Tag Archives: emotions

Podcasts

COL692: LoR: Sexual Scripts

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!

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Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers  William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process.  These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable.  People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond.  Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

  • Dating culture 
  • Premarital sex 
  • Monogamy 
  • Dominance and submission
  • Heteronormative 
  • What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

  • Flirting/sexual negotiation
  • Consent/sexual assault 
  • Top/Bottom
  • What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

  • Turn ons
  • Fantasy
  • Kinks and fetishes
  • Pleasure
  • Sexual Desire 
  • What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

  • Rejection
  • Non-monogamy/Poly
  • Ace/Aro
  • Relationship anarchy 
  • Sides 
  • Sexual dysfunctions
  • Mental health/Trauma 
  • What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv? 

  • Yes, and….
  • Boundaries 
  • Acknowledge
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate and….
  • Communicate!  (especially your boundaries)

 

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COLDR: S14E02: She’s a Super Teaser, Save A Queen, & Glamazon Prime

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In this episode of COL Drag Race ‘T-Time’, Gary and Damon deliver us another installment right on time! From poking fun at teasers to helping some former Drag Race queens in need to building outfits out of random shit, the guys bring us up to speed on the queens and what they are serving. As we pedal along and inch ever so closer to the finish line, front runners and drama take center stage. Which queens will bring us first class delivery and which ones are left on the back porch to rot?

WEEKLY TOPIC

RuPaul’s Drag Race Season 14

Put the Pedal to the Metal:

  • [Damon] – Bitter Queen Brigade (Deja/Daya/Jasmine)
  • [Gary] – Frontrunners already? Didn’t that just F things up…

Snaps & Eyerolls:

  • [Damon] – Snaps for… Angeria Killing It!
  • [Gary] – Snaps for… Michelle’s last hair – some designs soared
  • [Damon] – Eyerolls for… Production Picking the Winners
  • [Gary] – Eyerolls for… Design lewks – Kerri’s “safe” vs Maddy’s “bottom”
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Podcasts

COL628: LoR: In-Laws

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this episode, the guys discuss the often dreaded in-laws. As media seems to make it seem that most straight couples have to deal with their in-laws and spouse’s families, the cubs review how this translates into the relationships of the LGBTQ+ community. Are they really that different or can similar tactics, communication and boundaries help ease the potential tension?

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Landscape of Relationships: In-Laws

Lots of research and media about how in-law relationships are really difficult.  That may be the case as some research out there says 3 out of 4 couples have difficult relationships with heterosexual in-laws.  Is that the case with same-sex relationships? 

Meeting the In-Laws

  1. Every family is different with a different rulebook that has been in creation for possibly generations.
  2. Possibility for conflictual interactions, difficult pasts, and crunchy presents.
  3. BOUNDARIES!!!!!
    1. Know your values
    2. Stay true to you.
  4. Brene Brown’s BRAVING…specifically the Generosity part.  
    1. Keep those conflict skills in check.

LGBT in-laws (2019) 400 interviews from children in law who identified as gay or lesbian.  Describe relationship with same sex in law parent.

  1. Many of those interviewed struggled with acceptance by one or both of their parents-in-law.
  2. Relationships usually improved with time
  3. While parents-in-law became increasingly accepting, there was often someone else in the family who was not accepting
  4. Acceptance by the mothers-in-law, according to the daughters-in-law, came as more of their friends and social circle either had children who were lesbian or gay, or their friends and social circle became more socially aware.
  5. Feelings of ambivalence toward family members are typical.

Be the subject of your life, not the object.  

  • You become an adult child the moment you set boundaries with your family (and in-laws).
  • What do YOU want to do with your partner in relation to each other’s families?
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COL609: Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. For this one, the guys continue the discussion from COL604 about apologies and move on to forgiveness. What is forgiveness? After apologizing, should you ask for forgiveness? Are there any benefits to forgiving someone? The cubs give their answers to these questions and more.

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Landscape of Relationships: Forgiveness

Last time we talked about apologies, and we started to talk about the process of forgiveness and how that can relate to the apology process.  

According to the 5 languages of apologies, requesting forgiveness is the last language….and I disagree.  I don’t think it is fair to request, assume, or expect someone to forgive you.  The responsibility lies on the person hearing the apology whether or not they want to forgive the situation….because at the end of the day, it isn’t really about that other person….it is about them.

So what is forgiveness?

“Forgiveness” is the act or process of forgiving or being forgiven.  And “forgive” means to end the resentment or anger felt towards another person, situation, or think for an offense, flaw, or mistake.  

Cultural idea that forgiveness is one of the greatest of virtues, the highest form of love, and necessity for good mental and physical health. This view says that forgiveness helps reduce stress, blood pressure, lowering risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as depression and anxiety.  

Studies have indicated that the benefits of forgiveness include lowered cholesterol, decreased risk of heart attacks, and other mental health concerns such as anxiety and depression.  

