Tag Archives: feelings

COL730: LoR: Tolerance vs Acceptance

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke returns and this time we discuss tolerating versus accepting behaviors in our relationships. Do we let the annoying Aunt Ida in?

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Landscape of Relationships: Tolerance vs Acceptance

What is tolerance?

  • Tolerance is the state of “putting up with something without directly opposing it.”  It brings up ideas of enduring or allowing certain behaviors.  But it doesn’t mean embracing or supporting these behaviors or actions.
  • It’s a head thing

What is acceptance?

  • Acceptance is the state of opening yourself up completely to a situation, not how your mind sees it.  Acknowledging the reality of a situation without the need to change it or resist it.  Being open to differences and embracing them through love and compassion.
  • It’s a heart thing

Tolerance 

  • It involves the suppression of difficult emotions.  Can lead to feelings of resentment and anger due to lack of acceptance or understanding.

Acceptance 

  • This process can lead to feelings of love, compassion, and empathy.  The more that we feel connected to someone the deeper our understanding is.  

ACT with Love by Russ Harris [purchase on Amazon]

DRAIN

  • Disconnect
  • Reactivity
  • Avoidance
  • Inside your mind
  • Neglecting Values

LOVE

  • Letting go
  • Opening up
  • Values 
  • Engage 

“Annoying Aunt Ida”

  • Acknowledge 
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate
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COLDR: S14E02: She’s a Super Teaser, Save A Queen, & Glamazon Prime

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon deliver us another installment right on time! From poking fun at teasers to helping some former Drag Race queens in need to building outfits out of random shit, the guys bring us up to speed on the queens and what they are serving. As we pedal along and inch ever so closer to the finish line, front runners and drama take center stage. Which queens will bring us first class delivery and which ones are left on the back porch to rot?

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 14

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

  • [Damon] – Bitter Queen Brigade (Deja/Daya/Jasmine)
  • [Gary] – Frontrunners already? Didn’t that just F things up…

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Angeria Killing It!
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Michelle’s last hair – some designs soared
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Production Picking the Winners
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Design lewks – Kerri’s “safe” vs Maddy’s “bottom”
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COLDR: S14E01-03: Big Openings & A Pair of Balls

In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon are back back back again!! And this time, they’re changing it up! As 14 new queens come together once again to snatch that glorious crown, the guys are shaking up their format to bring a new show to you. Instead of recapping every episode, enjoy these occasional nuggets of pure shade and tea spilling. And, of course, they’re holding nothing back!

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 14

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

  • [Damon] – What was the Point of the First Two Episodes?
  • [Gary] – Little Shakeups and Self-Centeredness On Display

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Kornbread’s Kindness
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Prep-ah-ray-shun
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Editing Missteps/Come Prepared or Not at All
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… The Feelings Guhrl
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COL618: The Thiccness of It All

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys share the love of big boys. As the acceptance and affirmation of dad bods and thick thighs makes its way across culture, listen in as the cubs share their thoughts on the mainstream joy for the body cushion.

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The Thiccness of It All

Today’s body culture is some of the most affirming ever. Has the Bear culture come into its own now with Dad bods, bellies, and the thiccness of it all? 

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COL547: The Landscape of Relationships – Part 3

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. For this segment, the cubs go in depth on communication. From communication types and styles to learning some of the pitfalls of extreme words, listen as Edward guides the cubs on effective communication in all relationships.

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The Landscape of Relationships – Communication

DISCLOSURE: Communication is important and vital  in all relationships….not just open relationships.  Duh.

