Tag Archives: communication

COL719: LTA… Adulting

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another installment in the Let’s Talk About… series. Damon’s away spreading love and affirmations at the 2024 Virginia Bear Contest Weekend. Jeff and Gary have a nice chat about what they’ve discovered in becoming grown ups including lessons learned. Speaking of, there was a bit of an oops in this show. Let’s just say this is pretty much a one-sided conversation. Listen in as Gary gives his views on adulting.

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LTA… Adulting

With the passage of time, as cubs of a certain age, we’ve had to deal with some things that came along our paths that we weren’t exactly prepared for in our youth. In recent years we’ve discussed the desire for aging cubs to relive their youth. Has adulting been too stressful? Is getting older not so enjoyable? Are there any shining moments we recall from being adults and on our own? 

Wikipedia Article: Adulting

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COL715: LTA… The Future of Events

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another installment in the Let’s Talk About… series. Damon’s out on travel this week and we’re excited to have PupZeo return for a chat about the changes in recent years to events for LGBTQIA+ communities. From volunteerism and feedback to the challenges of feeding the masses, it’s time to line up and enjoy ample servings.

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LTA… The Future of Events

Since the inception of the leather, bear, and kink communities events have been a way for people to come together and share time and space to make memories. With over fifty years of events having occurred, a lot has changed the landscape. From the digital revolution to worldwide pandemics, now we’re looking at how things have evolved. But has it all been for the betterment of the experience for attendees? Are there areas that need work? What opportunities are there for the coming years of activities?

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COL702: LoR: Sex After 50

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back to broach the topic of sex after 50. As one of the hosts is approaching this milestone, Ed addresses and discusses the potential changes to one’s sex drive as they cross that age. From sexual health to sexual desire, listen as the guys boil down what you need to be aware of as you cross over that hill.

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Landscape of Relationships: Sex After 50

Welcome to Your 50s!

Lots of people have healthy and active sexual lives at all stages of life. That being said, here are some aspects of your sexuality that MIGHT change.  

Sexual Health 

  • “The World Health Organization defines sexual health as a state of physical, emotional, mental and social well-being in relation to sexuality; it is not merely the absence of disease, dysfunction or infirmity. Sexual health requires a positive and respectful approach to sexuality and sexual relationships, as well as the possibility of having pleasurable and safe sexual experiences, free of coercion, discrimination and violence.”
  • Regular doctors visits; talk to your doctor about your sexual health; bring a list of questions/comments/concerns helps
  • Colonoscopy and prostate cancer screenings
  • Maintain activity levels 

Sexual Desire

  • We aren’t 16 anymore 
  • Medical conditions, lifestyle, mood, hormone levels, medication
  • Spontaneous vs responsive desire 
  • Possible adapt a sexual willingness mindframe

Erectile Dysfunction 

  • Age doesn’t cause ED, but natural aging and illness can impact sexual response
  • ED is a biopsychosocial phenomenon with biological, physical, psychological, behavioral, emotional, and cognitive factors AS WELL AS identity, relationally (interpersonal and socially),  and intimate factors.  
  • Erections are not required for ejaculations or orgasms
  • Talk to your provider.  Again, talk to your provider. 
  • Medication and treatment options

Communication

  • ”Adult sex is interpersonal” – McCarthy and Metz
  • Maintaining sexual intimacy is key; adapting a flexible sexual relationship 
  • Creating 

So remember, 

  • Your sexual experience MAY change as you gets older 

References

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COL692: LoR: Sexual Scripts

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke is back as the guys turn the pages on sexual scripts. Follow line by line as Ed and the cubs break down what sexual scripts are, where they come from and what happens when you go “off book.” Editing, improv and flipping the script are not just for the stage anymore!

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Landscape of Relationships: Sexual Scripts

What are sexual scripts?

In 1986, researchers  William Simon and John H. Gagnon defined sexual scripts as the cultural and societally approved norms that a person accesses, agrees upon, and activates through a sexual socialization process.  These sexual scripts are specific to the culture a person is socialized in, which tell them what behaviors, thoughts, emotions are or are not acceptable.  People carry these scripts with them into sexual situations and they tell them how to respond.  Simon and Gagnon theorized that sexual scripts have three different categories, including socio-cultural, interpersonal, and intrapsychic:

Examples of cultural sexual scripts:

  • Dating culture 
  • Premarital sex 
  • Monogamy 
  • Dominance and submission
  • Heteronormative 
  • What else?

Examples of interpersonal sexual scripts:

  • Flirting/sexual negotiation
  • Consent/sexual assault 
  • Top/Bottom
  • What else?

Examples of intrapsychic sexual scripts:

  • Turn ons
  • Fantasy
  • Kinks and fetishes
  • Pleasure
  • Sexual Desire 
  • What else?

Quote from Simon & Gagnon (1986)

In the most pragmatic sense, sexual scripts must solve two problems. The first of these is gaining permission from the self to engage in desired forms of sexual behavior. The second problem is that of access to the experiences that the desired behavior is expected to generate.

What happens when we go off script or improvising?