The problem with this model is that it gives the idea that forgiveness is the only path and if you don’t forgive an unapologetic person, then you are somehow less spiritual and more inclined to physical and emotional problems.  Rushing to forgive can have its own costs as psychologist Janis Abraahms Springs believes.  

In “Why Won’t You Apologize”, Harriet Lerner mentions that many of her clients are not necessarily looking to forgive someone but rather to be rid of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and pain.  They want to let go.  We don’t have to forgive in order to let go.  While for some people, seeking to forgive others may be the goal and an important part of their spiritual journey.  That is called radical forgiveness.  Studies indicate that forgiveness is important to a successful relationship.  

To go back to the health benefits of forgiveness…it is more the act of letting go of what you can’t control that is the most healing.  

Apologies should never be forced, demanded, or commanded.  “It’s been twenty years, why can’t you forgive him?”  

Forgiveness also isn’t all-or-nothing.  We can forgive someone 95 percent to 2 percent or anywhere in between.  It is up to you.  And that is powerful.  

Also….lets not forget self-forgiveness or self-compassion.  We are oftentimes our own worst enemy.  We need forgiveness just as much as other people….if not more.  

Final thing: You do not need to forgive a person who has hurt you in order to free yourself from the pain of negative emotions.  And it is no one else’s job to tell you to forgive…or not to. 

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COL591: LTAS: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

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In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke for another Let’s Talk About Sex. For this episode, the cubs “cum” together to discuss ejaculation and orgasms. The first thing to learn is that they are not the same thing. Listen in as Ed breaks it down from the scientific to the emotional and all that’s in between.

Show Topic

Let’s Talk About Sex: Orgasm vs Ejaculation

This topic is going to be super straight forward, y’all….

  • Orgasm refers to the subjective experience of pleasure associated with ejaculation. 
  • Ejaculation is the process of pushing the seminal fluids out of the verumontanum (“balloon”) inside the prostate through the urethra and out of the penis.  

Usually these are experienced at the same time, however they are two different physiological processes.  

Basically, ejaculation happens between your legs, and orgasm happens between your ears.  

Human Sexual Response Cycle (Kaplan, 1974; Masters & Johnson, 1966)

  • Desire 
  • Excitement (Arousal)
  • Plateau 
  • Orgasm/Ejaculation 
  • Satisfaction 

The Journey to Ejaculation 

  • Erection (brain, nervous system, vascular system leads to penile rigidity….this process is controlled by the parasympathetic nervous system…think “Point”)
  • Emission
    • Collection and transport of fluids that make up semen in preparation for ejaculation.  Sperm travels from your testicles through the vas deferens, which meet at the prostate gland with the exiting your bladder to form your urethra tube.  The urethra tube runs through the prostate gland and out through the penis.  When we get an erection, the exit of the bladder closes (which it is why it is hard to pee in the morning when you have a hard on), your testicles are drawn up against your body, and semen collects in the verumontanum or the “balloon”, which is a balloonlike chamber inside the prostate gland. When someone gets so stimulated to the point of ejaculation, the verumontanum fills with semen to three times its size.  The pressure triggers the ejaculatory inevitability sensation and then the reflex of ejaculation.  Once we reach this point, there is no turning back, someone could walk in your room with gun’s ablazing, you are still going to shoot your load.  
  • Ejaculation 
    • Ejaculation does completely happen between your legs, your brain is involved too.  When a critical level of nerve input from the verumontanum reaches the spinal cord, that triggers the ejaculatory response.  The pelvic floor muscles play a role here too in contracting which helps in the pushing out of the semen.  (This process is controlled by the sympathetic nervous system….think: s for shoot) Pro-tip: if you want to delay ejaculation, learn some relaxation pelvic floor exercises to use during sex. 

What’s going on between our ears when we orgasm?

  • During sex, the logical part of our brain (the lateral orbitofrontal cortex) shuts down.  This is the part of the brain that is responsible for reason, decision making, and value judgements.  Also, likely why we might not always make the best choices when we are having sex.  We are less likely to experience a decrease of fear and anxiety during this time.  
  • Oxytocin and vasopresin, the “cuddle hormones” are building up, and are released out of the hypothalamus at the point of orgasm with a rush of dopamine, the “the feel good hormone”.  
  • As we are revving up closer to orgasm, the mix of endorphins, oxytocin, and vasopressin, help to make us less sensitive to pain during sex (note to all you kink-folks out there).  So, the same areas in our brain that process pleasure ALSO PROCESS PAIN THERE!  
  • After we orgasm, the body releases serotonin, the happy hormones, which can also stimulate a sense to take a nap.  

Questions: 

  • What are some common problems men face during sex?  
  • What are some other questions you guys want to ask me?

Final take-aways: Erection is not needed for orgasm; ejaculation is not required for orgasm; ejaculation and orgasm are not required for a positive sexual experience.

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