Tag Archives: dating

COL692: LoR: Sexual Scripts

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers  William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process.  These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable.  People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond.  Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

  • Dating culture 
  • Premarital sex 
  • Monogamy 
  • Dominance and submission
  • Heteronormative 
  • What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

  • Flirting/sexual negotiation
  • Consent/sexual assault 
  • Top/Bottom
  • What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

  • Turn ons
  • Fantasy
  • Kinks and fetishes
  • Pleasure
  • Sexual Desire 
  • What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

  • Rejection
  • Non-monogamy/Poly
  • Ace/Aro
  • Relationship anarchy 
  • Sides 
  • Sexual dysfunctions
  • Mental health/Trauma 
  • What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv? 

  • Yes, and….
  • Boundaries 
  • Acknowledge
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate and….
  • Communicate!  (especially your boundaries)

 

Play

COL683: Trans Bear Listener 2

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined by BuilTABear, another trans listener who, after hearing COL514, shared his feedback and brought some perspective that may not have been touched on at that time 4 years ago. The cubs revisit the topic of trans identity and the bear community while also getting to learn more about BuilTABear’s upcoming projects regarding the older trans community.

Show Topic

Trans Bear Listener 2

In the summer of 2019, we did an interview with listener Trans Bear, or T-bear, to discuss previous episodes where we here and there touched on transness in the broader bear community. In 15 years of the podcast, our understanding of being trans has evolved. True to our nature, we’re excited to come back to this topic with another listener that reached out to us with feedback on episode COL514 from almost 4 years ago amongst others. Thank you BuilTABear for joining us!

  • What was discovering you’re Trans like?
  • What has your experience been so far with self-image, coming out to family, friends, co-workers?
  • How has the Bear community responded to you in general/specifically?
  • The NEW podcast series OG Transmen: Life After Transition
  • New Facebook business page: BUILTABEAR PRODUCTIONS 
    • Designed to be an information / networking hub for trans guys
    • There will be links to relevant articles, any trans producer podcasts, resource page links, trans guy product reviews, trans guy / LGBTQ merchandise, and whatever else comes up…

Play

COL601: Landscape of Relationships: FWB

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the guys are joined again by Edward Angelini-Cooke to continue our Landscape of Relationships series. In this installment, the cubs share their thoughts on FWBs, otherwise known as friends with benefits. What are the building blocks of this type of relationship and how do you make it work? And, what exactly are the benefits?

Show Topic

Landscape of Relationships: Friends With Benefits

Is a friendship a relationship????

  • Thoughts?
  • Many cultures define friendships as a very important relationship
    • LGBTQ community- “chosen family”
  • Atlantic 2020 article that discussed the cultural and historical importances of friendships

The relationship escalator

A set of societal expectations for intimate relationships.  Partners follow a set of progressive set of steps, each with clear markers, with a goal in mind.

  • Making contact / Flirting
  • Initiation 
  • Claiming and defining 
  • Establishment 
  • Commitment 
  • Merging 
  • Conclusion 
  • Legacy

What does the science say about FWB relationships?

  • In 2017, 171 University of Denver students (more women than men) were surveyed on sexual satisfaction, commitment and trust of FWB relationships
  • Big takeaways? *drumroll please* communication and setting healthy boundaries
  • They found sexual satisfaction was important but so was sacrificing for the good of the partner, and not looking for the next best thing.
  • Why?  Lots of research is looking at young adults who are in school.  Romantic relationships are oftentimes an added stressor that takes away from studying.  Some students opt for FWB arrangements to reduce overall stress.  

How to make a “friendship with benefits” work.

  • FWBs are supposed to decrease pressure, not add pressure.  
  • You need to be friends in order to call it a FWB.  Those take time, trust, shared history, etc. 
  • Must be mutually beneficial and convenient 
  • If the FWB ends, you are allowed to be upset.  
  • It’s confusing to try to develop friendship founded on a sexual relationship guided by a rule system that has to be invented as you go. Or, when you’re trying to force a friendship so that you can add sex as a benefit, where does the friendship part fit in? That’s putting the benefits before the friendship.”
  • “Sexual exploration can and often does become a part of an existing friendship between consenting people. Or you may have been in a romantic and/or sexual relationship with this person earlier in your life, but now it’s morphed into a friendship. In such circumstances, the sexual connection may remain, or may be reintroduced. But the common thread is the history between you, the investment you share in the friendship, and the trust that has formed. You recognize that you both enjoy the chemistry, but that you may not be as compatible emotionally as you are sexually. It’s a mutually understood experience. The connection you have as friends determines whether this time in your life and in your relationship is right to be sharing benefits.”

Tips for Having a FWB relationship that isn’t a mess

  • Make sure you can handle the emotional complexities 
  • Define “friend” and “benefit” and make sure the other person is on the same page
  • Don’t start an FWB with someone who wants something more
  • Transparency with each other’s sexual history
  • FWB’s and Fuck Buddies are two different things
  • FWB relationships are about respect and boundaries
  • Prioritize the friendship over the benefits

 

Play

COL383: All T, No Shade: Biphobia

col383In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, we present a new series of shows. This one is called “All T, No Shade” and allows the hosts to provide a more frank opinion on some potentially polarizing subjects. For this first show, the cubs discuss biphobia. From our personal dealings with bisexuality to admitting our personal biphobic tendencies, the cubs keep it real about their feelings.