  • Rejection
  • Non-monogamy/Poly
  • Ace/Aro
  • Relationship anarchy 
  • Sides 
  • Sexual dysfunctions
  • Mental health/Trauma 
  • What else?

What do we do when we are off-script?

Good rules of improv? 

  • Yes, and….
  • Boundaries 
  • Acknowledge
  • Allow
  • Accommodate
  • Appreciate and….
  • Communicate!  (especially your boundaries)

 

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COL684: LoR: Attachment

In this episode of Cubs Out Loud, it’s time for another Landscape of Relationships. Jeff and Gary welcome back Dr. Edward Angelini-Cooke for another discussion and this time they get attached to the subject. From being anxious to feeling confident, there’s much to learn. Are you one of the four in ten that might have insecure attachment?

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Landscape of Relationships: Attachment [impermanence, neediness, and security]

How you ever heard someone classify someone or themselves as being “clingy”, “co-dependent”, “needy”, “dramatic” or “closed off”, “emotionally unavailable”, and “allergic to drama” or that they have “attachment issues”?  This is WAY more common than you think it is.  Approximately 40 percent of people have an insecure attachment of some form. 

John Bowlby described attachment as the everlasting psychological connection between human beings. 

  • We are born to create emotional bonds with caregivers.
  • Those who had attachments to caregivers were more likely to receive comfort and protection and survive into adulthood.
  • Primary caregivers providing a sense of security is the central theme of attachment theory.

Mary Ainsworth expanded on Bowlby’s work.

  • “Strange situation” study connected attachment to behavior with toddlers and their mothers 
  • Secure attachment, ambivalent-insecure attachment, avoidant-insecure attachment 

Main (dissertation student of Ainsworth) and Solomon added disorganized-insecure attachment based on their research.  

Traits of Anxious-insecure attachment 

  • Responsive towards partners needs but insecure about their own worth in a relationship 
  • Blames sense for rejection 
  • Reassurance of their own worth and love.

Traits of Avoidant-insecure attachment 

  • Independent, social, high self-esteem 
  • Social interactions and relationships remain on the surface
  • Avoid strong displays of closeness and intimacy 
  • Feel they do not need emotional intimacy 

Traits of Disorganized-Insecure attachment 

  • Perpetually waiting for rejection, disappointment, and hurt 
  • Truly want closeness and intimacy; but afraid of it.
  • Self-fulfilling prophecy

Traits of a Secure Relationship 

  • Able to identify and regulate emotions within a relationship 
  • Strong goal oriented behavior in a relationship 
  • Able to bond and trust others

For gay men and other queer individuals, their socio-sexual identity development from childhood to adulthood might have an impact on their attachment (prototype model of attachment)

  • Having a secure caregiver support you when you are rejected by your peers will help maintain your secure attachment 
  • Having a previously secure caregiver reject you during that process has the potential to create an anxious or avoidant style.
  • Having secure peer support after an insecure childhood has the potential to transition to a secure attachment.
  • Having an insecure attachment with caregiver growing up will likely have negative experiences with sexual identity development (e.g. shame,internalized homophobia et al.,  lack of disclosure to family) and in some populations create an expectation of being rejected.

Bear community 

  • Two stigmatized identifies (fat and queer)
  • Feeling rejected by the peer group who SHOULD accept me (potential for double insecure attachment)
  • Being welcomed into the Bear community could help transition to secure attachment 

BUT…..this is a two-step process.

Attachment is not just interpersonal but also intrapersonal, meaning within ourselves.

  • Mindfulness as a practice has been helpful in learning and practicing differentiation of self in relationship with others.
  • If we are able to accept and show compassion towards ourselves we can stand on our own and learn to create our OWN narratives rather than relying on the narratives of others.  

Here are some good ways to work towards secure attachment with others and ourselves

  • Self-awareness and accountability
    • If you are someone with an insecure attachment, it is your responsibility to take ownership for that and know what to do..  What are the beliefs you have about relationships and yourself?  What do we need to ask for from others that is reasonable and within their control? And when you get it, notice it, name it, normalize it, remind yourself the purpose of why that was important, and appreciate that action that was taken.  This will help you be mindful and aware of it in the future.  
  • Communicate
    • Communicate your thoughts, feelings, and needs with others openly and honestly. 
    • Two-way street.  Listening is part of the process too.
  • Practice intimacy 
    • David Schnarch said, “Intimacy is knowing who you are and letting someone else in on the secret.”  This requires us to go on a journey of self-discovery. We can’t expect others to write our story.
    • Get comfortable with being uncomfortable
    • It’s okay to be mysterious.  Not everyone needs to know everything about you in the first five minutes.  
    • Acknowledge and appreciate when others are practicing intimacy.  
  • Practice independence
    • Accept that you will struggle with this.  
    • Ask questions.  
    • Gage your willingness and boundaries and then seek support.  “I can do (this…this….this) but I need support on (this…this…this)”
    • Google is your friend.
    • CELEBRATE SUCCESS….to your close supports or your diary….the world sometimes won’t match your excitement.
  • Find secure people
    • Therapists are a good example of a secure attachment model (sometimes it will take a few burnt ones)
    • Who in your life has a secure attachment? Hang out with them.

References/Resources

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