331In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Gary, Damon, and returning guest host Rockcub are joined by Ronnie for a discussion about how we created friendships from the Bear Community. Find out how they discovered the bear community, have come out, and reconnected with old high school girlfriends.

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On The Road: Friendships due to the bear community

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COL273: OTR: We Love Bears with Skills!

wallpaper_bear_pride_by_emilioso-d524xetOn this episode of Cubs Out Loud, Gary and Damon took out some time from a weekend of fun to have a discussion with friends in Cincinnati, Ohio. It’s another On The Road show as new COL guests Rob and Terry join guest host Jeff Rockcub coming together to discuss another series of freeform thoughts on bears that are artistic and how we love their skills to create and perform.

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Bear artists

Links
N2N Bodyware
Bear Underground
Clothes Get In The Way
Killer Bob
Tom Goss
Jeremiah Clark
Jeffrey Altergott
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Matt Alber
Ridge Runner
Midwest Bear Fest
Graeters
Kickstarter
Go Fund Me

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