Play

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: Pain in the Butt
  • Damon: Being Sick
  • Chester: Back in the USA
  • Gary: Living with parents

Feedback:

GROWLr:

So I just finished listening to episode 374 of COL, and I’d just like to thank you Sir. It was a touching conversation and many good points were brought up in the discussion.

You are most welcome. I’ve been a longtime listener but during that episode the discussion shifted to include someone in my situation. Which unfortunately, I find is rarely addressed since for many it isn’t an issue.

I will say that y’all were spot on when discussing how many of my generation are more aware of who they are attracted to at a much younger age.

Oh, I would just like to thank you again, the podcast has helped me a lot over the years. Whether it was for entertainment (comedic or sexual), informative, or just something to detract from the loneliness.

Facebook Likes:

  • Jeff Beumer
  • Terry John-Carls

 

YouTube Subscribers:

  • Princesa Dream Maker
  • TimV82
  • Dustin Abreu

 

Bear Underground COL Entourage Group:

  • NurseCub225

Weekly Topic

  • Biphobia definition: Biphobia is aversion toward bisexuality and bisexual people as a social group or as individuals. People of any sexual orientation can experience or perpetuate such feelings of aversion. Biphobia is a source of discrimination against bisexual people, and may be based on negative bisexual stereotypes or irrational fear.
  • Bi-now, gay later.
  • Bisexuals are just plain selfish!
  • Is there Biphobia in the kink community?
  • I’m Bisexual, But I’m Not Buzzfeed Video:

  • Opinions on choosing the label of bisexual, how people act towards them, and personal experiences.

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For You:

Links:

Download Podcast

COL378: State of the Podcast

COL378In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, the cubs are joined again by Chester aka Shutter to discuss some feedback they’ve received from recent episodes. From marriage equality to men on the DL, listen in as the guys dig into some comments from our fans.

Play

Introduction Topics

What’s Going On?

  • Jeff: DIABLO! And glasses.
  • Damon: It’s HOT and Suicide Squad
  • Gary: No Gamping but Bestie Time
  • Chester: Pokemon Go can go fuck itself. Brighton Pride. Personal life is being turned upside down.

Feedback:

Facebook Likes:

  • Justin Bowman
  • Rick Hunter

Facebook Comment:

Re: COL376: WYR: International Edition

  • Andrew Ealy: Fun show… Made my long road trip more enjoyable!… FYI… Car over Fridge, Muzzle over Glasses, Book over Song, Tape over Tree, Speeding Tickets over Gas, Clean/Colonic over Dirty Toilet, Light Cold over Dark Warm, Facts over Emotions, Push over Pull, Wonder Woman over Batman,

YouTube Subscriber:

  • walid youssef

BU:

Re: COL372: LTAS: THE DL DEAL

  • chubnerdchaser:Really loved this episode! As someone who is one of the (mostly) D/L guys, it was good to hear more from the other side of the coin. Also really glad you touched on the type of D/L guys who aren’t “out” about being into chubs or bears, even if they’re otherwise out as gay. It’s one of my pet peeves! Keep up the great work!

Re: COL374: OTR: BEAR ORIGINS

  • chubnerdchaser: Highly recommend listening to at least 374 if you’re not a regular listener. It’s really good. I laughed, I cried, I got a semi. Thanks for recording it!

Weekly Topic

State of the Podcast

New comment on your post “COL371: HNU: State of the Community2016″ From Jay

Email feedback from listener RJ:

Hello guys its RJ i thought it was easier to send an email rather than leave a very lengthy message in the comments section, first off one of my earliest experiences with a guy was the DL

Richard and I both worked at Meijer and as time went on we developed a relationship of sorts..which included messing around at work (how we were never caught is an honest to god miracle..LOL) then as time went on we would see each other outside of work once neither of us worked there he was of course married and neglected which his how and why things happened between us (btw even though he is still single we still mess around)

next up is Robert…I actually poached him from another mostly straight fuck buddy and Robert and I still mess around though once i did see him out in public and did not approach him as he was with his daughters girlfriend at the time and did not want to make things odd for him.

Oh i have also managed to play around currently with a guy from Chaturbate..hes married but has a really high sex drive for a man in his mid to late 50s…LOL

And you also asked if there were ever any guys we have hooked up with that were kind of odd or secretive about playing with them…actually Gary there are guys and mutual friends between us i have played with and that have asked for discretion..not sure if its due to me being more effeminate or what but its all about having a good time.

BTW..you had asked me about some show ideas Gary..i was thinking about dating deal breakers…or perhaps how apps are almost eliminating traditional dating..

Stalkers was another show topic i suggested

Thanks guys take care and keep up the good work

RJ

Cooldown Topics

I’ll Tumbl For You:

Links:

Download Podcast