In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Let’s Talk About Sex! For this episode, the guys are joined again by COL Sex Therapist Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the concept of asking and receiving. As we explore romantic relationships, the cubs review negotiations, consent, and getting your needs met and fulfilled. Also sandwiches, pizzas, and tea and what they mean in the grand scheme of things (Don’t worry Gary, there’s no food play involved).
Show Topic
Let’s Talk About Sex – Asking and Receiving
Why is it so hard to ask for something during sex?
Are you being rude if you don’t show appreciation for the other participant during sex?
What do you do if you wanted a blow job but they aren’t doing that thing that you really like when you are getting a blowjob? You know that thing…
The Good Touch Games….Drenched Fur….Gabe and Edward
Consent
“An agreement between two parties who are about to engage in sexual activity”-RAINN
Consent is just as much about no as it is about yes.
Consent is about both parties getting what they want
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs bring back a forgotten topic thread from their history. Grab your teacups as it’s time for another All T, No Shade show! As we approach the halfway point of the year 2020, the cubs spill the tea on the hell of a ride it has been so far. From the coronavirus causing Pride celebrations to become virtual parades to the bringing of the racial and systemic issues in the US, listen as the guys have a no holds barred, frank discussion on the half-year of unprecedented circumstances.
Show Topic
2020 isn’t even half way over just yet and it’s been a helluva ride so far. We talk about the changing face of Pride during COVID-19. From Virtual Pride to Black Lives Matter, nobody’s 2020 bingo card could have prepared us for this.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined once again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to discuss the landscape of relationships. In this fourth installment, Edward and the cubs break down the complicated emotion of jealousy and how it affects romantic and other relationships. Is jealousy truly a green-eyed monster or just simply misunderstood?
Show Topic
The Landscape of Relationships – Jealousy
Jealousy Quotes
“Beware….of jealousy! It is the green-eyed monster, which doth mock/The meat it feeds on.”-Iago, Othello, William Shakespeare
“Jealousy in romance is like salt in food. A little can enhance the savor, but too much can spoil the pleasure and, under certain circumstances, can be life-threatening.” – Maya Angelou
“Jealousy is not a barometer by which the depth of love can be read, it merely records the degree of the lover’s insecurity.” – Margaret Mead
Cognitive Triangle
Emotions
Emotions are needed for survival
Universally accepted expressions of feelings
Notice there are more “negative emotions” than “positive emotions”….why?
Complex Emotions
examples : Grief, Regret, Jealousy, Envy
Complex emotions include various emotional states (e.g. grief is the one we are most familiar with….Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance). Freud’s model of Jealousy includes four major components: Grief (pain of losing a relationship), Realization (we can’t have everything we want), Enmity (towards the “winner” of affection/attention), and Anger towards ourselves that we are not good enough.
Complex emotions vary based on the person, situation, and culture….therefore, we can not rely on universally accepted facial expression.
Jealousy
What is it? Jealousy is a complex emotion that includes feelings of anger, sadness, fear. Typically experienced when a person experienced a threat to a relationship.
DISCLAIMER: This feeling is not only reserved for romantic relationships. We can have feelings of jealousy in familial, work, and friend relationships.
Is it normal? Absolutely. Evolutionary scientists have shown that animals, such as dogs, experience jealousy. It is a necessary emotion in order to preserve social bonds. While it may be normal, it may not be helpful.
People who experience jealousy in relationships, not shockingly, report decreased relationship satisfaction.
Why am I feeling Jealous? Research suggests that low self-esteem, possessiveness over others, high neuroticism , fear of abandonment are predictors of jealousy.
Suspicious jealous-feeling stimulated by a thought or a feeling….this is typically due to an attachment trauma, self-conscious, low self esteem.
Reactive jealousy-feeling stimulated by an actual event or triggers. (Second Life study)
What Do We Do?
Work on yourself first….
What is your relationship with jealousy? Do you have a pattern of jealousy in your life? How intense?
What are you feeling (angry, sad, or afraid)?
What evidence do we have? What am I thinking about?
Why am I feeling this way? Am I envious? At whom or what?
How am I experiencing this physically? If I feel tense, can I relax?
Notice that your thoughts and emotions shift and change….this isn’t going to last forever.
Once you do this….then we can talk to our partner.
Communicate with your partner your feelings. Recognize that jealousy isn’t a bad thing. Discuss boundaries.
If your partner is the one who is jealous….
Listen to them….completely (Mantra: Just Shut Up and Listen!)
Don’t respond
Reflect back what you are hearing
Practice empathy
Recognize that the jealous says more about them than it does about you.
Addressing your Jealousy
Refer to The Jealousy Workbook Chapter 17 through the end
Buddhism, mindfulness, meditation, attachment
Eye Movement, Desensitization, and Reprocessing (EMDR)
Positive affirmations
Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) CBT therapy that disects thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.
Compersion
Combination of pleasant feelings and thoughts towards your partner when they are in a positive romantic relationship with someone else.
Turning jealousy into compersion….finding neutrality. Increase empathy. Look through their eyes.
Constriction to expansion.
Exclusion, abandonment, and deprivation to belonging, autonomy, and responsibility.
Review:
Jealousy is a normal emotion, but not always helpful.
Listen to what jealousy is telling you as the person experiencing it or the person receiving it.
Don’t avoid that you are on the ride.
Communicate
If you feel you suffer from anxious attachment, talking to someone is helpful.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by Tony (Cubziz) to get a little kinky…Actually, no. In light of recent events, the cubs get together to discuss COVID-19 and the effects it is having on bear runs and other social gatherings. As government regulations are being put in place to help lessen risk, events are being cancelled or postponed left and right. Listen in as the cubs share their thoughts on how these social distancing tactics are affecting our communities.
In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs are joined by special guest, TB, for an interview. TB is our trans bear listener whose feedback we discussed in recent episodes. We invite him on to discuss more about his coming out as trans, his life as a a gay transperson and his interactions with the bear community. Listen in as TB gives us a fun and introspective look into his life.
Show Topic
Trans Bear Interview! – We invited our feedback audience member to join the co-hosts to talk about their experiences as a Trans man.
What was discovering you’re Trans like?
What has your experience been so far with self-image, coming out to family, friends, co-workers?
Are there memorable encounters for you with the LGBTQ communities?
How has the Bear community responded to you in general/specifically?