Cognitive Triangle 

  • Feelings: How we feel impacts how we think and how we act (No control)
  • Thoughts: How we think impacts how we feel and how we act (Mostly control)
  • Behaviors: How we behave impacts how we feel and how we think (Mostly control)

Communication Traps 

  • Assumptions/Expectations
    • “Have you ever wondered, well I have, about how when I say, say red, for example, there’s no way of knowing, if red means the same thing in your head as red means in my head when someone says red.” – Matilda 
    • Slippery words: communication, intimacy, trust, closeness, sex, passion, fidelity, love, committment, etc.  
    • Can mean different things to different people based on many different factors 
    • Be specific: “What do you mean when you say…?” “What is your definition of intimacy?”
    • NEWS FLASH:  We aren’t taught to do this….we just ASSUME that our partner lives within our concepts of understanding.  
  • Four Horsemen (Defensiveness, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling)
  • Extreme Language 
  • Lacking Empathy 
  • Arguing Perspective 
  • Keeping Score 

Communication Styles 

Passive/Submissive 

  • “I’m sorry…”
  • People pleaser 

Aggressive

  • Phi Phi O’Hara 
  • “Your tone is very pointed right now.”

Passive-Aggressive

  • “I’m fine!”

Manipulative 

  • Gia Gunn and Phi Phi O’Hara 

Assertive Communication

  • This is the goal
  • Communicating needs without anyone getting hurt

Violent versus Non-Violent 

  • Violent (blaming, criticism, judgement, stonewalling, contempt, defensiveness)
  • Non-violent communication (Empathy, Collaboration, Freedom) (Seen, Heard, and Understood)
    • Observations
    • Feelings
    • Needs/Values/Desires
    • Requests/Ask

Observing without Evaluation/Judgement 

  • Reading and Shade 
  • This shit is hard, yo!  (….which is an evaluation)
  • Specificity is key.  Avoid extreme and other vague descriptive words (always, never, sometimes, rarely) unless they are actual observations

Identifying and expressive feelings 

  • People confused feelings with thoughts ALL THE TIME!!!!  (“I feel as though….”, “I feel that…”)
  • Improve feelings vocabulary (feeling inventory-needs are being met versus needs not being met)
  • Distinguish between what we feel and how we think others react or behave around us (“I’M FEELING VERY ATTACKED!!!”)

Taking Responsibility for our Feelings 

  • Stimulus (feeling) and Cause (need)
    • Examples: “You make me feel sad”, “You made me do it” 
  • Blame the sender, blame the receiver, sense your feelings and needs, sense the others feelings and needs 
  • Connect your feelings with needs (refer to needs inventory)  
    • “Phi Phi, when you said that my outfit looks like goth trash, I felt sad because I have a need for validation.”
  • If you don’t communicate your feelings, you won’t be able to communicate your needs, so you most likely won’t get them met. 
  • Emotional liberation 
    • Emotional slavery 
    • The obnoxious stage; “I’m not responsible for your feelings” 
    • Emotional liberation (responsible for actions and intentions, not for other peoples feelings….can’t meet our own needs at the expense of others)

The Do’s and Don’ts of Making Requests

  • All about the framing 
  • DO use the word do (and be specific)
  • Avoid using the word don’t (I’m looking at you, Ru!) (Don’t panic!)
  • In other words, think positive language when making requests…negative language creates anxiety and a self-fulfilling prophecy.  
  • Think about the Growlr profiles that all they have are a list of what they don’t like…..my big turn off.  
  • Tell me what you want, what you really, really want.  
  • Requests….not demands.  
  • Clarify, paraphrase, and reflect 
  • Ask for honesty (how are you feeling with what I just asked?)

Empathy 

  • Empathy is not sympathy 
  • Listen for people’s feelings and needs, not thoughts 
  • Hearing vs Listening 
  • Be present (you can’t listen if you are trying to read their thoughts)
  • The library is officially closed.  No Critical Cathy’s, No Judge Judy’s, No Let Me Tell You About Yourself 

Review:

  • BE SPECIFIC, BE BE SPECIFIC.  B-E-S-P-E-C-I-F-I-C…I ran out of letters…
  • Check assumptions of others
    • Are we on the same page when we are talking about this issue?
    • Am I feeling this way because of my thoughts?
  • State observations without judgments
  • Identify feelings not thoughts 
  • Identify your needs
  • Make requests not demands 

Resources 

Books:  

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